Washington Generals.

I just found out an alumni of my college is now playing for the Washington Generals.

Yes, these Washington Generals.

Must see Globetrotters next time they play in Boston.

It’s always been my dream to root for an individual Player on the Washington Generals.

Soon enough.

Coach Of Girls High School Basketball Team Fired, Oysters.

When I played Little League they didn’t have a mercy rule. There was this one team with a coach who used to play minor league ball. I think he got as high as Double A.  Anyway, of course he lived vicariously through his two sons.

These kids could throw sinkers. I was 9-12. Every year their team dominated the league and went to the state finals.

One year, I think I was 12, my team started the season like 11-1 (16 game season) and they were 12-0 and we finally played. They beat the shit out of us. It was 19-3 in the third inning (of 6, mind you).

Needless to say, the 11-12 year-olds on my team didn’t want to be there anymore. But our coach sat us all down in the dugout and just basically said “Yeah, they’re better than us. It sucks. But there’s no shame in losing if you’re doing your best. You’re only losers if you act like you don’t care out there. So stop crying and play.”

We lost something like 27-8.

That’s why whenever something about little league sports or high school sports being “unsportsmanlike” or whatever always captures my attention. Anyone who has played recreational sports has either a) been on a bad team or b) played on a team that looked horrible at one point or another. It is a part of sports.

But how the hell does a girls high school basketball team play 40 minutes (I think they play two 20 minute halves in High School) and not score a single point?

I realize that it’s a high school with 20 girls in it. But still.

I would really like to see game film of that game. I wonder if the team that scored 100 was playing lock down defense the whole game. I wonder if the coach (now fired) of the winning team played his starters the entire game.

Let’s face it, if you’re up 64 at the half (the average most teams probably score a game at that level) just allow penetration, don’t block shots and don’t steal the ball. If I was coach of the team up 64, I would put in all of the players who hardly ever play for at least the entire second half and tell them all to shoot nothing but 25 foot 3’s. They could get some practice taking long, long shots (they’d probably shoot like 7%-13% from that range).

I always disagree with the whole “you can’t keep running up the score” bullshit in pro sports. Because, those people are millionaires who get paid to play a game. If they can’t stop a team from running up the score on them, than they deserve to be embarrassed.

But in amateur sports? Well, you don’t get a higher ranking for being a douche-bag.

Oysters rule.

Eddy Curry Is Having A Terrible Year.

You have to feel for Eddy Curry.

Only a few weeks into 2009 and it already seems like he’s had the worst year anyone could hope for.

First this happened. The short of it is, Curry is being accused of a lot of absurd things and even if some of them are true, it just seems to bizarre to give any thought to until the matter is settled before a judge. Eddy Curry said these claims are completely false (sort of).

Yesterday there was breaking news that one of Curry’s ex-girlfriend’s (and mother to one of his children) was murdered outside her apartment, allegedly by a different ex-boyfriend.

Curry was in Philadelphia playing against the Sixers. Obviously he was distraught.

Shit is pretty horrible.

Our thoughts go out to him.

Monday Playlist.

I’ve written before (somewhere else) about how I’ve always enjoyed the singles the Killers release. I know that their songs are usually just disposable top 40 rock and everything. I realize that Brandon Flowers is a complete tool. Still, they write catchy hooks.

I’ve liked M83 since I was still in college. Probably more than some of their more successful peers who do similar things with more instruments.

Tonight I’m finally seeing the Killers and M83 live. It should be a good show.

Anyway, here is the playlist.

 

If You Were A Fathead I Would Stick You To My Wall And Admire Your Stature.

One of my friendly colleagues is moving into the cubicle in front of mine.

There is a large white wall to our left.

We have discussed buying a Fathead and sticking it to the wall.

Problem is, he’s from New York and a Yankees/Giants fan.

We here at Chair are Boston sports fans.

We could try to represent both cities equally, but that would be stupid.

Instead, we are considering going for something neutral and totally unrelated to both of our interests.

Such as this.

I was also thinking maybe we could go with the on sale John Elway Fathead. I never really cared for Elway but I never disliked him. We could appreciate the way he lead teams to victory.

Terrell Davis needs a Fathead. That guy was the best running back in the NFL for a couple of years. But that was it. Poor guy. I wonder if his knees hurt every time he squats down to take a shit. That’s not the type of life a world class athlete deserves.

I’m going to the gym with one of my other colleagues in 22 minutes. I hope we spend the whole time trying to do that treadmill conversation thing you sometimes see in gyms.

“Yeah……So……I……Think….That the…..Project…Is…..Going Well…..”

That thing.

I haven’t been to the gym in several weeks.

During the extended vacation from Chair, I was rehabbing a sprained ankle. I fell off a chair. If you name your blog something and then you severely injure yourself using the thing your blog is named after, don’t you think you should get some kind of award? Too bad this blog isn’t called ‘$50 million : money to spend”.

I need sponsers who give me health insurance…

Albert Belle’s Shoes Are Red.

• I never got into “24″. I just don’t care that much.
• If Albert Belle stilled played baseball, he would be on the Orioles. It’s where once great careers go to die.
• If you have 3 sons and name them Verne, Chet and Cletus they will own pick up trucks no matter where/how you raise them.
• How many weeks until Boston decides it’s loved the Bruins all season?
• Sure, Fantasy sports are great. But there should be even more fantasy games available via Yahoo. Like Fantasy stock market and Fantasy movie moguls (fantasy moguls kind of sucks) and Fantasy Car Dealer and Fantasy sports agent.  I don’t think there is a need for any of these, but if I could play them at work all year round, it would certainly help pass the time.
• Walking through snow is horrible. I hate winter.
• Brian Scalabrine has more confidence and looks less awkward lately. Good for him.
• Seeing the Killers next Monday. My friend’s band played before them at a festival in Europe a couple months back. The Killers supposedly played a great set to like 25,000 people. As theyw ere walking off the stage, Brandon Flowers (their lead singer) said to the stage manager “Yeah…that wasn’t that good…”
• I want to see “Che” but I don’t know if I should OnDemand it or see it in theaters.
• IndeedIndeed has been less engaging than usual lately.
• Being on a diet isn’t a lot of fun. It isn’t that it’s hard per se. It just makes things less fun.
• If oysters were 10 cents each, I would eat 35 of them a day.
• Having to call a plumber feels like failure to me.
• Does anyone care about Michael Phelps anymore?
• I wish I was playing ‘Contra’ right now.
• My birthday was on Monday. I went to the Celtics/Suns game. Great game for the C’s. The Suns look bad.
• Would Bill Walker still be a highlight reel if Doc ever played him when the Celtics weren’t ahead by 25?
• President’s Day is 3.5 weeks away. I love President’s Day. It’s the last beacon of hope in a Winter of misery.
• Some days I wonder what it would be like to use Tide instead of bar soap in the shower. I think I would come out spring fresh.
• Larry Fitzgerald was definitely the best wide receiver in the NFL in 2008.
• The fact that the Cardinals are in the Superbowl after losing by 40 to a team that didn’t make the playoffs? How can I not root for them.
• I hate the Steelers.

Rankings: NBA Teams With Junk Food Equivalents

Last year I tried to make the case that even though the Western Conference had more great teams than the Eastern Conference, the West also had the worstteams in the NBA and it wouldn’t be logn before the East caught up.

That happened around mid-December this season.

The West is old. It is an old conference full of teams that are on their way down. The Mavericks? old. The Suns? old (all though adding Jason Richardson does help). The Warriors? done.

The only teams that seem to have made strides to get better this season in the West are the Nuggets and the Rockets…and Lakers.

Here are my rankings:

The Burger Divison:

• Los Angeles Lakers : Flame broiled Triple Whopper w/ Cheese. Somehow they just seem to want it more than most teams do. They play hard every night and I honestly don’t think they will lose more than 15 games if they continue the way they have played the first half of the season. Add in the fact that they really don’t have to play a super hard schedule in the West this year…I’d have to say they belong on top so far. The Triple Whopper w/ Cheese is an ungodly meal in a bun. Anyone who argues that Wendy’s or McDonalds make tastier hamburgers than Burger King is out of their mind. They’re the king for a reason GODAMNIT!!!
• Cleveland Cavaliers : Wendy’s Classic Triple. That is a delicious gigantic hamburger. I didn’t think the Cavs would be this good this season. I knew they would be good but I didn’t think adding Mo Williams would turn them into giants. The thing is though, if LeBron gets hurt for longer than three weeks at any point this season, they’ll probably go 3-7. He does EVERYTHING for this team. Without him, you’ve got a crew of decent role players and you go from being the Cavs to being the Knicks. LeBron is scary. Playing against him must be a daunting task. Like sitting down in front of a Classic Triple after you’ve already eaten dinner.
• Boston Celtics : Big Mac. Even though you knowa Big Mac isn’t as good as a Quarter Pounder, the name recognition and the history still make it tempting. It’s exciting toe at a Big Mac. It might not always taste great. It might play ugly defense and turn the ball over way too much but it is stillthe pinnacle of burgers. You may think it is all reputation, but when you actually eat one, it’s surprisingly good. Rajon Rondo is like that special sauce. You wouldn’t think it would make much of a difference. Sometimes you get too much of it. Sometimes you wish it had more of it on the burger. But sometimes you get just enough and it is more than a pleasant surprise. It is a delicious masterpiece of highlight reel moves and play-making.

The Chicken Divison:

• Orlando Magic : Popeye’s Chicken.Delicious. Spicy or original. Plain. Simple. Great rebounding. Great tasting. Dwight Howard can rip you in half. But I get the distinct feeling that this team still needs something else. I’m not sure what. They just seem too young. They still consistently get beaten by the Burger Division. But they are no joke. This is a delicious lunch or dinner of a team.
• San Antonio Spurs : Burger King Classic Chicken Sandwich. These things are awesome. They still taste exactly the same as they did when I was 12. Just like the Spurs. The year may change. You may still need to buy a new calendar because you aren’t sure what day it even is anymore. But the Spurs are still not to be effed with. This is a team that closes out games and does things right. This is a sandwich that fills you up and tastes delicious and will never leave you with buyer’s remorse. Its got lettuce, mayo, fried chicken and strange shaped elongated bun. Sure, the Italian or French or American versions are all well and good too. But the classic. There’s nothing like the classic.
• Denver Nuggets : McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets. It isn’t just the name. I would rather eat either of the above chicken junk food products than Chicken McNuggets, but Chicken McNuggets did this weird thing…They tasted the same forever. When I was a kid,t he meat inside was gray. It wasn’t white meat. And you know what? I didn’t care. I still enjoyed my shitty gray meat McNuggets because they tasted great and had awesome dipping sauces (still the best in the industry). The Nuggets? Same thing. They may have made the playoffs the last few seasons, but the team wasn’t going anywhere fast. They needed a change. A few years ago, McDonald’s switched the McNuggets to all white meat. ALL WHITE MEAT. Insane! Something that was always delicious is now en vogue and advertising would lead me to believe that people are making their wedding cakes out of them. The Nuggets trade Allen Iverson for Chauncey Billups and what do they get? A serious competitive team that gives a shit night to night. This team is the third most legit team in the West. Before this season I thought they might be the 7th or 8th best in the Conference night to night.

The ‘Delicious With Some Reservations’ Division:

• New Orleans Hornets : Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Sure, it may be fried and delicious. It may have sour cream and cheese and a whole bunch of other stuff on it. But with this team its like you can never tell if you’re gonna get the chicken or the beef (natural laxative). They’re fun to watch. And they might be great. But they might make you shit yourself.
• Atlanta Hawks : KFC Snacker.  Small and tasty. It packs a lot of punch in a surprisingly small package. They lose a lot though. Still, the psychology of not only making the playoffs with a young team last year, but also taking the eventual Champions to 7 games? This team can compete. And does.
• Houston Rockets : Anything From Arby’s.Sometimes it’s great. Sometimes things are clicking, they are playing great defense, everything on the menu comes out hot and tasty. You eat a big roast beef sandwich and wonder ‘why the hell don’t I come to Arby’s all the time?’. But sometimes it’s hard to tell if that roast beef was actually roasted or if it’s even beef. Injuries will happen. I can’t imagine who else they can get to get any better without giving up something major in return. Something tells me they’ll be out of the Playoffs before round 3 begins. Again.
• Portland Trailblazers : Whopper Jr. Delicious and compact. But is it really gonna be enough to fill you up?

The ‘Surprisingly Boring’ Division:

• Utah Jazz : McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger.  Of course it’s good…It’s a double cheeseburger! But…can I have some of that Spicy Mustard to dip it in? No? Oh…umm…good thing I can get free refills on my soda.
• Dallas Mavericks : Taco Bell Bean and Rice Burrito. Cheap. Involved in a stock market scandal. Tasty. Sort of. Needs some hot sauce…and more rice…and beans…
• Phoenix Suns : Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  What the hell happened? It’s like they changed the peanut butter flavor or something. The thrill is gone. Maybe I’ve just gotten older and don’t care as much anymore, but these things used to be my favorite junk food and all of the sudden I just don’t care anymore.

Novice Fantasy Football: week 12, somehow I’m superman

hello friends, it’s Enigma. it’s been a while, i know. i apologize.

week 12 was almost humiliating. but luckily i had the clairvoyance to play Matt Cassel instead of Phillip Rivers this week. and boy did that pay off! 45 points! and i played Randy Moss, too, who, with 3 TD’s and 125 yards got me 42 points!

Dumb luck, unfortunately, as my new TE, Greg Olsen, and my 2nd RB, Willis McGahee, being totally shut out. Oh, and my other WR’s this week? Housh and Bernard Berrian? yeah they got 6 points and 3 points, respectively. unbelievable.

But, friends, let’s face it… this week was really nothing to write home about for WR’s, save Steve Smith, Terrell Owens, and a few others (but not Roddy White HAHAHAHAHAHA).

Regrets? yeah, i have a few. Dropping Warrick Dunn a couple weeks back in a trade is very regrettable. Foolishly dropping Leon Washington for Correll Buckhalter on a hunch and a prayer with news that Brian Westbrook wasn’t practicing. bad idea. guess what… Buckhalter is injured, too. damnit.

Also, let’s talk trades. i made a few. firstly, i traded Michael Jenkins for Donnie Avery. not the worst trade ever. but, wtf, Donnie? moreover, wtf Bulger? give it to Donnie, you asshole. i wish i never wasted my 10th round draft pick on you.

Next, i traded Ted Ginn, Jr. and Chris Cooley for Kevin Boss and Greg Camarillo. awesome. Ginn is getting all the looks from Chad Pennington and Camarillo is now out for the season. meanwhile i lost my totally awesome TE for Kevin Boss who i then traded away and NOW he’s doing better. great.

Which, finally, brings us to this last trade: Kevin Boss and Steven Jackson for Bernard Berrian and Greg Olsen. well, as i mentioned, Olsen got nothing. not a fucking thing. like an ugly gay dude at a guido bar in Providence, he couldn’t get a pass if his life depended on it. awesome. and Bernard Berrian? i don’t want to talk about it.

so, here i am, mes amis. with a playoff spot guaranteed (and tied for 2nd, mind you) with what i believe to be a pretty decent arsenal of WR’s and DeAngelo WIlliams with a couple hit-or-miss RB’s and a relatively uncertain couple weeks ahead of me. it’s going to be tough, but god damnit i’m in this for the long haul. bring it on. i’m ready.

Everything I Know About Australia I Learned From Outback Steakhouse.

If Australia is anything like Outback Steakhouse has lead me to believe I would want to move there too.

Everything is fried. People take a knee out of respect to talk to you. There are free refills on soda.

Enigma’s Fantasy Football: Week 14 (i fucking won the regular season!)

that’s right, friends. i won the regular season. first fucking place. and, no, i cannot stop gloating about it to absolutely everyone i see. it feels tremendous. all that hard work. all that determination. all of it.

so i’ve changed the name of this weekly segment… for no longer (i can say with confidence) am i a novice. no sir.

i want to thank the following people and things for my victory:

1) York Roberts… for getting me into FF in the first place

2) DeAngelo Williams… for being totally awesome and slowly but surely becoming the best #1 RB a guy could ask for. i couldn’t have done this without you, dawg

3) my lucky longjohn thermal underwear… which i wore every sunday as i sat in my living room drinking beer watching football and i never washed them once since the first win of my 7-game winning streak

4) beer… which i drank every sunday in my living room with furious cowlicks and sometimes even with some of the world’s most incredible hangovers

5) matt cassel… for giving me that one awesome week of 45 points (even though after that you havent really done much for me, but that’s okay cuz you da man)

6) York Roberts (again) for trading Randy Moss to me, which definitely came in handy more than a few times

7) my lord and savior Jesus Christ (sorry you’re knocked down to #7, JC)

Johnny Falco… for having the Yahoo!Sports Stat-Tracker and giving me updates whenever i ask for them

9) Showtime’s “Inside the NFL”… which i thoroughly enjoyed watching on wednesday nights even though i hate Phil Simms

10) Tory Holm’s FantasySharks.com… which i learned to trust the most and whose crazy weekly predictions came true for me on more than one occassion

11) Sean “Danny Dildo” Mckendry… for losing week 14 to York Roberts (haha Clinton Portis ain’t all that and a bag of chips afterall, huh?)

…that’s pretty much it. now come the playoffs and i think i’m more than ready. bring that shit on.

<3enigma