Phillies Win The World Series. Greg Oden Needs A Hug. Halloween (Part II). How To Make a Kid Feel Like They Have Been Punched In The Stomach Without Actually Hitting Them.

This is not at all what I predicted (even though I was remarkably close in my predictions of final records for many teams midway through the season).

But I was rooting for the Phillies, inasmuchas when I watched the SportsCenter highlights before work, I was happy that they had won the games I didn’t bother to watch.

Nice job Phillies. Way to beat the fanless, cowbell swinging, Devil Rays.

But you know, the Rays success that happened immediately after they removed part of their team name has to give some other teams something to think about…

If I owned the Pirates, next year they would play as the “Irates”. I gaurantee this would AT LEAST get them a World Series birth.

Maybe the Detroit Lions should just take “Detroit” out of their name…

Nice job Phillies. Enjoy it while it lasts, because the Sixers are going to be a giant pile of suck this year (OK, myabe not a giant pile of suck, but disappointing) and the Eagles? I just never know what to make of them…They’re sort of like Godspeed You Black Emperor!, sometimes you think they’re awesome but sometimes you just think they’re a bunch of losers with a lot of talent too preoccupied with trying to be cool to actually do anything worthwhile.

As hard as it is to believe that Philly won any type of sports Championship, it is far more difficult to believe how fragile Greg Oden appears to be so far.

The guy misses his rookie season with micro-fracture surgery. In his debut, he sprains his ankle/foot. Out for a month. Fucking Amazing.

This is what happens when you bring in Abraham Lincoln’s grandfather to play for your team. Sure, he’s tall and has a killer beard…but the guy is made of twigs and tacky glue.

I am probably as disappointed about Greg Oden’s injury as I am about the fact that the ending of the movie version the “The Watchmen” supposedly will not contain a giant squid like demon. Nor will it contain as much animated nudity.

Thinking about how good the Blazers should probably end up being makes me consider a question:

If you could completely restart your NBA team and you got to select 2 players knowing you could afford the two alone but the deal was that one had to be not currently in the NBA, one had to be a rookie or sophomore  and the rest of your team would be role players and scrubs who would be selected at random, who would you add for your two guys?

I’d take Ricky Rubio at PG. The kid just turned 18 and even though (obviously) he hasn’t played int he NBA, he certainly seemed to have no problem holding his own against a team of NBA All Stars at the Olympics…

Plus he’s soooo cute!

I’d probably take Kevin Durant at the other guard. He sometimes misses a lot of shots and is still learning but I don’t know how I could take Greg Oden’s 214 year old body over a young and electrifying Durant.

Can you even imagine Durant and Rubio playing together? It would be like that album Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis were supposed to make together. Which never happened. Which is why i feel like Durant is destined to play on shitty teams for most of his career.

And speaking of insane Halloween is tomorrow.

As I said last week, I kind of hate Halloween. It just always seems like a bad idea. And you know what’s crazy about it? Is how many grown adults take their kids to haunted hayrides and haunted houses and things like that.

I remember when I was eight or nine my parents took me on a haunted hayride and I had nightmares for weeks. Like I literally couldn’t sleep until after Thanksgiving.

If you aren’t familiar with what a haunted hayride entails here it is:

Don’t have a house to build a haunted house in you say? But you have 20 acres of farm land you’re doing nothing with? You want to employ college and high school kids for minimum wage and KNOW that they’ll work hard because their job will be to scare the shit out of middle aged couples and little kids? Have a few flatbed trucks you can cover with wooden planks and throw hay on top of?

Well you’re in luck! You’ve got a haunted hayride!

I don’t know where these things started, but basically they are just a series of scary exhibits that you drive to and stop and watch and then drive away. Sometimes they involve serial killers from movies. Sometimes they are funny (if you’re an adult) and sometimes they are just confusing.

Example:

(the set is a barber’s shop. A guy walks in and sits down in the barber’s chair)

Barber: Hello friend.

Guy: Hey. Just take a little off the top.

Barber: Oh a little off the top huh?

Guy: Yeah a little off the top!

Barber: I’ll take a little off the top! HAHAHAHA!

(barber stabs guy through the back of the head with giant scissors)

Barber: YOU ALL LOOK LIKE YOU NEED HAIRCUTS!

(Runs towards Haycart swinging the scissors wildly, getting fake blood on everyone, the truck drives away).

(SCENE)

Now, 23 year old York is fine with this display of gruesome hilarity.

But 8 year old York never wanted to go to a barber again.

There were also scenes of people being tortured and screaming. There was a scene of kids being murdered by their parents. One of a guy having his legs broken ala “Misery”. When all was said and done, it was maybe the most traumatic night of my life to that point (thankfully I would experience much worse REAL things {not involving physical torture} as I got older).

But my point is, don’t take your nine year old kid to that shit.

Sure, I guess I’m not scared by horror movies anymore. That’s great. But I’m pretty sure I would have had a far better childhood (or at least November 1994) if none of that ever happened (among other things not related to Halloween).

Anyway:

Top 5 Greatest Unintentional Halloween Movies Of All Time (in no real order):

1.  ”As Good As It Gets”- Helen Hunt won an Oscar for this piece of shit? Now that is SCARY. Helen Hunt is probably the worst actress of all time. She can’t act. Why do you think her average ass hasn’t been in ANYTHING since “Twister” (which by the way, features the most underrated Goo Goo Dolls song of all time “Long Way Down” which my first band covered when I was in 9th grade. What a great song to cover if you are in 9th grade and only one person in your band is halfway decent at playing an instrument and that instrument is bass).
2. “Dan In Real Life” – What scares me about that movie is the fact that anyone could possibly consider anythingabout this festering pile of dog shit even quasi-realistic. It is seriously one terrible cliche after another. I have never actually walked out of a movie in the theater in my life. This might be partly due to the fact that movies are so goddamn expensive these days and the fact that I would never have anything important enough to do that could warrant leaving a movie at night. What would I do if I walked out? Go to a Wendy’s? Listen to NPR? Watch PBS? Yeah. Exactly. Anyway, this would have been the first. Because it was so cringe inducing that I felt uncomfortable watching it. Like i felt embarrassed to be in the theater and I felt embarrassed for Steve Carrell (who is a great guy by all accounts). But because my girlfriend picked it, I couldn’t just walk out and be like ’see you at home lady!’. So I tried to enjoy hating it. And even that wasn’t fun. Fucking Dane Cook. At least his daughter’s were slammin’.
3. “9 1/2 Weeks”- You know what will give you nightmares? Seeing Mickey Rourke in softcore porn. Stay far away.
4. “Daredevil” – I have never seen any other superhero movie that made me actively root againstthe superhero. “Oh man I hope Michael Clark Duncan breaks his neck int his scene!” and “I really hope Colin Farrel throws an ultimate Frisbee so hard it rips Ben Affelck’s head off!” Also, why does Colin Farrell get work? He may be a fine actor in reality, but being that I can only remember him being in “Daredevil”, “Miami Vice” and that movie about him beign stuck in a phone booth (absolutely fucking riveting!…except not…at all) he seems like a giant pile of shit to me.
5. “Howard The Duck”- Does a young and foxy Leah Thompson walking around in her underwear attempting to seduce a 3 foot tall human-like duck scare you? George Lucas’ crowning achievement. You know how some movies forever become associated with the city they take place in? Like for example, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” is as Chicago as deep dish pizza and Ozzie Guillen?  Well, “Howard The Duck” will always make me think of Cleveland. And Cleveland, will always remind me of “Howard The Duck”.

Top 5 Events That Will Make Your 5-10 year old Son or Daughter Feel Like They Have Been Punched In The Stomach:

1. Finding out Santa Claus/The Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy don’t actually exist- Yesterday I was talking to one of my colleagues about how much I don’t care for Halloween and he responded by saying “I also hate any occasion on which you lie to your children for your own amusement”. I assumed he was talking about Easter and Christmas, so I responded by saying “I’m pretty sure the only reason why you now have to make your kids believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny is so that they don’t spoil it for everyone they go to school with. Because even if you were honest with a seven year old and told them that Santa was a lie but not to tell anyone, the first fucking thing they would do in school the next day is say ‘my Dad TOLD ME SANTA IS A LIE! HE TOLD ME SO!’. Bastard kids I don’t have yet…” and I honestly think this is true. As much as I would rather say to my kids “On Christmas, mom and dad spend way too much money on buying you all the thing syou want because we love you and because the economy DEMANDS we do” instead of lying to them, I know I cannot. Remember when you found out that Santa Claus was fake? I remember because I was probably 6 or 7 and my bastard sister told me. And it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. She was all “Think about it stupid. How could Santa Claus be real?” and I was like “Well…the Easter Bunny is real though, right?” and she was like “YOU’RE SO DUMB! HAHAHAHA!”. The knife was twisted. But you know what the worst part about it was? I believed her (because frankly, she was my older sister and she could get me to wear dresses if she wanted to) and I felt guilty about knowing and like I would be letting my parents down if they knew I knew they were faking it. Think about how absurd thatis. So I pretended up until like 5th or 6th grade that I thought Santa was real. Every holiday it felt like I was living a lie. Fucking terrible.
2. Watching “The Good Son”- Remember “The Good Son” with Macaulay Culkin? I remember being so excited when it came out. I was obsessed with kids being important or something at that time in my life (I’m not sure where this idea of ‘nobody respects kids’ came from…maybe it was because I watched too much Nick News W-5 with Linda Ellerbee and somehow that gave me the impression that a)everyone thought kids were stupid and should be dead and/or b)made me depressed at an early age) and I remember Macaulay Culkin was finally taking a serious role to prove that kids COULD in fact be important to society. That movie dealt with real issues, issues all kids face. Like smoking and how to drown your baby brother. I remember watching that and not only feeling like the world was a terrible place, but also feeling like kids all were stupid and probably should be dead. Thanks for ruining my life Macaulay! But in all seriousness, every kid has a movie they see at an early age that makes them regret ever enjoying cinema. For some kids it was “Bambi”. For some it was “My Girl”. I can’t wait until some 10 year olds see “Hounddog” and wonder why the World would be so cruel to Dakota Fanning. Major punch in the stomach.
3. Watching An A & E Documentary About Inner City Life- I recall watching something about young kids and gangs and drug dealing in Baltimore and Detroit. I was probably 8 at the time. The kids int he documentary all had their faces blurred out, but they were like 9-14 and all carried guns and talked about all the people they killed and drugs they sold. That was pretty much when I decided that the world was a horrible place for sure. I tried to rationalize that “The Good Son” was just a bad movie and incredibly unrealistic (who raises kids at a house near a giant cliff???). But this documentary made me long for the days where I was worried someone in my 3rd grade class might be a closet serial killer.
4. Moving From one State To Another- This one is something that isn’t always controllable, but really makes your kid wonder if you are just being as difficult as possible because you hate them or because you are a self-centered jerk.
5. Getting a Divorce – The easy but still effective punch in the stomach for any kid. Next time use birth control! ZING! (I joke…all though, I’m sure fewer divorces would result in fewer Psychology majors…)

It seems shitty that the season already started and I didn’t get to do my big NBA preview. So now that I’ve seen most teams play a game (or 2) I have an unprecedented edge in all of my predictions. Here we go:

The New York Knicks will NOT be the worst team in the NBA. In fact, because Mike D’Antoni will do everything in his power to NOT be horrible, I predict they win 33 games this season. Yes. 33 wins. They will be sneaky some nights. They won’t use Marbury all that much. It will be a fun group. Sort of. They might even be fiesty enough to try to slide into the Playoffs (they are probably 1-3 years away from being a playoff team). The New York Knicks will be 33-49.

The Cleveland Cavs will be pretty damn good with Mo Williams (lack of a bench notwithstanding). I expect they will have a 54-28 season.

The Toronto Raptors will be sort of like the Detroit Tigers were this season. Except, they didn’t ALSO get a young all star along with a washed up Dontrelle Willis. Jermaine O’Neal will be OK, but he won’t be the savior. 45-37.

The Detroit Pistons will finish 54-28.

The Celtics will finish 60-22.

The Wizards will finish 41-41.

The 76ers will finish 47-35.

The Magic will finish 52-30.

The Miami Heat will be a lot better this season. I love the Dwayne Wade ad campaign already. He should be incredible this season. Like that time he was essentially the ghost of Michael Jordan against the Mavericks in the NBA Finals for a couple of games. Michael Beasley won’t hurt either. I know the supporting cast is grim and Shawn Marion might have been the most overrated player of the last half decade…but maybe not. 44-38

The Lakers will win 69 games this season. Yes, that is absurd. I agree. But they are going to angry, big, and bitter. Expect blood on the court.

I like the Grizzlies to win 33 games in the West. They will sort of be like the Knicks of the West, but with more upside (youth and not as much wasted cash on the books).

The Trailblazers should (could) have won 50 games this season. With Old Man Oden out a month I will drop them down to 44 wins.

The worst teams by far will be the New Jersey Nets, Oklahoma City Thunder, Golden State Warriors and Milwaukee Bucks. I don’t think there will be as many pitiful teams this seaosn as there were last year…

The Chicago Bulls could be a surprise playoff team. They were everyone’s sleeper pick for 2007-08 for some reason…But it would make sense for them to be good this year in the same way it sort of made sense for the Devil Rays to be good overnight. When you get one of the highest draft picks year after year after year it only makes sense that you should eventually have a stockpile of good young players and/or trade bait galore. Even if their success does happen seemingly overnight.

The Spurs will finish 51-31.

The Hornets will finish 58-24.

The Clippers will finish a fun 39-43.

The Mavericks will finish 53-29.

The Suns will finish 46-36. I know this might seem low. But they are old. And not the same team anymore. At all.

The Nuggets will finish 31-51 and without either Allen Iverson or  Carmello Anthony or both.

Playoff predictions later in the season.

And now, a segment we call “Bet On it” where York Robrts gives readers 13 things to bet on this week because all of the readers of Chair are compulsive gamblers, simply arrived here looking for porn or both.

• The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North. For no good reason. Bet $1000 on it.
• Mickey Rourke will win the Oscar for Best Actor for “The Wrestler”. Bet $100 on it.
• Zac Efron will be this generation’s Michael J. Fox, somehow. Bet $13 on it.
• Marques Colston will finish the NFL regular season with 38 catches. On the dot. Bet $25 on it.
• Braylon Edwards doesn’t actually drink 5 Hour Energy. Bet $17 on it.
• Rickey Henderson will be a first ballot Hall Of Famer. Bet $50,000 on it.
• John Rocker will one day visit Cooperstown. Bet $9 on it.
• “Life On Mars” will last 39 episodes or less. Bet $270 on it.
• Pogs will be cool again by 2039. Bet $7 on it.
• Penn State will win the BCS National Championship. Bet $312 on it.
• Leon Powe will make the NBA All Star Team. Bet $1.73 on it.
• Derrick Rose will win rookie of the year. Bet $42 on it.

Novice Fantasy Football: Week 8, Oh Boy!

by. Enigma

Yes, it’s me, Enigma. And i am proud to say that i survived week 8.

That’s right… i survived even without my boy, Steven Jackson.

I was very fortunate this week, i will admit. I was fortunate that DeAngelo Williams had a pretty fantastic game. LenDale White had a pretty awesome game last night, too, but i had already won at that point.

I must say, though, that i am quite pleased with LenDale White as of late. I’m glad he’s back playing good fucking football again. I’m very glad i hung on to him (which is more than i can say for Willis McGahee, whom i dropped, like, week 4 and whom was picked up by… yes you guessed it… York Fucking Roberts).

I was a little distraught, however, that i didn’t play Matt Jones this week.

I guess i didn’t do enough research, because i thought his suspension was in effect. In case you didn’t hear, like me, it wasn’t yet. And he had a super awesome game. Not that it mattered, but now i am pretty sure that he will be sitting the next 3 weeks. And that really hurts considering the Jaguars will be playing Atlanta AND Detroit.  But who knows, maybe his appeals will go through and he’ll get to keep playing. I hope. I pray. Either way, i am definitely hanging on to him.

Speaking of the Jacksonville Jaguars, i picked them up for my defense this week, after consulting a smorgasboard of internet FF resources. However, they only got me 1 point. And once again, the projections for week 9 are in and Jacksonville is heavily favored (in the top 8 across the board) to be successful against the Cincinnati Bengals. But i also have the Bills’ defense. Thus my dilemma is which to play this week.

Finally, my lovely, handsome, totally fucking fantastic quarterback, Phillip Rivers, is on BYE this week. Leaving me with the quest of which QB to pick up off the waiver wire.

I grabbed Matt Cassel, but soon ditched him for JaMarcus Russell. But now it seems like everyone is looking at Marc Bulger (my backup QB during the draft) to be, much like last week, a super-sleeper pick this weekend. So, do i stick with Russell or grab Bulger?

Moreover, if my homeboy Steven Jackson is back this week (which i pray to God he is) then Bulger might not have to throw very much (seeing as how Steven Jackson is godlike in everything he does).

Decisions, decisions…

Fingers crossed, my friends…

Brady Quinn Sucks Grapefruit-Sized Balls. Halloween Is Coming. Birthday Cards. Why Someone Like The Cardinals Will Win The Superbowl.

Congratulations John McCain.

I guess you locked up the election. No need to finish things up the next couple of weeks. Now that you have an endorsement by the backup quarterback of a 2-4 NFL team that is woefully underachieving and can’t even keep a locker room clean, you pretty much are all set.

Well you know what Brady Quinn? I don’t care what you think…Oh no.

I base who I vote for solely on the endorsements they receive from the following seven people:

1) Seneca Wallace (backup QB for the Seattle Seahawks)

2) Mister Salty

3) Gallagher’s younger brother Ron Gallagher who ripped him off and stole his routine for over a decade.

4) Miranda July

5) James L. Brooks

6) Aaron Downey

7) That chick from the Progressive Auto Insurance commercials.

I haven’t heard anything from any of you yet! WHO SHOULD I VOTE FOR!!!!

Endorsements are maybe the dumbest thing about elections. Electoral college aside.

I know I don’t want to vote for that O’Bama, because he’s Irish! I can’t support the Irish!!! He’ll take all his orders from the Pope!! NOOOO!!!

Speaking of dressing up like something, Halloween is almost upon us.

For little kids that means a lot of free candy, running around, being cute and/or annoying and being scared by things that probably aren’t scary.

For eleven through 13 year olds it means you only have a couple chances left, tops. Make the most of them. I know, you don’t want to have to say “Trick or Treat!” anymore and that it is embarrassing and you sure as hell don’t want any of the people you go to school with to see you in your Wall*E costume. But your face is covered. It’ll be all right. And it’s free candy you ungrateful bastards!

For teenagers it means playing pranks and generally being an asshole and being upset that you are too old to trick or treat but hiding your dissatisfaction behind two dozen eggs and several rolls of low grade toilet paper.

For college kids it means slutty slutty women’s costumes mixed with an amount of alcohol consumption that is neither intelligent or fun. Enjoy it while it lasts bitches.

For twenty-somethings like me, it means watching “Halloween” and wishing it was better. If you are a twentysomethign like myself, looking for a way to enjoy your Halloween that involves being home and a scary movie, I suggest you pick up “Funny Games”. The original 1997 version is better, but you can get the English 2008 version too if you’re too lazy to read. Now that’s a fucking movie. It’ll make you feel horrible about everything.

If you’re old enough to have little kids, congratulations, you’ve cashed in again. This is the beginning of you living vicariously through them because your life is already pretty much over.

I’m using my smarmy asshole voice for this entry.

Worst candies ever:

1. Milk Duds (IT HAS DUD IN THE TITLE FOR FUCK’S SAKE! It’s like my friends who ordered the “Shamwow” from that lazy-eyed jackass on TV and were expecting it to be great. Really friends? In the commercial, it has all of the properties of a vacuum, carpet cleaner, stain remover and empty 5 gallon jug. Anything that versatile would clearly be classified as a WMD in America. Throw in the fact that it has SHAM in the title and you should have a pretty damn good idea what you’re getting. They are pieces of felt that smell horrible and shed weird lint everywhere. Never trust a lazy-eyed guy with a telemarketer headset.
2. Wax Candy (The shit isn’t even candy. It’s just wax. I’m pretty sure they make it from the runoff at Yankee Candle facilities. Next year, save me the trouble and give me a handful of tea-lights Grandma!)
3. Juijyfruits (I loooove chewing and haaaaate teeth)
4. Smartees (the less glamorous cousin of Pixie Stix)
5. Pennies (at least they’re full of minerals…)

Most Underplayed Candies:

1. Skor (everyone loves Heath bar. Well, Skor is just as good!)
2. Payday (easily the best candy bar out there. It is just peanuts and sugar but it has such a strange and unique flavor. Some foods are more than the sum of their parts…It’s sort of like the 2008 Arizona Cardinals who are somehow pretty good even though they probably shouldn’t be…Plus Bukowski LOVED Payday. And anything Bukowski loved is worth considering in my book (he also adored Mickey Rourke and swore he would be one of the greatest actors of this generation…I can’t wait for “The Wrestler”…)
3. Take 5 (Most candybars have 2-4 elements [snickers, milky way, baby ruth...etc.] but Take 5 has set the bar higher. This is a candy bar that dares to achieve. This is a candy bar that is making future generations take notice. The Clark bar may have been great in 1964, but you know what? It looks like shit in comparison to Take 5. That’s how I feel about you Joe Namath. That’s how I feel about you!!!)
4. Nutrageous (that shit is NUTRAGEOUS!)
5. Candycorn (the great thing about candycorn is that it comes right out and says ‘I’m just a pile of dyed corn syrup and you’re gonna eat me anyway douchebag’.)

At my office for everyone’s birthday they buy a card (the office manager..on the company dime) and circulate it to that person’s department so everyone can sign it. It’s a nice gesture. When I got mine last year though, I noticed that I didn’t know at least 1/3 of the 45-55 signatures on it. And since the company is growing, the number of cards is high. You usually sign at least one a week, maybe more. I hate when they are all glittery. Stupid glitter covered desk. Sometimes like 6 people have their birthday the same week and they send around a folder with 6 cards in it to sign. That’s like 20 minutes of work. No joke. Because if you know the person, you want to write a little more than just “happy birthday, York”, you know?

Add in the fact that I don’t know/will never work with at least half of the people whose cards come across my desk and it can be sort of empty to just write yoru name.

So I have taken to signing every card with a fake name.

Sometimes I’ll write things like “We should go out more often, Gabe Z.” because no one who works here is named Gabe and even if there was a Gabe, there would be no need to write a last initial. But that’s the way Gabe Z. rolls.

Sometimes I’ll just write “Good luck, Camus”.

But one of my favorite things to do is to write things like:

“Happy Birthday Sarah P. I can’t keep pretending I don’t love you. You . Dave” (you want to cross it off so it is still legible but difficult to make out).

I suggest you do the same at your place of business.

Kellen Winslow Had a Staph Infection. Speaks Out Against Cleveland Browns Facilities.

You have to wonder where that whole “Kellen Winslow’s balls have swelled to the size of grapefruits” rumor originated.

If you follow football, even remotely, you probably heard something like that floating around the last couple of weeks.

Supposedly his issue was a staph infection.

This could have easily came to a head in the groin area but regardless, Winslow is the sixth player within the last couple of seasons on the Browns roster to have a staph infection.

Yeah, when you think staph infection, you probably think of a teenage girl with a boil or something…but staph infections are no joke.

If you have one and let it go without medical attention (as I’m sure many tough athletes would try to, thinking “oh, it’s just a cut or a bump, no big deal”) it can lead to serious illness sometimes requiring amputation or, if untreated for an absurd amount of time, death.

Edwards says that the reason why his condition was withheld was not because he was hiding behind HIPAA (which, by the way is his medical right, and not ‘hiding’ as so many asshole/moron journalists and fans believe) but because the upper management of the team didn’t want it to get out that yet another one of their players contracted a staph infection.

“They didn’t even want me going to the Cleveland Browns’ facility because they didn’t want me to get re-infected. Something is wrong up there. It needs to be fixed.”

 

“Nobody knew that I had staph on the team because the Browns didn’t want it to get out,” Winslow said. “But it’s my teammates’ right to know what’s going on at the facility to protect them. Their safety is at risk, too, and I didn’t agree with the Cleveland Browns, because they are protecting the organization and not the players.”

 

“I didn’t get a ‘How are you doing Kellen? It’s good to have you back.’ Nothing like that,” Winslow said. “I was very disappointed. I basically told him I don’t feel appreciated on this team by you [GM Phil Savage], and I feel like a piece of meat sometimes.”

To all of the brilliant ESPN commenter’s who wittily replied “you is a piece of meat Braylon”, for one, he’s Kellen Winslow, not Braylon Edwards. Secondly, the best example I can think of is if you work in an office building that is not being properly maintained (trash not being removed, bathrooms not being cleaned, backed up toilets spilling on the floor all the time, lack of hand soap int he bathrooms, nothing being disinfected ever) and you get severely sick as a direct result of the office environment, you would probably call your office out on it (to HR or whomever) or call the state board of health. You deserve a clean workplace that will not inhibit your ability to do your job.

The Browns are obviously a little different since you know, guys are constantly coming into the locker room caked in dirt, blood…etc., but it is the responsibility of the organization to keep that environment clean to not inhibit their employees from doing their job. Plus, just form a business perspective, it is to the extreme detriment of the organization (business, football team or any other organization) to not foster a clean working environment when it ends up causing you to be shorthanded due to preventable sickness (at the VERY least).

The Browns have had almost a year and a half to figure this out.

This is a situation where Roger Goodell should step in and fine the responsible party (probably the GM) for not acting appropriately to solve this issue after staph infections had happened FIVE TIMES ALREADY!

Think about it, Adam Pacman Jones gets suspended for not meeting professional levels of conduct befitting NFL players. The Browns have clearly not met professional levels of conduct befitting their work environment. It is just as negligent. Obviously there might be an infection every now and then due to the nature of the game, but this is out of hand.

Red Sox Get Eliminated.

The Red Sox couldn’t put it together offensively on Sunday night and thy have lost another ALCS.

Honestly, it’s been a while since they’ve come so close and went home empty handed. 2003 was the last such time.

But it feels so different now.

After the Pedro Martinez/Grady Little fiasco, I threw a coconut off of a roof.

I don’t know if I can honestly attribute that to anger and disappointment or to the fact that I was in college then.

Either way, it made a big mess.

As funny as it sounds, I’m happy with this loss. I’m not happy it happened, and I wasn’t rooting for the Rays by any means but, you have to at least be happy with the way it happened.

After the humiliation of games 3 and 4, I was angry that the Red Sox didn’t even look like they belonged in the playoffs…

At least they went down swinging.

John Lester pitched a decent game, the bullpen looked fine…Matt Garza (as disgusting as he is to watch due to the horrific spitting) was just great.

Besides, you can’t win the World Series every year. If you did you would be the Yankees.

I’d say they did pretty well for a team I thought had no shot at the playoffs even in mid July.

And hey, whenever things were bad for any team this season, they could at least say to themselves “at least we’re not the Tigers!”.

Plus, I don’t have to look at Craig Sager’s stupid face and ugly suits for at least another year or listen to Buck Martinez not know how to pronounce “Ortiz” or Chip Caray CLEARLY ROOTING AGAINST THE RED SOX. That guy is a gigantic piece of shit.

And even thoguh the Red Sox lost, TBS probably lost more because I don’t know anyone who thinks Frank Calliendo is funny, and actually they play so many of his goddamn commercials I would punch him right in his unfunny mouth if I ever saw him walking down the street and TBS FAILED TO BROADCAST the beginning of game 6.

Listen, CBS having issues in Buffalo yesterday, that sucks for Buffalo fans, sure, but it wasn’t a playoff game.

You explain to me why I had to watch almost an entire episode of the Steve Harvey show TBS? Do you know what it was like being in a bar while that was airing? DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND!?!

Nice year Red Sox.

Go spend some pitching money!

Noice Fantasy Football: Week 6, a heartbreaker

by. Enigma

enigma once again. miss me?

so it’s sunday night and i have 101 points. my opponent, Mr. Casey Marx, has 94. you’d think that was it right? wrong. because we both had Monday night’s Giants/Browns game to look forward to and we’ve each only got one player to go:

my final WR for the week… Amani Toomer.

Casey’s final WR for the week… Plaxico Burress.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re absolutely right… i was just hoping for a god damn miracle. but that miracle never came. and Plaxico had a truly solid game. oh, and Toomer? didn’t catch a single ball. just my luck.

But week 6 was a momentous one for me. Primarily because it was the week that i decided that i hate the Carolina Panthers.

I mean, sure that’s kind of unfair, i guess. All teams have shitty weeks here and there. But their defense didn’t get a single point. And that just pissed me off. And because of their crappy game, John Kasay kicked i believe one field goal; a measly 3 points. I also am trying to get rid of Carolina’s TE, Dante Rosario, because he sucks, too. But he’s just my backup TE and i don’t have to worry about replacing him until week 9 when Cooley goes on bye.

I also must say that Matt Jones did pretty good this weekend. Might be all that awesome blow. I say blow away, Matty… as long as you keep catching them balls. I’m looking at you to be my replacement for Toomer, so, you know, use this bye-week to get even awesomer.

I’d really appreciate it.

Red Sox, Dodgers, Look For Hole To Crawl In And Die.

I love Terry Francona…

But he needs to stop issuing lifetime achievement awards in the playoffs.

These playoffs have taught me:

Jason Varitek = sucks.

David Ortiz = giant pile of suck.

Josh Beckett = either hiding an injury or regressed to his 2006 form = sucks.

Tim Wakefield = shaky at best.

Mike Timlin = easily the worst pitcher in baseball. Tee-ball.

What a pile of suck the last few games have been.

But, strangely, you can’t pin the problems to Manny being absent. It isn’t the lack of hitting that has killed them (all though a little MORE hitting couldn’t hurt). The pitching has been atrocious.

And honestly, after the way the Red Sox stormed through the ALDS, it looked like they had momentum and were ready to play.

But losing the extra innings game killed them. A game they never should have lost and the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of Terry Francona. Josh Beckett should never have been int hat game past the third inning. Mike Timlin should never have been added to the Playoff roster.

I realize there are a lot of injuries still nagging this team (Lowell, JD Drew, Ortiz, Beckett). But they somehow found a way to run out of gas and slump right when they needed to go full speed.

It is nothing like the 2005  bouncing they received at the hands of the White Sox.

This is a CIP. 

 Collapse in progress.

Red Sox Take Game 1 Of ALCS

In mid-August, I wrote about how Daisuke might have been having one of most inexplicable 14-2 records in baseball. He let a ton of guys on base, had gave up more walks than he did in 2007, had fewer strikeouts and (at that point) had a worse WHIP. But somehow, he had a great record. 

Last night it was very clear why he was successful against the Rays.

Matsuzaka had a no hitter through 6. He only walked 4 and had 9 strikeouts. 

To be honest, I didn’t know that this was the Daisuke we would see in the playoffs. His playoff stats from last season were nothing special (his ERA was over 4). But maybe, he’s adjusted to pitching in America this season. And maybe he’s still that guy who pitched his Japanese team to championships, pitched on 3 days rest nonstop and never wanted to come out of games.

In the eighth, he gave up two hits in a row and Francona made the wise decision of taking him out. Okajima and Masterson looked brilliant in the eighth throwing a combined 9 pitches and getting the outs necessary to bring in Papelbon.

If there was one thing a lot of people were unsure of going into the playoffs, it as the bullpen. And frankly, if the starting pitching is good enough that it doesn’t necessitate using 6 relievers a night, I think the Red Sox will be all right.

Was it a perfect game for the Red Sox? No. They left 18 men on base (the Rays left 17 on base). If they are going to be a Championship caliber team, they need to find some more ways to score runs. 

But a shutout at the metal carpet in game 1 of ALCS?

I’ll take it.

Novice Fantasy Football: [Flavor of the] Weak 5

by. Enigma

Well hello again. That’s right, it’s me Enigma.

Week 5 was a hell of a week, I must say.

As I periodically tuned in to the games this Sunday, my nerves were exhausted and frustrated. I ended up winning this week by nearly 80 points. Which was awesome, needless to say. But I must admit I was somewhat… well… livid!

Why, you ask? Because, despite all the research that I did on the Internet all week and my careful and (I thought) well-planned choices, I still for some reason unfortunately decided to listen to my “advisors”, York Roberts and Officer Crowley, at Popeye’s Chicken by Fenway Park.

Sure, they gave me some relatively good advice. They reassured me on at least my frame of mind, at the very least. But (and here’s where I wish I hadn’t even asked or brought this up) they both told me, pretty much, not to even think about playing DeAngelo Williams of the Carolina Panthers. And he had the biggest fucking career day EVER this weekend!

I was especially frustrated with football as a whole this Sunday because, aside from practically crucifying myself for not playing Williams, my only decent RB, Steven Jackson, was on bye. So I ended up playing LenDale White (who got me one fucking point… thanks a lot, LenDale) and Tim Hightower (who thankfully had a pretty good game).

Moreover, I was led to believe that Amani Toomer was going to totally pwn this weekend with Plaxico Burress out and all. But he didn’t even get that much attention from Manning! I mean, he didn’t do terrible, but, you know, i guess i was expecting a lot more.

All in all, this week I learned that, for the most part, you can’t listen to fucking ANYBODY but your own gut instincts. Because when it comes down to it, no one ever knows what the fuck is going to happen.

So, again I push onwards; not discouraged nor optimistic, but rather just humble and determined.

(Editor’s Note: OfficerCrowley suggested Enigma bench Randy Moss in favor of Matt Jones in week 5. Citing the ‘amazing’ San Francisco defense. OfficerCrowley is a moron. I steered you right in that regard, didn’t I Enigs?)

To Love And Feel No Love (To Be A Fan).

It’s a funny thing being a sports fan. 

Every time I try to quantify it or measure why it matters or why I care, I really have a hard time putting it into words.

What does your local team winning a championship mean really, at the end of the day?

When I was a kid I thought that it always meant that the team that won was the best city in the country somehow. That in some way, when the Blue Jays won the World Series back to back when I was young, Toronto was actually a better city than anywhere in America. 

From the outside, I had a lot of envy for the successful cities. 

I hated Dallas. I hated the Cowboys because of how great they were, but more-so because of how arrogant they seemed (and their fans seemed). 

Dallas winning Superbowl after Superbowl only served to further the notion that where I was living was one of the worst places in the country. The Patriots were horrible at best, the Red Sox were one year of futility after another, the Bruins were always good but could never get it done and the Celtics just always seemed like a team that’s glory days were over when I was just a baby. 

“You should have seen them when Larry was playing.” my Dad would always say. 

To put it into perspective, the day Larry Bird announced his retirement, my family was on vacation at a log cabin in New Hampshire. I had wandered into the woods and my Mom was ready to kill me when I came back an hour or so later. Because I was like 7 or 8. When I came back inside, my Dad was listening to the radio. He told me Larry Bird was retired. I had no idea what that really meant. 

I know it might seem like an odd time to reflect on this. The Boston Red Sox are in the ALCS. The Patriots rebounded big against the 49ers. The Bruins might even be strong this season. And the Celtics are coming off their first Championship in two decades.

For me, this is like living a dream.

But a lot of things happen when your city starts winning championships.

It is way harder to get tickets, for starters.

Even if you can still get tickets, the prices go way up. 

Everyone in all of those other cities starts hating your teams. Some of them (the ones who still haven’t figured out as I did as a kid, that winning a championship does not make your city more important or better somehow) hate your city.

But the worst, by far, is that something that was once so personally your own becomes a commodity for everyone.

It is sort of like when your favorite band that you have been following and listening to for 5 years all of the sudden has a crossover hit on the radio. They aren’t yours anymore. They aren’t some secret that only you know about.

Secrets aside, something you spent so much time invested in and so much time thinking about and talking about (and writing about) is instantly accessible by everyone. They don’t have to work to find the band. They don’t get to see them grow gradually. They weren’t there when they were playing to 15 people at TT The Bears or The Met Cafe. 

But now, because they are so clearly not your own anymore, you can’t even see them without going to some arena (where you pay 18 times as much to see something that was yours before that hit single).

Some people get bitter.

I’ve cared about sports my whole life.

Even when I was 16-18 and thought I wasn’t allowed to care about sports and music at the same time (for some reason…) I couldn’t resist watching the Red Sox or Patriots or Celtics. I actively tried not to care that much. But I couldn’t just stop being myself. 

The question is, why do we care?

In Boston right now, there’s nothing unique about being a sports fan. Everyone is a Boston sports fan. Even people who wouldn’t have been caught dead watching a Red Sox game 6 years ago. But I don’t watch sports to be unique.

Being a sports fan is expensive. You are constantly spending money to go to games, for cable (I really probably would not have cable if not for the Celtics, Red Sox, Patriots, Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, HGTV, Food Network, Bruins and ESPN [in that order]) to buy merchandise…etc. 

Buying tickets is never a problem to me. I go to games with my girlfriend or sister or best friends. Really, it isn’t that much more expensive than going to a movie or going out to dinner ($10 Celtics tickets are cheaper in both cases, and also way more fun). 

Cable is nice.

And the merchandise trap is something I generally avoid. Or anyway did a great job avoiding until the 2007-2008 Celtics season.

There was something about that team that changed me as a fan. It wasn’t that they were winning. I’ve experienced a lot of winning teams over the last 8 years. It was something else. 

Maybe it was redemption. Maybe it was that (unlike the Red Sox) I could remember the exact day everything changed for the Celtics. I could remember where I was and what I was doing and all of the nightmares that followed (Reggie Lewis’ death, years of futility, Rick Pitino, Antoine Walker). 

Something about seeing my team. A team that I was raised on. A team I was brought up to love, finally get better or at least have a serious chance, made me feel different.

When I bought a Rondo shirt at the first game I went to in 2007, I felt great about it. I would wear it on game days and it made me feel happy. Just wearing a stupid shirt. I bought more Celtics shirts as I went to more games and I always wore one on a game day all season long. I’m not exaggerating. Just wearing the Celtics colors made me happier. Listening to “Roc Boys” or “Ayo Technology” (two songs the Celtics played during warm-ups at the Garden all season) in the gym gave me more energy and made me run faster and work harder. Knowing I had the pleasure to watch them (on TV or in person) helped me get through even the toughest winter days. 

I tried to explain it in my season ending column after the parade in June. I don’t know if I did.

I love the Celtics. I love this core of players. I love the way they play. I love the way they act together. I love that I am living through some new “good old days” because there was a while, most of my life, that I never thought I would. 

But for all of the love I have for the Boston Celtics, they don’t even know I exist. I don’t say that to be dramatic. It is just a simple fact. I am just a credit card number on some gate receipts to them. 

That is all that fans are to their teams really.

We watch, we buy, we digest, we discuss and we get nothing tangible in return.

It is the most beautiful and horrible unrequited love there is.

How can you love something that doesn’t love you back?

Maybe this is a question better suited for a priest, a rabbi and a philosophy professor but I think I get it now.

Maybe they don’t know who I am, but when I think about them, it can make me feel happier. I can think about some great moments and smile. If I’m having a terrible day at work, I can look at the calendar and say ‘at least the Celtics are on tonight’. They are always there. They were a part of my Grandfather’s life and are a part of my Father’s life and will be a part of my kid’s lives one day as well. They inform the way we meet and interact with the people around us. They link us to complete strangers. They give us something to talk about when there is nothing to talk about.

Being a fan means that you believe in something. Something that can lift you up and something that can crush you. But just like anything else, there is always another chance, another opportunity in the future.

The simplest way to explain why I love sports is that it always gives me something to look forward to.

Like most people, I think I want to believe in something. And believing in the Celtics means a lot. 

Tonight was their first pre-season game. Towards the end of the first half rookie Bill Walker got an alley oop dunk that was outstanding. two possessions later, he followed it by dunking in traffic. On the bench, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo and everyone else went crazy as if it were a playoff game.

It gives me hope. Some people get to do what they love for a living and sometimes we’re lucky enough to watch them or see them or listen to them or hear about them.

Maybe you think I’m just a crazy obsessive fan or that I’m oversimplifying something that is very complex or that I’m making something that is very simple out to be this big important thing…the thing about believing and loving anything is that it is personal. No matter who else loves it or who else has loved it, the way you feel about it and the way it affects and informs you is uniquely your own. 

One of my co-workers told me she was moving to the North End a couple months back and I told her “I wish I lived in the North End. I’d be closer to the Celtics there.” This was probably in August, so she gave me a puzzled look and laughed a little.

For whatever reason it makes me happier that this team exists. They won’t be this great forever but that is like everything else in life. I will enjoy this and never take it for granted for a second. 

It doesn’t matter that they don’t know me or that we don’t have a direct relationship or communication.

I believe in them. I appreciate everything they do. And as a result, even when they lose and I’m disappointed, it is a passing feeling. Because there is always another opportunity in the future. And sometimes just knowing that is enough to carry you through the hard times.