Red Sox Take Game 1 Over Angels.

The Red Sox game started after 10:00 p.m. EST last night. So, suffice it to say, because I have a very very very important sports blog to run, I couldn’t stay up until 2:30 a.m. to watch the whole game.

Of course if it was the ALCS or World Series or even a deciding game, I would have. But game 1, in LA, against John Lackey with the far superior John Lester pitching?

No need.

I wasn’t extremely overconfident in the team as a whole, because, frankly, the Angels are probably a more talented team. They have an outstanding bullpen, a stronger rotation and a lineup that easily rivals the Red Sox.

I sort of just had a feeling that John Lester would be breathing fire.

And I know it is a small sample size, but Jacoby Ellsbury is batting .466 lifetime in the playoffs with 9 runs scored, 5 doubles and 4 stolen bases.

Granted he’s only played in 12 playoff games in his career, but A-Rod would kill to have playoff numbers like that (though 39 playoff games, A-Rod bats .279).

A-Rod is no Jacoby Ellsbury. That’s all I’m trying to say…

You know who else had a great game last night that has never played in the postseason before? Jason Bay.

The Red Sox were down 0-1 and had problems getting hits all night against Lackey and the first pitch Lackey left hanging over the middle of the plate, Jason Bay just clobbered. Red Sox up 2-1, a lead they would not relinquish.

It wasn’t just Bay’s first Red Sox home run in the playoffs, it was his first hoem run int he playoffs period.

I know Jason Bay isn’t Manny Ramirez. I know that. But he’s a guy that plays inspired baseball every night. Truly a pleasure to watch and root for. I’ve always thought very highly of Bay and hopefully he’ll make a great case to play in Boston for a long long time this postseason.

At one point they showed a shot of Vladimir Guerrero in the Angels dugout. He had a look on his face that said ‘I can’t believe it’s happening again…’ and that is one thing the Red Sox have going for them in this series and in the Playoffs in general.

It is very rare that the defending World Champions also get a “Nobody Believed In Us” angle. Which isn’t to say that experts had completely ruled the Red Sox out of World Series or anything, but they are sort of the underdog of the AL (behind only the White Sox who had to play game 163 to get in) when you look at how poorly they played against the Rays and Angels this season and the records of those two teams.

This series is probably far from over and it truly is a shame that it is only 5 games.

But the Red Sox did what the Spurs kind of do a lot. They played hard in the regular season, but didn’t rush anyoneback from injuries and didn’t make winning the division their highest priority (they blew a few winnable games that they could havewon if they were going for the division…but I think Francona had the foresight to see that winning the division is great if it happens, but there is no point in burning out your team trying to win the division only to get bounced early in the playoffs). They played well but didn’t wow the media for a lot of the season and then when the playoffs rolled around, they showed up fresh and ready to play with intensity we have scarcely seen from them all season.

Now they’re here.

And by the way, this was their starting lineup last night:

• Ellsbury
• Pedroia
• Ortiz
• Youkilis
• Drew
• Bay
• Lowell
• Lowrie
• Varitek

Not a lot of dead spots there. No easy outs. And for the first time in a long time, it isn’t a lineup based strictly on the one or two power hitters on the team. There is a lot of versatility in this lineup. You have a lot of speed and a great chance to manufacture runs.

JD Drew had a rough first game back. But he’ll get hot soon.

This could be trouble.

American League MVP 2008. Josh Hamilton? Cliff Lee? Dustin Pedroia? Ian Kinsler? Carlos Quentin? Aubrey Huff? A-Rod?

Poor Ian Kinsler.

I really do think Kinsler would have won the MVP had he not been injured.

But shit happens.

And Texas sucks. As a team. As a group of hitters, they are exciting and enchanting gentlemen. As a team? Call me when you get a rotation and/or bullpen.

The thing is, this is one MVP Race that isn’t very cut and dry.

You’ve got ARod who sucked for a while, has been terrible in the clutch (more-so than usual even) and who won it last year with numbers far better than the ones he is currently putting up.

You’ve got Josh Hamilton who was on fire for a while but sort of fell to Earth a little bit.

You’ve got Carlos Quentin who has great power numbers…but that’s about it.

And you’ve got Aubrey Huff who one would never figure to be in the MVP race.

Then there’s Dustin Pedroia.

Before I get into how Pedroia is statistically amazing or how much he has carried the Red Sox since the Manny trade, let me state what the term MVP means to me.

Most Valuable Player means the player who has contributed the most to his team thoughout the season. A player who has been statistically amazing, carried his team through tough times and led them to the promised land.

The Most Valuable Player should never be a guy who is on a non-playoff team unless he is having a record setting season.

For example, if Josh Hamilton had 179 RBI right now with the same batting average and home run stats, I would say he should definitely be in the running. After all, he would have a legitimate shot at Hack Wilson’s record, he would clearly appear to be carrying his team by himself and statistics like that are hard to ignore.

But Hamilton only has 121 RBI right now. That’s not groundbreaking. That’s just a great season. He hasn’t carried the Rangers through their pitching struggles. His offense alone has not compensated for his team’s lack of pitching. The Rangers are nowhere near the playoffs. They might be a fun team to watch, but they aren’t going anywhere and would certainly be worse without Hamilton, but they aren’t necessarily better just for having him (if that makes sense).

I don’t see how you could consider Hamilton.

ARod, same thing. Unless ARod were to lead the Yankees back from the dead to a divisional championship or Wild Card playoff spot, against all odds. In which case I would say, yes, he is very very valuable.

Aubrey Huff is on the Orioles who apparently the Playoffs have filed a restraining order against, because it seems like the O’s are not allowed within 500 feet of the Playoffs.

That leaves Carlos Quentin. He might help carry the White Sox to a division championship. But let’s look at his stats:

Quentin has 138 hits. 96 Runs, 26 Doubles, 36 Home Runs, 100 RBI, 7 Steals and 80 Strikeouts. He is batting .287. .394 On Base Percentage. 274 Total Bases.

Certainly Quentin’s 36 Home Runs and 100 RBI are impressive. But I don’t think a guy should ever win MVP if he has a sub-.300 batting average. I’m sure Quentin will pick it up in September (the White Sox will need him to).

But Pedroia?

Dustin Pedroia has 191 hits (MLB Leader), 110 Runs (MLB Leader), 44 Doubles (Tied for 2nd), 17 Home Runs, 76 RBI, 17 Steals and only 47 Strikeouts. He is batting .333 (leads the AL), .378 On base Percentage. 290 Total Bases.

The hits and runs are absurd. Obviously Pedroia’s home run and RBI totals do not appear to be MVP worthy, but when you look deeper at his other stats, it is abundantly clear that his offensive output has been ridiculous.

Another thing to keep in mind is that Pedroia was batting 2nd most of the season and did not have nearly as many RBI opportunities as say Josh Hamilton or Carols Quentin have had. I think Pedroia could still finish with 100 RBI and 20+ Home Runs. But I do feel like those are thresholds he might need to cross in order to win over some voters.

Pedroia has been a monster for the Red Sox since Manny was traded. He has found a way to get them runs without Mike Lowell, without Kevin Youkilis and without a healthy rotation. This Red Sox team has been eviscerated by injuries all season and I doubted their toughness and grit before and after the All Star break.

But something changed after Manny was traded.

The Red Sox seemed to get more injured and when most teams would have folded after losing an icon, this Red Sox team buckled down and played hard.

This is why I was so happy to get Jason Bay. Why Mark Kotsay was a great pick up. Why Jed Lowrie will be the starting shortstop for the Red Sox next season and why Jacoby Ellsbury is not done yet (don’t give up on him).

And to be honest, I really do feel like it all goes back to 5′ 6″ Dustin Pedroia (there is no way in hell he is 5′ 9″).

I say this not just as a Red Sox fan.

I really do think if Pedroia continues to rip the leather off the ball the way he has the last several weeks, there is no one in the AL more valuable to their team than Pedroia.

When you factor in his defense versus ARod or his versus Quentin or Hamilton, it seems like it would be hard to not give him the MVP.

And when you look at Josh Hamilton or Milton Bradley or Ian Kinsler, you have to wonder how anyone could vote for any of the three of them over any of the others. They would probably split votes (Ross Perot Effect).

It is also worth mentioning, that if a team has 3 guys who are putting up offensive numbers that look to be of MVP caliber, how could that team be sub .500? Oh, right, because they have committed over 100 errors (that’s an average of more than 10 a starter people!) and can’t pitch worth a damn. 

Not all that valuable.

Let’s see if Pedroia has enough gas left to take advantage of a vulnerable inexperienced Rays team and lead the Sox to a division title.

If he can, I see no way he could lose.

AL Playoff Predictions

In my original mid-season article I wanted to make some serious 2008 season predictions. For whatever reason it didn’t happen so much.

So now that the season is approaching 3/4 of the way over, its time to make some bold statements about who has a shot, who is in another rebuilding year and who is flat out dead where they stand.

I predict that the Tampa Bay Rays are in fact a legit competitor. Really, they are probably more serious a challenge to both the Red Sox and Yankees than either team will be to the other from here on out.

People still say things like “it’s not gonna last” or whatever. There is no way this team completely folds unless they 1) get cocky like the 2007 Mets…Because they are young and have never tasted victory before, I doubt this happens. 2) have several severe injuries to key players…All though injuries can happen at any time, the worst part of the season for them (just before the half way mark) has come and gone.

Does that mean that I think they are definitely winning the AL East? No. Not definitely. But I do think they will be in the race all through September.

And the other two teams that have a chance to win the AL East?

The Yankees are one.

Even though I was programmed to hate everything they stand for, to detest everything about the organization and all of their players, far be it from me to assume that just because they are 3.5 games back right now that their season is over. That’s just stupid.

The Red Sox fans that I hear that from are either 1) new to being Red Sox fans (2004 to present), 2) drunk, 3) HOPING and PRAYING that it is true or 4) Not paying attention to the 2008 Red Sox and 2008 Rays.

This Yankees team has a few issues that are a little more obvious than ones they have had in previous seasons. For one, they are really having trouble staying healthy. They are seeing some of their quality offensive players get old and regress. The pitching is not really there.  It isn’t Texas Rangers bad, they still have a few good guys getting decent starts in their rotation, but they have been scrambling all season with everyone outside of Mussina and Pettitte. Some of the young guys look good, sure, but they won’t look good for long if their confidence gets shot. If I were a Yankee fan, that would worry me.

But this Yankees team is far from done. They are only 3.5 games out of first. 3 games behind the Red Sox. They can still score runs (thanks in large part to ARod). Hell, they have a +50 run differential. Even if the pitching is somewhat inconsistent (which is the word I would use…its not bad…bad would imply consistency. The Rangers pitching is BAD) they still have an offense that can score 5 runs a night, 10 on any given night and it would never surprise me to see them win a game 22-5.

But offense won’t win any Championships. It comes and goes. There one night, gone the next. You can’t rely on it.

I wouldn’t say I think the Red Sox are done or not going to make the playoffs.

I could easily see a situation where the Red Sox drop a few too many games, have trouble with the Rays and Yankees in September and end up a couple games out of the Playoffs. I could easily see that happening…But I don’t think it will.

The Red Sox have not exactly been the most healthy team either this season. What they do have going for them is the youth movement, JD Drew being great again and a fairly solid rotation. But Manny is taking his 4 week vacation early this season. Hopefully Ortiz is fine. Hopefully things work out. But as you’ve seen in the past, I’m not all that optimistic. 

To me, for the thinking Red Sox fan, you have to consider a few things. The lack of a trustworthy bullpen. The injuries racking up. The fact that players stepping up and filling in holes is nice while it lasts, but it will NEVER last forever. Last season’s Red Sox just seemed to me like they were easily going to win the World Series all year. You could feel it. They had everything clicking the right way. They weren’t hampered by injuries to key guys all year. They could hold a lead, they could come from behind. They could win big games. They did it all. These Red Sox seem more like the 2005 Red Sox to me. Unless they get their act together over the next 50 games, I don’t think they will get very far even if they make the playoffs.

So to make a prediction…

I predict the Rays win the AL East by about 2 games. The Red Sox get the Wild Card by about 2 or 3 games with the Yankees right on their heels.

You know what team IS breathing fire right now? The Angels of whatever city in California.

The Angels are the only team in the AL that seems like they could easily win a World Series without any issues if the season ended today.

And the funny thing is, I think they’re UNDER PERFORMING.

They only have a +34 run differential, a few of their key bats have had rough seasons, its been weird. Take a look at their player stats. Torii Hunter hasn’t exactly rocked the Earth with his offensive output this season. Vlad looks like he’s getting older. Chone Figgins isn’t nearly as effective as he has been in years past. But they still find a way to score runs. They have an undeniable rotation (Saunders, Santana, Lackey, Weaver and Garland…the worst ERA in the rotation is Garland’s 4.12), they strike people out, and have you seen their bullpen? Scot Shields might be the most underrated pitcher in the AL. The guy has 21 holds. an ERA under 3.0, 1.18 WHIP, a K/9 average of 9.76, add in an unstoppable closer in Francisco Rodriguez (more than 40 saves) and then look at the stats Jose Arredondo, Darren Oliver and Darren O’Day are putting up.

That is 5 quality starters and 5 reliable relievers. Name another team in baseball with a pitching staff that good.

I could easily see the Angels steamrolling through the playoffs. They are easily taking the West (ahead by 10 games now, probably by 21 by year’s end).

In the Central, I can’t really say what is going to happen. It is still a 3 team race. The Tigers, though better than at the start of the season, are still not as good as advertised. I think I made my feelings about this Tigers team known in my mid-season review article.

But I don’t think they’re out.

The Twins don’t have the pitching to stay ahead of anyone other than the Royals for long. Even if the Twins prove me wrong here and somehow win the Central, they are out in the first round to the Angels or Rays (based on my above predictions).

The White Sox just don’t excite me at all. They have a few guys playing inspired baseball, a lunatic manager and even though they’re in first in their division, most casual sports fans in Chicago are probably far more interested and invested in the Cubs right now. The White Sox have a good rotation, but it isn’t great. Vasquez and Contreras give up too many runs, I question Gavin Floyd’s durability (can he last through September?) and Buehrle gives up 7 hits a start (average). This isn’t to say that I would not gladly accept a few starters from the White Sox for the Red Sox. I would take any of the top 3 with open arms.

The bullpen is good. Not Angels good. But good.

As far as their offense goes, its like a team of power hits that don’t hit all that well (Jermaine Dye aside). They generate a lot of runs but remind me a hell of a lot of the Yankees….but with the pitching to back it up.

I’m going to say the White Sox take the Central by about 4 games. The Twins drop down to third. The Tigers’ insanely slow start will just be too much to overcome. Its a hole that is too deep in my opinion.

So for the AL my playoff predictions are:

1. Angels 103-59

2. Rays 96-66

3. White Sox 95-67

4. Red Sox (WC) 94-68

2008 All Star Game Was Long. Papelbon’s Wife Felt Threatened. The Opening Ceremony Wasn’t That Great. Dan Uggla Sucked. JD Drew Won MVP. (Really). Justin Morneau Wins Again.

Well…it had a lot of…stuff.

15 Innings of pain. Almost 5 hours long (and the extended commercial breaks didn’t help that). The AL wins again, against all odds, Justin Morneau scored the winning run (this guy was clearly All Star Week MVP) and was classy as ever in his interviews when they asked him how he felt that Yankee Stadium decided not to have someone perform “O Canada” and they just played it through a tape deck instead.

I’m inclined to agree that the opening ceremony wasn’t really as special as the one at Fenway Park. I mean, its not entirely the Yankees organization’s fault. had they hosted one in 1990 or so they could have had Mantle and DiMaggio there which would have been really really special.

Like the Red Sox or not Ted Williams is iconic. The guy was absolutely a man of his generation and one of the greatest hitters of all time. He played the game right every day. Obviously the exact same statement can be made of Joe DiMaggio or Mickey Mantle.

But let’s face it, the Yankees organization went through some rough times after 1979 that really didn’t end until around 1996. That’s almost 20 years without a title, they only made one ALCS in that span…A little rough…As is bound to happen to all teams every couple generations.

I guess, the thing is, having Ted Williams at Fenway was just a throwback to an old generation of baseball. The Yankees could have Reggie Jackson, and that’s certainly a throwback…but its not the same…yet. its like…Dave Winfield and Don Mattingly just don’t have the same sort of cache.

As a Red Sox fan, I would even say the same thing about Yaz at this point. Having him at the All Star Game is special, but he wouldn’t be the guest of honor the way a Ted Williams or Mickey Mantle or Joe DiMaggio or Babe Ruth or Lou Gehrig would be. I think a lot of that has to do with time removed from greatness and just the passing of time…but its still true I guess. People just don’t seem like living legends when they aren’t old…maybe…

But anyway, having George Steinbrenner as the centerpiece for a ceremony, yeah I know he’s been a part of the organization forever. He’s important. Sure. But…He’s not a living legend. He’s a guy who has big demands and loves baseball. Its a nice gesture for sure. But it just didn’t resonate with me at all. Especially after all of the stories I’ve heard. Stories that are completely the opposite of the ones you would hear about DiMaggio or Ted Williams.

So…there’s that.

It was funny to think about Bud Selig shitting his pants. Which I hope he did. 10 times over.

Dan Uggla had an “Ugly Game”!! HAHA! I’m SOOOO CLEVER!! What a stupid headline. That guy must hate everything.

And JD Drew won MVP. I don’t know when I started living in a parallel universe, but its warm here and I don’t mind that much. Maybe it was when the Bruins took the Canadiens to 7 games and all of Boston went hockey crazy for the first time since the late 90′s. Maybe that was it…

JD Drew has become quite a contributor for the Red Sox. I really think it all started with that Home Run in the playoffs last year. People started to warm up to him. You can now safely wear a JD Drew Jersey shirt in Fenway Park without people throwing shit at you. (True story, I was at a Red Sox/Angels game last August and this guy in my row was wearing a JD Drew shirt. People were ripping him apart. The whole game people from all around us were shit talking him and telling him they were gonna kick his ass-I’m not exaggerating here at all, Kyley can back this up-So its like the 8th and JD improbably hits a home run, the dude stands up and goes crazy and starts shit talking EVERYONE in the section, takes off his shirt, starts swinging it around and then gets ejected by security. Yup. These are the friendly Fenway confines.)

And you know what’s nice? ESPN waited until this morning to continue their quest to bury Roger Clemens. I mean, Clemens is maybe the biggest asshole in sports, don’t get me wrong…but is there any storyline that is less interesting at this point? Unless we find out he was ALSO running like a prostitution ring and ilegally importing girls from Russia or something, this story is dead. Just let me know when he’s sentenced to probation or  banned from baseball or whatever. Thanks.

But I would watch a reality show where Clemens and Bonds had to share a jail cell. That would be hilarious. Not because I think they both deserve to rot in jail, I mean, I think people who beat their wives or shoot people at night clubs or drunkenly crash their cars into people killing them deserve to rot in jail. Clemens and Bonds? That would be a waste of taxpayer money. Knock them down a few notches, move on. Whatever.

Anyway, if Clemens and Bonds were put in a reality TV-type situation, it would be like that Corey and Corey show, but with people who have even more inflated egos and they wouldn’t even LIKE each other. I hope VH1 is reading this and pitching it right now. Especially since both of them could be in financial trouble by the time this is all over…

And finally, I guess some moronic fans were taunting Papelbon and his wifeduring that Red Carpet event last night. This is sort of low. Not that some Red Sox fans wouldn’t resort to the same nonsense if Jeter was on a red carpet at Fenway, but its the frigging All Star Game. Let it go for one night. You play on the same team. I mean, i don’t actually have anything really invested in the All Star Game, like, I guess I want the AL to win since I’m a Red Sox fan…but I just want to be entertained for the most part. That’s why I wouldn’t mind if they started using aluminum bats and tennis balls…but anyway…I mean…in theory…or…I guess when I was a kid and I did feel a strong allegiance to the AL, I would absolutely root for Yankee players on the All Star team even if I hated them the rest of the season. Same team. Let it go.

I’m not saying Papelbon doesn’t have a horrible case of foot in mouth syndrome. But…

I mean, if Arod wasn’t a billionaire, I would have nothing but pity for him right now. Forget that he’s on the Yankees. He just seems like an awkward guy who just does one thing really well. He doesn’t strike me as a particularly horrible human being. I kind of feel sorry for him. People’s divorce issues and shit really shouldn’t be all over every paper and he sort of brought it on himself with the whole Madonna thing.

But anyway, I don’t think the Red Carpet thing is really the best idea. The average sports fan is probably too much of a misanthrope to deal with it. If it were ONLY players who were on the carpet, fine. But players and their families? That’s not a situation anyone would really want to be in. You really want your little kids and wife to hear some drunk asshole call you names because of what company youw ork for? Come on. Stupid. Just put it in the perspective of “if baseball was an office job, here’s what it would be like” and you can see how truly moronic it really is.

Also, let’s resume this season. C.C. Sabathia still has a shot at hitting 45 Home Runs.

Josh Hamilton Hits 28 Home Runs in like 35 minutes. Loses Derby.

Shitty.

That’s the only way to describe a situation where someone sets a record at something and still ends up losing at it in the end.

It was a home run derby at Yankee Stadium, both the first and last one it will ever hold. No Yankees participated. Arod decided his spiritual path was too clogged. 

But Josh Hamilton put on a show. He’s a great hitter this season and could very well be the next AL MVP. I wish him all the best. Its unfortunate though that he plays on the team with the most prolific offense and the worst pitching in baseball. The Rangers would be a serious playoff contender if they had even a decent pitching rotation (I’m talking 2 solid starters) and an avergae bullpen (a good closer and a solid set up guy). 

But now expect to hear all about his drug addictions.

He’s made great progress in life, and for that he should be proud. 

And even though he didn’t win an exhibition display of power, he actually won a lot more than most people ever do. 

Except for people who win the lottery. Those people really win big. You know what I mean?

A-Rod Likes Strippers from Reading, MA

The Boston Herald, continuing their quest for the finest reporting on Earth, ran a story this morning about an ex-stripper from Reading MA with a heart of gold who slept with and rode the A Rod twice during the 2004 season.

Absolutely priceless.

It does set a bad precedent though.

What’s going to happen if Brett Michaels and CC Deville file for divorce and some girl who went to Austin Prep comes out and says she slept with both of them simultaneously?

This just allows the good people of Reading to be exploited.

And don’t even ask me about my friend “Tim” who has slept with half of the people at the Golden Globes. Also from Reading.

I don’t like where this is headed…

But here’s a nice excerpt from the article:

Candice said she told Rodriguez she’d be at Saint after the game and sure enough, he showed up at the Back Bay club – wedding ring and all!

“It was killing me and I felt bad afterwards,” she said. “I’m not a bad person. I know how it feels to be cheated on, it sucks. But a couple of drinks later, I didn’t notice all that much, to tell you the truth.”

A-Rod, Divorce, Madonna, Awesome.

ARod and his wife are on the way to an expensive, long divorce.

Here’s what Madonna had to say about it:

“I brought my kids to a Yankee game,” Madonna said in the statement. “I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study.”

She just wants everyone to know that SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT SPIRITUAL PATH A ROD MAY CHOOSE! OK? SO BACK OFF HIS SPIRITUAL PATH BITCHES!

Absurd.

There is no person in the universe more in love with herself than Madonna.

ARod, I know you’re on the Yankees, and I’m regionally obligated to hate you but I’m trying to look out for you here. Stay away from Madonna. She’s a psyhotic bitch and I know that “Live To Tell” was a great song, but what was the last even quasi-good single she had? Don’t say “Hung Up”. I’ll puke. And this is what she’ll always look like to me:

 

 You really don’t want to put any part of your body near that.

Plus, this is the chick who tried to seduce Jose Canseco in like 1991. Think about that ARod. You were like 16 then. Do you really want to hook up with a lady who was hooking up with JOSE CANSECO OF ALL PEOPLE when you were 16? Bad idea. You’ve already made yourself another name on the list of (roid using) ballplayers Madonna has caught in her web.

ARod’s wife has been no angel in previous media columns. I think that incident was after the whole I’m ARod and I like prostitutes thing.

Also, Madonna clearly is enjoying being a headline in ANY publication. She’s that trashy. She’s probably doing victory laps around her $10 million dollar mansion singing in a fake British Accent, planning on stealing some kid from Haiti or something.

It all reminds me of a simple analogy my roommate Mike made one day:

Bombs was over and a commercial with Rachel Ray was on TV. Mike and I complained, Bombs said “She’s pretty”. Mike responded with “So is a ceiling fan, but that doesn’t mean you should stick your tongue in it”.

Shaquille O’Neal Politely Asks Kobe In Freestyle: “How Does My Ass Taste?”, Then Takes It Back…Sure…

Yes.

YES!

Kobe has been cemented in history as Robin to Shaq’s Batman. As Starsky to Shaq’s Hutch. As Brian Fantana to Shaq’s Ron Burgundy. As Calvin Johnson to Shaq’s Doug Martsch. “As Howard The Duck” to Shaq’s “Star Wars”. As “Numbers” to Shaq’s “CSI”. As “Deep Impact” to Shaq’s “Armageddon”. As “Ocean’s 13″ to Shaq’s “Ocean’s 11″. As “Beverly Hills Cop 3″ to Shaq’s “Beverly Hills Cop”.

I could go on for months. But I’d rather let you watch the video for yourself.

Allow me to paraphrase one of Shaq’s lines below:

Kobe, I’m like a Horse/You made me get a divorce

Something like that.

I mean, he could have made reference to the fact that the last ring Kobe had in his possession cost him 4.5 million dollars and was for his wife. Could have. But didn’t.

Oh Shaq. I’ve never had anything against you.

In fact, I was part of the Shaquille O’Neal fan club as a kid. I got newsletters that had stories about how Shaq conquered childhood obesity and then went on to conquer the Ming Dynasty (via the video game Shaq Fu, remember that game?).

Apparently that website is about liberating the world from the tyranny of said horrific fighting game. Good for them.

I also remember a particularly strange Shaq candy bar.

I miss those days.

But you know what a major bonus of the Celtics winning this championship has been? Watching Kobe Bryant suffer.

I will ALWAYS root against Kobe Bryant. He might be the most UNLIKABLE person in all of sports.

Being that I’m a Red Sox fan, I’m supposed to despise A-Rod. And even though A-Rod is annoying and makes a lot of money, so what. At the end of the day, he’s just an awkward dude. I don’t get the sense that he’s a horrible human being like I do with Kobe.

i hope Phil jackson writes another tell-all ASAP.

And Shaq, you keep rapping.