Phillies Win The World Series. Greg Oden Needs A Hug. Halloween (Part II). How To Make a Kid Feel Like They Have Been Punched In The Stomach Without Actually Hitting Them.

This is not at all what I predicted (even though I was remarkably close in my predictions of final records for many teams midway through the season).

But I was rooting for the Phillies, inasmuchas when I watched the SportsCenter highlights before work, I was happy that they had won the games I didn’t bother to watch.

Nice job Phillies. Way to beat the fanless, cowbell swinging, Devil Rays.

But you know, the Rays success that happened immediately after they removed part of their team name has to give some other teams something to think about…

If I owned the Pirates, next year they would play as the “Irates”. I gaurantee this would AT LEAST get them a World Series birth.

Maybe the Detroit Lions should just take “Detroit” out of their name…

Nice job Phillies. Enjoy it while it lasts, because the Sixers are going to be a giant pile of suck this year (OK, myabe not a giant pile of suck, but disappointing) and the Eagles? I just never know what to make of them…They’re sort of like Godspeed You Black Emperor!, sometimes you think they’re awesome but sometimes you just think they’re a bunch of losers with a lot of talent too preoccupied with trying to be cool to actually do anything worthwhile.

As hard as it is to believe that Philly won any type of sports Championship, it is far more difficult to believe how fragile Greg Oden appears to be so far.

The guy misses his rookie season with micro-fracture surgery. In his debut, he sprains his ankle/foot. Out for a month. Fucking Amazing.

This is what happens when you bring in Abraham Lincoln’s grandfather to play for your team. Sure, he’s tall and has a killer beard…but the guy is made of twigs and tacky glue.

I am probably as disappointed about Greg Oden’s injury as I am about the fact that the ending of the movie version the “The Watchmen” supposedly will not contain a giant squid like demon. Nor will it contain as much animated nudity.

Thinking about how good the Blazers should probably end up being makes me consider a question:

If you could completely restart your NBA team and you got to select 2 players knowing you could afford the two alone but the deal was that one had to be not currently in the NBA, one had to be a rookie or sophomore  and the rest of your team would be role players and scrubs who would be selected at random, who would you add for your two guys?

I’d take Ricky Rubio at PG. The kid just turned 18 and even though (obviously) he hasn’t played int he NBA, he certainly seemed to have no problem holding his own against a team of NBA All Stars at the Olympics…

Plus he’s soooo cute!

I’d probably take Kevin Durant at the other guard. He sometimes misses a lot of shots and is still learning but I don’t know how I could take Greg Oden’s 214 year old body over a young and electrifying Durant.

Can you even imagine Durant and Rubio playing together? It would be like that album Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis were supposed to make together. Which never happened. Which is why i feel like Durant is destined to play on shitty teams for most of his career.

And speaking of insane Halloween is tomorrow.

As I said last week, I kind of hate Halloween. It just always seems like a bad idea. And you know what’s crazy about it? Is how many grown adults take their kids to haunted hayrides and haunted houses and things like that.

I remember when I was eight or nine my parents took me on a haunted hayride and I had nightmares for weeks. Like I literally couldn’t sleep until after Thanksgiving.

If you aren’t familiar with what a haunted hayride entails here it is:

Don’t have a house to build a haunted house in you say? But you have 20 acres of farm land you’re doing nothing with? You want to employ college and high school kids for minimum wage and KNOW that they’ll work hard because their job will be to scare the shit out of middle aged couples and little kids? Have a few flatbed trucks you can cover with wooden planks and throw hay on top of?

Well you’re in luck! You’ve got a haunted hayride!

I don’t know where these things started, but basically they are just a series of scary exhibits that you drive to and stop and watch and then drive away. Sometimes they involve serial killers from movies. Sometimes they are funny (if you’re an adult) and sometimes they are just confusing.

Example:

(the set is a barber’s shop. A guy walks in and sits down in the barber’s chair)

Barber: Hello friend.

Guy: Hey. Just take a little off the top.

Barber: Oh a little off the top huh?

Guy: Yeah a little off the top!

Barber: I’ll take a little off the top! HAHAHAHA!

(barber stabs guy through the back of the head with giant scissors)

Barber: YOU ALL LOOK LIKE YOU NEED HAIRCUTS!

(Runs towards Haycart swinging the scissors wildly, getting fake blood on everyone, the truck drives away).

(SCENE)

Now, 23 year old York is fine with this display of gruesome hilarity.

But 8 year old York never wanted to go to a barber again.

There were also scenes of people being tortured and screaming. There was a scene of kids being murdered by their parents. One of a guy having his legs broken ala “Misery”. When all was said and done, it was maybe the most traumatic night of my life to that point (thankfully I would experience much worse REAL things {not involving physical torture} as I got older).

But my point is, don’t take your nine year old kid to that shit.

Sure, I guess I’m not scared by horror movies anymore. That’s great. But I’m pretty sure I would have had a far better childhood (or at least November 1994) if none of that ever happened (among other things not related to Halloween).

Anyway:

Top 5 Greatest Unintentional Halloween Movies Of All Time (in no real order):

1.  ”As Good As It Gets”- Helen Hunt won an Oscar for this piece of shit? Now that is SCARY. Helen Hunt is probably the worst actress of all time. She can’t act. Why do you think her average ass hasn’t been in ANYTHING since “Twister” (which by the way, features the most underrated Goo Goo Dolls song of all time “Long Way Down” which my first band covered when I was in 9th grade. What a great song to cover if you are in 9th grade and only one person in your band is halfway decent at playing an instrument and that instrument is bass).
2. “Dan In Real Life” – What scares me about that movie is the fact that anyone could possibly consider anythingabout this festering pile of dog shit even quasi-realistic. It is seriously one terrible cliche after another. I have never actually walked out of a movie in the theater in my life. This might be partly due to the fact that movies are so goddamn expensive these days and the fact that I would never have anything important enough to do that could warrant leaving a movie at night. What would I do if I walked out? Go to a Wendy’s? Listen to NPR? Watch PBS? Yeah. Exactly. Anyway, this would have been the first. Because it was so cringe inducing that I felt uncomfortable watching it. Like i felt embarrassed to be in the theater and I felt embarrassed for Steve Carrell (who is a great guy by all accounts). But because my girlfriend picked it, I couldn’t just walk out and be like ’see you at home lady!’. So I tried to enjoy hating it. And even that wasn’t fun. Fucking Dane Cook. At least his daughter’s were slammin’.
3. “9 1/2 Weeks”- You know what will give you nightmares? Seeing Mickey Rourke in softcore porn. Stay far away.
4. “Daredevil” – I have never seen any other superhero movie that made me actively root againstthe superhero. “Oh man I hope Michael Clark Duncan breaks his neck int his scene!” and “I really hope Colin Farrel throws an ultimate Frisbee so hard it rips Ben Affelck’s head off!” Also, why does Colin Farrell get work? He may be a fine actor in reality, but being that I can only remember him being in “Daredevil”, “Miami Vice” and that movie about him beign stuck in a phone booth (absolutely fucking riveting!…except not…at all) he seems like a giant pile of shit to me.
5. “Howard The Duck”- Does a young and foxy Leah Thompson walking around in her underwear attempting to seduce a 3 foot tall human-like duck scare you? George Lucas’ crowning achievement. You know how some movies forever become associated with the city they take place in? Like for example, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” is as Chicago as deep dish pizza and Ozzie Guillen?  Well, “Howard The Duck” will always make me think of Cleveland. And Cleveland, will always remind me of “Howard The Duck”.

Top 5 Events That Will Make Your 5-10 year old Son or Daughter Feel Like They Have Been Punched In The Stomach:

1. Finding out Santa Claus/The Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy don’t actually exist- Yesterday I was talking to one of my colleagues about how much I don’t care for Halloween and he responded by saying “I also hate any occasion on which you lie to your children for your own amusement”. I assumed he was talking about Easter and Christmas, so I responded by saying “I’m pretty sure the only reason why you now have to make your kids believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny is so that they don’t spoil it for everyone they go to school with. Because even if you were honest with a seven year old and told them that Santa was a lie but not to tell anyone, the first fucking thing they would do in school the next day is say ‘my Dad TOLD ME SANTA IS A LIE! HE TOLD ME SO!’. Bastard kids I don’t have yet…” and I honestly think this is true. As much as I would rather say to my kids “On Christmas, mom and dad spend way too much money on buying you all the thing syou want because we love you and because the economy DEMANDS we do” instead of lying to them, I know I cannot. Remember when you found out that Santa Claus was fake? I remember because I was probably 6 or 7 and my bastard sister told me. And it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. She was all “Think about it stupid. How could Santa Claus be real?” and I was like “Well…the Easter Bunny is real though, right?” and she was like “YOU’RE SO DUMB! HAHAHAHA!”. The knife was twisted. But you know what the worst part about it was? I believed her (because frankly, she was my older sister and she could get me to wear dresses if she wanted to) and I felt guilty about knowing and like I would be letting my parents down if they knew I knew they were faking it. Think about how absurd thatis. So I pretended up until like 5th or 6th grade that I thought Santa was real. Every holiday it felt like I was living a lie. Fucking terrible.
2. Watching “The Good Son”- Remember “The Good Son” with Macaulay Culkin? I remember being so excited when it came out. I was obsessed with kids being important or something at that time in my life (I’m not sure where this idea of ‘nobody respects kids’ came from…maybe it was because I watched too much Nick News W-5 with Linda Ellerbee and somehow that gave me the impression that a)everyone thought kids were stupid and should be dead and/or b)made me depressed at an early age) and I remember Macaulay Culkin was finally taking a serious role to prove that kids COULD in fact be important to society. That movie dealt with real issues, issues all kids face. Like smoking and how to drown your baby brother. I remember watching that and not only feeling like the world was a terrible place, but also feeling like kids all were stupid and probably should be dead. Thanks for ruining my life Macaulay! But in all seriousness, every kid has a movie they see at an early age that makes them regret ever enjoying cinema. For some kids it was “Bambi”. For some it was “My Girl”. I can’t wait until some 10 year olds see “Hounddog” and wonder why the World would be so cruel to Dakota Fanning. Major punch in the stomach.
3. Watching An A & E Documentary About Inner City Life- I recall watching something about young kids and gangs and drug dealing in Baltimore and Detroit. I was probably 8 at the time. The kids int he documentary all had their faces blurred out, but they were like 9-14 and all carried guns and talked about all the people they killed and drugs they sold. That was pretty much when I decided that the world was a horrible place for sure. I tried to rationalize that “The Good Son” was just a bad movie and incredibly unrealistic (who raises kids at a house near a giant cliff???). But this documentary made me long for the days where I was worried someone in my 3rd grade class might be a closet serial killer.
4. Moving From one State To Another- This one is something that isn’t always controllable, but really makes your kid wonder if you are just being as difficult as possible because you hate them or because you are a self-centered jerk.
5. Getting a Divorce – The easy but still effective punch in the stomach for any kid. Next time use birth control! ZING! (I joke…all though, I’m sure fewer divorces would result in fewer Psychology majors…)

It seems shitty that the season already started and I didn’t get to do my big NBA preview. So now that I’ve seen most teams play a game (or 2) I have an unprecedented edge in all of my predictions. Here we go:

The New York Knicks will NOT be the worst team in the NBA. In fact, because Mike D’Antoni will do everything in his power to NOT be horrible, I predict they win 33 games this season. Yes. 33 wins. They will be sneaky some nights. They won’t use Marbury all that much. It will be a fun group. Sort of. They might even be fiesty enough to try to slide into the Playoffs (they are probably 1-3 years away from being a playoff team). The New York Knicks will be 33-49.

The Cleveland Cavs will be pretty damn good with Mo Williams (lack of a bench notwithstanding). I expect they will have a 54-28 season.

The Toronto Raptors will be sort of like the Detroit Tigers were this season. Except, they didn’t ALSO get a young all star along with a washed up Dontrelle Willis. Jermaine O’Neal will be OK, but he won’t be the savior. 45-37.

The Detroit Pistons will finish 54-28.

The Celtics will finish 60-22.

The Wizards will finish 41-41.

The 76ers will finish 47-35.

The Magic will finish 52-30.

The Miami Heat will be a lot better this season. I love the Dwayne Wade ad campaign already. He should be incredible this season. Like that time he was essentially the ghost of Michael Jordan against the Mavericks in the NBA Finals for a couple of games. Michael Beasley won’t hurt either. I know the supporting cast is grim and Shawn Marion might have been the most overrated player of the last half decade…but maybe not. 44-38

The Lakers will win 69 games this season. Yes, that is absurd. I agree. But they are going to angry, big, and bitter. Expect blood on the court.

I like the Grizzlies to win 33 games in the West. They will sort of be like the Knicks of the West, but with more upside (youth and not as much wasted cash on the books).

The Trailblazers should (could) have won 50 games this season. With Old Man Oden out a month I will drop them down to 44 wins.

The worst teams by far will be the New Jersey Nets, Oklahoma City Thunder, Golden State Warriors and Milwaukee Bucks. I don’t think there will be as many pitiful teams this seaosn as there were last year…

The Chicago Bulls could be a surprise playoff team. They were everyone’s sleeper pick for 2007-08 for some reason…But it would make sense for them to be good this year in the same way it sort of made sense for the Devil Rays to be good overnight. When you get one of the highest draft picks year after year after year it only makes sense that you should eventually have a stockpile of good young players and/or trade bait galore. Even if their success does happen seemingly overnight.

The Spurs will finish 51-31.

The Hornets will finish 58-24.

The Clippers will finish a fun 39-43.

The Mavericks will finish 53-29.

The Suns will finish 46-36. I know this might seem low. But they are old. And not the same team anymore. At all.

The Nuggets will finish 31-51 and without either Allen Iverson or  Carmello Anthony or both.

Playoff predictions later in the season.

And now, a segment we call “Bet On it” where York Robrts gives readers 13 things to bet on this week because all of the readers of Chair are compulsive gamblers, simply arrived here looking for porn or both.

• The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North. For no good reason. Bet $1000 on it.
• Mickey Rourke will win the Oscar for Best Actor for “The Wrestler”. Bet $100 on it.
• Zac Efron will be this generation’s Michael J. Fox, somehow. Bet $13 on it.
• Marques Colston will finish the NFL regular season with 38 catches. On the dot. Bet $25 on it.
• Braylon Edwards doesn’t actually drink 5 Hour Energy. Bet $17 on it.
• Rickey Henderson will be a first ballot Hall Of Famer. Bet $50,000 on it.
• John Rocker will one day visit Cooperstown. Bet $9 on it.
• “Life On Mars” will last 39 episodes or less. Bet $270 on it.
• Pogs will be cool again by 2039. Bet $7 on it.
• Penn State will win the BCS National Championship. Bet $312 on it.
• Leon Powe will make the NBA All Star Team. Bet $1.73 on it.
• Derrick Rose will win rookie of the year. Bet $42 on it.

Week 1. The Falcons Beat The Lions. The Panthers Beat The Chargers. The Bears Beat The Colts. The Ravens Beat The Bengals. The Bills Beat the Seahawks.

The best thing about the NFL that is completely different than the NBA or MLB is that season to season you really never know what you’re going to see. Teams add new players and expect to be great. Other teams lose players and figure to be horrible. Training camp happens. You hear reports. The Pre-season starts and ends and no matter how good anything looks on paper or how well a team did during all of the above, the day week 1 begins anything can happen.

The Falcons? A giant pile of suck last season. In the shadow of Michael Vick they were a floundering franchise.

Then they almosthad Bill Parcells working to rebuild them. But he went to the Dolphins. It looked like another lost season. There was nothing I heard about in training camp or during the pre-season or in the acquisitions they made that made me think they would win more than 4-6 games in 2008.

And yes, they still might only win 4-6 games.

But Matt Ryan? He was a game manager.

Michael Turner? He was ridiculous.

Jerious Norwood? Finally earned the nickname “Serious Jerious”.

In all honesty, a lot of the hype today is about Turner’s outstanding 22 carries for 220 yards and 2 TDs (yes, he averaged 10 yards per carry). I figured Turner would be pretty solid in Atlanta. I thought he might rush for 1,000 to 1,300 yards and have 8 to 10 TDs. But I also figured that Atlanta really does not have a great offensive line and that the offense might be really one dimensional with a rookie QB.

But even if you play the “Michael Turner is apparently Barry Sanders son” card, how the hell do you explain Jerious Norwood’s 14 carries for 93 yards and 1 TD?

Luck?

The Lions defense being pathetic?

Or do the Falcons just really want not to be ‘the team that Michael Vick left behind’?

It should be interesting to see how this develops. If Matt Ryan continues to not chuck it up into coverage (which he did not do yesterday), they might be a decent offense. Maybe.

Are the Falcons actually that good? Are the Lions really that bad?

Seeing the Seahawks get clobbered wasn’t much of a pleasure, for a few reasons:

1. I still feel for the city that lost the Sonics. The Oklahoma City Thunder? Really?!?! What a joke. Clay Bennett is a scumbag.
2. I named my fantasy football team “The Seattle Admirals” to honor the suffering of sports fans in the great Northwest.
3. I have nothing against the Seahawks really (except that I hate the Steelers and they didn’t beat the Steelers in the Superbowl…but that was mostly refs).

But…The Seahawks? That team looks to be dead in the water to me.

I really do think their offense is questionable at best and their defense is overrated. Good, but overrated.

Seeing Chris Berman say “You’re with me Seahawks” and predicting them to win the Superbowl…well…That was a stupid stupid stupid prediction. I mean, I appreciate that Berman didn’t just say ”Colts” and move on like so many “analysts” do. But what changes did the Seahawks make from 2007 to 2008 that would make you think they are somehow immensely better than last season? I think they will probably be a playoff team (probably) but the way the Bills manhandled them yesterday? Embarrassing.

Trent Edwards was efficient, found holes and took what he was given. Marshawn Lynch was as good as he was in 2007. The defense looked really really solid. If you are a Buffalo Bills fan, there is a lot to look forward to with this group.

Hell, the Jets did not exactly look impenetrable yesterday either and seeing that Tom Brady is out of commission, this season is a very good opportunity for the Bills to win the AFC East. They were the best team playing at a learning curve last season. And it was clear that they looked the best (against by far the best opponent) yesterday of the AFC East Teams.

The Panthers out-toughed the Chargers.

The Bears out-offensed the Colts.

The Bengals look like the only team in the NFL that legitimately might lose all 16 games, all hate each other and be pathetically bad for an entire season. My pre-kickoff suspicions were confirmed yesterday by Carson Palmer’s 99 passing yards and Chris Perry’s 37 rushing yards.

Joe Flacco looked good as well.

It was a strange day.

Granted it was week 1 and everyone is still rusty and figuring out their role for about the first 5 weeks of any NFL season.

But if these trends continue….

In The NFL in 2008 Kyle Orton Will Win MVP.

“You’re with me silicon” 

Kyle Orton has promised that he is cleaning up his ways.

Personally, this makes my life 1/3 less fun.

But I have to say, I love that there is a quarterback as goofy as Kyle Orton starting in the NFL.

Orton has amazing facial hair, is on a team that really doesn’t care about offense and has nothing to lose at all. 

He is a man in a great situation.

I don’t think he’ll win MVP, but if I had to pick someone that I would definitely root for this season, it would be Kyle Orton. I don’t think it is going to help him much…but maybe this will be a season of redemption.

2008 NFL Preview: AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers

There are just some teams you hate.

I hate the Steelers.

The funny thing is, unlike the Cowboys where I never liked Michael Irvin and despised Deion Sanders, I don’t even dislike any of the players on the Steelers. I mean, I guess I dislike Troy Polamalu and his stupid hair. But most of that might just be because I wish he was on the Patriots…

Nope. It was Steelers fans that made me hate the Steelers. Steelers fans that were inexplicably in Rhode Island when I was growing up.

Let me break this down really quick:

When I was a kid almost everyone was a Cowboys “fan” or a 49ers “fan” because those teams were in vogue back then. Kids on a bandwagon, probably because their fathers were bandwagon jumping losers as well. No big deal.

The worst were the Steelers”fans”. These were kids whose fathers were bandwagon jumpers in the 70’s and were too lazy to even jump to another bandwagon after Terry Bradshaw hung it up. In central Rhode Island, we had no geographic proximity to Pittsburgh. Like, I accepted a few New York fans due to the fact that a lot of people’s families were from New York, makes sense at least.

But Pittsburgh?

It’s not like there were 14 families in my elementary school that were Pittsburgh transplants. No. Those people were just lazy assholes with shitty kids.

These were the same clowns who went Tommy Maddox crazy when I was in college.

Anyway, The Steelers have Roethlisberger who is consistent and a solid QB.

They have Hines Ward (who has lost a step but is still good) and Santonio Holmes (who looks like a superstar receiver in the making to me).

Willie Parker is one of the top 10 half backs in the NFL, and the Steelers also drafted Rashard Mendenhall this off season.

And you know what else?

I LIKE Mike Tomlin.  He had some pretty gigantic shoes to fill last season and I think he did a decent job with what he had.

The defensive line doesn’t look all that intimidating. That is one place I feel the Steelers could have made an upgrade or two in the off season, but the Linebackers make up for it as Larry Foote, James Harrison and James Farrior are all great at what they do.

The secondary is still the same. Tough. One of the better groups in the NFL.

The trouble is, in spite of being in a shitty division (Browns aside, they are), The Steelers have one hell of a schedule this season. They have 9 games that could go either way.

They were 10-6 last year. Aside from Polamalu being healthy all season (maybe) and a new rookie running back with an undetermined role at this point, this is largely the same team as in 2007.

My definitive prediction is a 10-6 record for the Steelers in 2008.

Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens have a really good defense still.

A really really good defense.

Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, Samari Rolle. A really great defensive core.

That’s about it.

They are kind of like the east coast Bears at Quarterback right now with Kyle Boller, Troy Smith and Joe Flacco all in the mix.

On the plus side for them, they have much better receivers with Derick Mason, Mark Clayton and the young but promising Demetrius Williams.

Their running game is also solid as Willis McGahee delivers each season (except for those times when he is hurt) and the Ravens added Ray Rice from Rutgers to relieve McGahee.

The issues they will have though, will be similar to the issues the Bears have. Offensive production not holding up its end of the bargain and putting a ton of pressure on a great defense. This would be all right if they had a really easy schedule.

Unfortunately, the Ravens will play 10 games they could easily lose. They also have the distinct honor of playing in Pittsburgh, Indy, Dallas and New York (Giants) this season. Yikes.

Last season the Ravens also had the honor of nearly beating the Patriots (I wish they would have in retrospect, as the Patriots would almost certainly not have lost the Superbowl) but then being defeated in overtime by the then win-less Miami Dolphins.

They were 5-11 last season.

My definitive prediction is a 6-10 record for the Ravens in 2008.

Cincinnati Bengals

Is Carson Palmer depressed?

Do you ever feel like he thinks to himself “I’m better than this. This whole organization is a joke. I feel like I’m on the early 2000’s Portland Trailblazers. Bunch of assholes!”

Chad Johnson is now hurt more than anyone thought. It is a partially torn labrum. He might be out for half the season. Who knows.

Palmer still has Houshmandzadeh to throw to. The trouble is, beyond Housh, the Bengals have Chris Henry and Antonio Chatman. That doesn’t sound like a major issue for pass coverage to me…

They also have the distinct honor of having already sustained several injuries during preseason. Rudi Johnson is ALREADY hurt. That’s not good. Kenny Watson and Chris Perry don’t seem like a one-two punch that will knock anyone out running the ball. Though Watson was good last season, he is 30 and has never started for a full season. I have to question his durability.

I’m not sold on the Bengals have the amount of weapons they will need offensively to put up points consistently. Even in spite of Carson Palmer, if a team starts the season playing backups at running back and wide receivers, it isn’t going to be easy for everyone to be on the same page even if/when the starters return.

In other words, their offense is in sort of a tough spot right now.

The Bengals defense, on the other hand, the defense that was embarrassingly bad for most of last season (allowing 30+ points 5 times, allowing 50+ points once) made only two real additions, Brandon Johnson at linebacker and Antwan Odom on the defensive line.

These are not flashy additions, but maybe the Bengals felt they just needed some new blood. Who knows.

Either way, I don’t see the defense being worse than last season. To their credit, they do still have a lot of developing players learning on the job on the defensive side of the ball.

But I think this will be another building year for the Bengals.

Or maybe they will just have to blow it up in 2009.

The prediction below is mostly because I think that in addition to having injuries and adversity to deal with before the season even starts, this team is doomed. Awful coaching. No chemistry. Star players that don’t want to be there. Great teams band together to overcome those types of things. This is not a great team.

On the other hand, if they do finish with a winning record in 2008, it will be BECAUSE they found a way to band together in spite of insurmountable odds. But I don’t think that will happen. Not with this collection of guys.

My definitive prediction is a 5-11 record for the Bengals in 2008.

Cleveland Browns

I wish Derek Anderson wasn’t concussed.

Anderson was great last season.

Not like Jon Kitna “great” either. He threw 29 TDs and 19 INTs. Almost 4,000 yards passing.

This season Romeo got him Donte Stallworth (a legitimate #2 wide receiver to throw to) and added another fast set of hands to Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow. I love those three guys catching passes and last year Anderson proved he was the guy who should be throwing them.

Brady Quinn Brady Shimim.

At Half Back, the Browns had Jamal Lewis with a chip on his shoulder last season. If Lewis is motivated this year, they should have an even stronger offense than in 2007 (they were surprisingly solid).

The Browns feature a secondary that is young and fast. Sean Jones will be a superstar this season. Eric Wright, Brodney Pool and Brandon McDonald will continue to develop.

The Linebackers are also young and fast. Willie McGinist must be the oldest person on the team, but I’m sure he’ll get subbed out a lot for Leon Williams. If Kamerion Wimbley takes another step up this season, he could be a Pro Bowler. D’Qwell Jacksonis also a young and fantastic linebacker.

The Browns also made the very wise decision to improve their defensive line in the off-season. They acquired Corey Williams from Green Bay and Shaun Rogers from the Lions. Rogers is a solid pass rusher and should serve nicely as Nose Tackle plugging up holes.

The Browns took care of their needs this off-season. It should pay dividends on the field.

I really don’t think 2007 was a fluke. This is a team on the rise. And I think they will upset the Cowboys in week 1.

My definitive prediction is an 11-5 record for the Browns in 2008.

2008 NFL Preview: NFC North

Detroit Lions

I mentioned earlier how little the NFL Preseason usually means.

I’m sure Matt Millen, Jon Kitna, Calvin Johnson, Jerry Sloan and the rest of the regulars at indeedindeed are hoping that in the case of the Lions, it means that they actually do have the best 1st, 2nd and 3rd string players in the league.

The Lions are 3-0 in preseason so far. I honestly don’t remember the last time the Lions started the regular season 3-0. They were 0-3 in 2002. I think they were like 0-6 in 2006…

On offense, the Lions haven’t really added anything noticeable for 2008. They still have the same team there. The same great receiving group (Calvin Johnson [above] will be even better this year, Roy Williams will be Roy Williams again and Shaun McDonald will continue to be a quality #3 option).

The biggest addition (really the only major addition) on offense was Kevin Smith. Right now onthe depthchart, the Lions have Tatum Bell officially listed as the starter, but Kevin Smith is supposed to be one of the most high impact rookies in the NFL this season according to USA Today. I’m never sold on a rookie half back being the savior of a one dimensional offense. Too much can go wrong.

There is the always exciting Jon Kitna returning to the fold.

One time I wrote that Jon Kitna is a horrible excuse for a quarterback. That isn’t exactly true…but he also isn’t someone you want to carry a young and talented offense.

He is 35. He has played 11 seasons in the NFL. Through 11 seasons, he has thrown 147 TDs. That isn’t bad when you consider he was a backup for several of those seasons. Unfortunately for Kitna he has also thrown 146 INTs in those 11 seasons. Yikes. Guy has played 11 years in the NFL and has a +1 TD/INT ratio. Clearly he is Rex Grossman’s idol.

Kitna has passed for over 26,000 yards in his career, notching over 4,000 yards per season in 2006 and 2007. That is impressive for someone who is old. But this is a result of the Mike Martz era. Not a result of Kitna being a rogue leader who does whatever he can to make things happen.

The thing is, Kitna isn’t a horrible quarterback. In spite of the +1 career ratio andthe age, he is still probably around 16th or so in the league. Maybe even higher. Because a) at this point in history no one can throw a football the right way anymore, b) young guys get so little time to prove themselves that old guys (Todd Collins, Kurt Warner, Jon Kitna) find themselves not only employed, but also decent options simply due to their seasons of experience and ability to handle the pressure and c) the quality of quarterbacks overall seems to have fallen off the charts in the last 7 years or so. Maybe it is due to the expansion of the league. Too many teams and not enough talent. Maybe it is defenses getting better…

When I was younger the NFL had Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Troy Aikman, Jim Kelly, Warren Moon…etc. There seemed to be a decent to great QB on almost every team. Now it is laughable who most teams trot out at starting QB.

Anyway, in this NFL, Kitna is clearly a valuable starter.

But without improvements, the Lions will have the same exact offensive problems they had in 2007.

On defense, the Lions did not improve their starting defensive line. They still seem horrible unbalanced (a decent right side with Cory Redding and Dewayne White, both young and quick and a HORRIBLE left side Chartric Darby and Jared DeVries).

Their linebackers are solid. Ernie Sims and Paris Lenon are both good linebackers and Alex Lewis is serviceable. What I question is why they don’t run a 3-4 and plug in a rotation of the younger linebackers on the bench. Chartric Darby doesn’t impress me at all and I think the Lions might be stronger on defense if they used him as someone the 2 good D line could get rotated out for. Anthony Cannon and Buster Davis would probably add more to the pass rush (and coverage) than Darby if they used a 3-4 instead of a 4-3.

The Lions did add Brian Kelly to their corners. He should be all right in spite of his 32 years. Dwight Smith is a solid DB that they brought in from Minnesota. Gerald Alexander had a nice rookie season last year and Leigh Bodden was another great addition from Cleveland.

Clearly the Lions felt that their greatest weakness last season was their coverage. I respectfully disagree (a running game would have helped, as would a better D line). However, I said in my AFC East column that there are few teams with a really good secondary, barring health concerns, the Lions probably have one of the best secondaries (on paper) in the league in 2008.

Of course a secondary is only as good as the pass rush in front of it….where they need a little work…still…

If the Lions try to be slightly more balanced on offense and they do end up mixing things up with the linebackers and occasionally using a 3-4 (WHICH SUITS THEM FAR BETTER) they could be a decent team. That’s a lot of ifs. And those ‘ifs’ are directly related to the coaching. The coaching being where most of my concerns are.

If the secondary is as good as advertised and if the Lions don’t have the worst coaching in the NFL and use a balanced offense (at least a SLIGHTLY balanced offense) they might not be half bad in kind of a weak division.

My definitive prediction is a 9-7 record for the Lions in 2008.

Minnesota Vikings

Does Adrian peterson make anyone else nervous?

He reminds me of Bo Jackson sort of.

To me, Bo Jackson was like Icarus, he was so great that he flew too close to the sun. I fear Adrian Peterson will share his fate.

When Peterson hurt is knee last season I was really worried that it was going to be this horrible career-ending tradgedy. I’m not kidding. He’s so talented that I feel like I wouldn’t be surprised at all if something horrific happened to him, if that makes sense.

The Vikings have the honor of having one of the best offensive linemen in the NFL on their team in Steve Hutchinson. The rest of the O-line is decent to pretty good.

Chester Taylor is the other half back and Taylor is nothing to scoff at either (something tells me Taylor will get a big payday as a starter somewhere when his contract is up).

But the receivers? Scoff away.

They have Bernard Berrianwho was never all that great with Chicago (and you can make the argument that this was a result of having shitty QBs all the time, more on this later) but he is young and has statistically improved each season, Sidney Rice who is only 21 and still unproven, Robert Ferguson (who has never been all that great) and Bobby Wade who is decent but not great as a #4.

That is not exactly a stellar receiving crew, but you get the feeling that they would be fine with an ok quarterback. I feel that someone like Marc Bulger would work wonders with these guys. Obviously Peyton Manning or Tom Brady would make them look like Hall of Famers and someone like Jon Kitna would be all right with that crew a solid O-line and a great running back….

Unfortunately for the Vikings (and their fans) they have Tarvaris Jackson as their starting quarterback.

Tarvaris Jackson is still a work in progress. The thing is, if he doesn’t get better by about week 9 this season, The Vikings will abandon all hope on him and let Gus Frerotte take the reins.

I can’t believe Gus Frerotte is still playing. Oh, and by the way Jon Kitna, Frerotte has played 14 seasons, he has a +11 TD to INT ratio!

The Vikings have a solid secondary as well. With youngster Cedric Griffin, new addition Madieu Williams, Antoine Winfield and and older but still decent Darren Sharper rounding things out.

The Vikings are another team that primarily uses a 4-3 on defense and has sort of a mixed bag on the defensive line. No real superstars but no complete scrubs either.

Their linebackers are something to behold though. Chad Greenway had a great rookie season and if he continues on the same path he will be quite a linebacker. E.J. Hendersonis great and Ben Leber is definitely solid as well.

The Vikings did a nice job adding to their secondary. This could be a defense that causes some serious issues.

The question is, can they develop a passing game?

I understand and agree that Adrian Peterson is almost unstoppable. But won’t defenses just starting putting 7-8 guys in the box on every down? If the Vikings can’t throw the ball how are they going to get on the board? Peterson may be unstoppable, but he can’t get 40 carries a game every game.

if this team had even a decent quarterback (someone who is like the 20th to 15th best in the league) they would be really really really good. Like NFC Championship without batting an eye good.

But they don’t…so…

My definitive prediction is a 10-6 record for the Vikings in 2008.

Green Bay Packers

How much mercy do I show a fan-base that cares about one indecisive star player than an organization?

NO MERCY.

What Green Bay Packers fans who have sided with Brett Favre (the ones that demanded that jets games be shown in Green Bay) have done is that they have sided with Manny Ramirez.

Remember when I wrote about how Manny Ramirez had to be traded for the good of the Red Sox? I meant it.

I wish Manny no particular harm with the Dodgers, but the Red Sox were my team long before Manny signed with them and will be long after he is retired. A true Packers fan would be outraged that Favre had the audacity to drone on and on in his press conference about how things had changed and how he wasn’t mentally preparing himself 100% anymore AND THEN had the audacity to COME BACK TO THE LEAGUE.

Do you want a guy who is half-assing it on your team?

All Packers ownership and management issues aside (which it sounds like there are plenty of), Favre was holding them hostage. He demanded a trade. He’s just selfish.

GET OVER IT GREEN BAY. He was a great player for you. Fine. Retire his number when he retires. Tell your grand-kids how great he was then. But right now, he is the enemy. And switching allegiance to another team for a player is the second most bandwagon move you could pull.

Now that I have that off my chest, this Packers offense is basically the same except with a big downgrade at QB in Aaron Rogers.

Rogers will not be that good (because he needs some playing time to develop) but the Packers still have a really great receiving group with Greg Jennings, Donald Driver and James Jones and Donald Lee at TE and behind the quality O-line, Ryan Grant emerged as a legitimate starting half back last season.

If Aaron Rogers can learn the offense and be a game manager/not make horrible decisions, the Packers should be all right to score points.

The defense is riddled with injuries right now. Whether they carry over into the season or not is anybody’s guess.

Ryan Pickett is a notable addition on the defensive line (even though he is hurt now and has a history of injuries). The rest of the d-line is unchanged.

The Packers still have a great linebacker group (unchanged from 2007) featuring Nick Barnett and AJ Hawk.

The Secondary is still good as well.

There have not been a whole lot of changes to the Green Bay roster. Just one big one.

Andthey didn’t win it all with Favre, so I’m inclined to believe they cannot win it all withthe same team this year with an unproven quarterback.

Don’t be surprised if the Packers start the 2008 season 0-7 (it would only take a Falcons win over them as a stretch…the rest are quality opponents). Also, unlike the Jets who SUCKED in 2007, the Packers have the pleasure of having a pretty difficult schedule in 2008 due to their 2007 success.

My definitive prediction is a 4-12 record for the Packers in 2008.

You know how you can tell when your offense is doomed?

When you have a quarterback controversy between one guy who has been on yoru team as an on and off starter due to baffling inconsistency and another guy who indirectly replaced the first guy 3 years ago but was so inconsistent that you went back to the first guy andhe led you to a Superbowl where he folded like a rusty lawn chair so the next year you went back to the second at late in the season.

Rex Grossman (sexy Rexy) and Kyle Orton (Jack Daniels) are those two guys.

Because the NFL does not award points to teams for players having sick moustaches, Kyle Orton is in trouble.

But there is good news Bears fans, the Bears made two major additions to the receivers this year.

That’s right! Management brought back Marty Booker as your number 1 option! yeah, the same Marty Booker that had 100 catches on your team in 2001. Him! He’s back! And he’s only 32 and coming off four consecutive seasons of 55 receptions and 700 yards or less! Yeah. He’s still just as good as he was in 2001. His best days are not behind him at all!!!

But Marty Booker isn’t the only new target for Sexy Rexy and Jack Daniels to throw INTs past, oh no, the Bears also brought in Brandon Lloyd! Yeah, the same Brandon Lloyd who has always been sort of an underachiever. That one.

At least at running back the Bears have added Matt Forte, who might turn into a nice option. They also have Adrian Peterson. No, not that Adrian Peterson. The other one. The one who doesn’t look like a young legend.

I’m not sold on this offense.

I even hate Robbie Gould. Robbie Gould cost me $250 in 2006. I will never forgive him. JUST PUT IT THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS YOU JACKASS!!!

On the plus side, the Bears defense is still the Bears defense. Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher will still make opposing quarterbacks hate their lives. So…there is that.

But this is a one-sided football team with two guys competing for the quarterback job. And let me assure you, the competition will last all season.

If Orton and/or Grossman were just sub-par QBs who threw the ball away under pressure and didn’t HELP the other team, they would be fine. The Bears would win some games, the defense will fill in the gaping offensive hole. Intentional.

But I sincerely believe that both Orton and Grossman do more to hurt the Bears than help them. They would almost be better off just putting Devin Hester in at quarterback and running shitty dump pass plays, options and laterals all season. Actually, I think they would be much better off if they did that. As stupid as it would be…

My definitive prediction is a 6-10 record for the Bears in 2008.

Kyle Orton Gets Sponsorship Deal With Jack Daniels!!

No….Not really.

But he should.

The guy is a living, breathing advertisement.

Also, his policy with the ladies is the same as the Avalon’s Policy for Death Cab For Cutie Concerts: ALL AGES WELCOME!!!

GO BEEEEEEEAAAARRRRRRSSSS!!!

IMPORTANT NEWS ALERT: Kyle Orton wins Starting QB Stint With Chicago Bears!!! Rex Grossman Cries In A Corner! THE WORLD IS SHOCKED YET EMBRACING THE CHANGE.

BREAKING NEWS: Both Kyle Orton AND Rex Grossman SUCK beyond your wildest dreams.

That’s right, I would gladly take Steve Walsh, Jeff George, Scott Mitchell, Steve Bono, Ty Detmer, Scott Zolak and Rich Gannon in their current state over either of them.

I said it.

Rex Grossman is easily the worst quarterback to ever lead a team to a Superbowl.

I say this because, we could debate for days about how good Eli Manning really is. He has been on an off (to say the least) over the last few years.

However, Eli Manning stepped up in the Playoffs and was a good quarterback when it counted. That’s all that really matters. Even if he isn’t actually a great quarterback in general, he was good when it counted.

Rex Grossman? That guy is an embarrassment to the quarterback position.

Kyle Orton? Aside from the fact that he has a fantastic pornstache, he is pretty bad.

The Bears are stupid. Why wouldn’t they just draft a quarterback? If I were a Bears fan, I would gladly take the possible upside of someone completely new to the organization over the downside of two guys who have been dicking around the team for 3 years, neither of which has done anything remotely close to “impressive”.

Shit, if I were the Patriots, say somehow Tom Brady goes down for a few games, I would feel far more confident with Matt Cassell as my starting QB than either of those clowns.

Maybe Kyle Orton will prove me wrong, but if my knowledge of how an NFL season works or my knowledge of how an extensively one-sided team with no offensive weapons works, it seems safe to assume that we will see Orton for 6 or 7 games and then Grossman for 2 or 3 and then Orton some more and then maybe more Grossman.

I love this league.

Donovan McNabb Laments The Loss Of T.O., Is Prepared To Leave The Iggles

I like Donovan McNabb. I honestly always have.

There was a point around the 2001 season when I thought to myself “Wow the Eagles might actually be relevant again. This guy is amazing.”

In the 2000 and 2001 seasons, McNabb threw for over 3,000 yards each year and had 21 and 25 TDs respectively.

Its also important to keep in mind that those were not Eagles teams of champions and they came damn close to becoming champions.

The 2000 roster featured absolutely no running back (Duce Staley was the starter and had a whopping 1 TD and 344 yards, Darnell Autry had 334 yards and 3 TDs) and a receiving crew of Chad Lewis, Charles Johnson and Torrance Small. Those are three names you aren’t ever going to hear in the same sentence as the words Hall Of Fame.

But even without a running back, McNabb ran for over 600 yards and had 6 rushing TDs. He averaged 7.2 yards per carry. Insane. Even though the 2000 Eagles were eliminated int he second round of the playoffs, it was truly a testament to McNabb’s grit and athletic ability that they even made the playoffs with that ramshackle offense.

McNabb led the Eagles to the NFC Championship in 2001, 2002, 2003 and in 2004 got them to the Superbowl.

The 2001 roster had a receiving crew of James Thrash as the number 1 (absurd and he had 833 yards and 8 TDs) as we’ve seen in years since, clearly McNabb MADE Thrash a better receiver. The other two receivers were a young Todd Pinkston and Chad Lewis who went from McNabb’s number 1 target in 2000 to his number 3 in 2001. Yikes.

2002 was Pinkston, James Thrash, an aging Antonio Freeman and Chad Lewis. Again, McNabb made the team around him better.

2003 was maybe McNabb’s worst seasonand he still was decent with a receiving crew of James Thrash, Todd Pinkston and Freddie Mitchell. By this point James Thrash was mediocre, Pinkston had fallen to Earth after a stellar 2002 season and Freddie Mitchell got fewer receptions that Brian Westbrook and Duce Staley.

By the numbers, there is no way that the Eagles should have gone to the Conference Finals 4 years in a row. McNabb was their leader and he lead them there repeatedly with little more than spare parts on offense.

Of course the fall of Donovan McNabb sort of coincided with the loss of Terrell Owens.

In 2004, Eagles management finally said, “Wait a minute…if we give Donovan a talented receiver to throw to, we might could gets past the Conference Final this year!!!” And unfortunately, they brought in TO, who was available.

Of course 2004 was McNabb’s peak season. TO was catching everything. The Eagles went to the Superbowl and were defeated by the Patriots defense which just slightly outmatched the Eagles offense, TO had his whole “I won’t play” drama and then left for the Cowboys.

Since then, Donovan McNabb has been injured each season, I think part of that goes along with getting older, I know it’s also hard to rebound from losing a Superbowl (I hope this is something the Patriots can overcome). Even though McNabb’s INT numbers have dropped and he has become more of a pocket passer, he hasn’t really led the Eagles to the anything exceptional in a few years.

You can pin it on him if you want to. I’m sure the Eagles management has done so internally. I think the real story here is that when McNabb was young he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to be great. He carried sub-par after sub-par Eagles team into the playoffs. Once he got to the Superbowl and lost it seems like the reality has set in.

I’m not saying that he is consciously playing worse or demanding better players or anything. But I think at this point in his career he is definitely entitled to them. Along with some slack from the fans and front office.

In a recent interview with Matt Mosley, McNabb shared some thoughts on T.O., his recent injuries and leaving Philly:

“In his situation, he’s finally maturing at age 35 [he's 34]. Sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s me. [T.O.] thought for so long it was someone else, but at some point, maybe it dawns on you that it’s not everyone else’s fault. I think once Bill [Parcells] left, T.O. realized that Jerry [Jones] truly loved him. And now he has a quarterback that he feels comfortable with. He’s listening. Sometimes you have to understand the reality of the whole situation, and I think he did that.”

“It could’ve been great,” McNabb said. “What did we have, 30 TDs? You don’t see that type of combination very often. That’s like Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison. We would’ve been up there.”

McNabb, in his interview with Mosley, said his knee and ankle injuries which limited his play the past two seasons may have been a blessing in disguise.

“[Last year] was a grind, but the injury actually helped acclimate me to being the type of quarterback that I’ve wanted to be. It’s helped me in certain areas.”

Asked about the Eagles’ chances this year, McNabb said: “I still put us at the top of the NFC. I feel confident in saying that because all the best teams are pretty much in our division. The Giants and Cowboys are coming off great seasons and the Redskins had a decent year.”

And McNabb also said he’s at peace with the prospect of eventually moving to a new team. The Eagles drafted quarterback Kevin Kolb a year ago, a decision which perturbed McNabb initially.

“I might end up somewhere else,” McNabb said. “And I’m prepared for that.”

It seems baffling that the Eagles have not released or traded McNabb yet. I thought for sure that they would and that he would go to Chicago and replace the absolutely pathetic Grossman/Orton combo (all though, Kyle Orton did feature one hell of a porn stache during that Monday Night Football game against the Vikings [Tarvaris Jackson] last season. I have to say, that was the worst quarterback duel I have ever witnessed).

The real question is, what does McNabb have left in the tank? Could he go to Chicago and be MORE successful with a worse running game and equally as bad (if not worse) receivers?

If you sent McNabb to Arizona, would be be throwing bombs to Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin? Would he have 40 TDs and 11 INTs and win the MVP?

Could he flourish anywhere at this stage in his career?

I think he probably can given the right situation. I just don’t think that situation would be in Philly or Chicago. He would need to go somewhere where he would have weapons and probably an offensive line that could protect him well enough to avoid him getting beat to shit week after week.

I hope for his sake that he does end up in such a situation. Because the NFL is low on quality quarterbacks and I truly believe that McNabb could be among the top 5 QBs in the NFL if he had the targets. It just seems like he’s been run of the mill the last few years.

Packers Fans Harass Packers Brass On Behalf Of Favre

You know where I stand on this.

Brett Favre should stay retired.

He left football for all the right reasons.

If he comes back it will be for a lot of the wrong ones.

Packers fans held a rally where they tailgated and chanted and protested for Favre to be the starting QB. People held signs that read “Favre ‘08″.

I really think that a lot of Packers fans like Brett more than they even like the team. I wonder what might happen if they fall into complete obscurity over the next 10 seasons.

If only people were this passionate about ending foreign entanglements…

Anyway, clearly Brett Favre is better than Aaron Rogers. Clearly. But if he does return as the starting quarterback, I wouldn’t fault Rogers at all for slashing Brett’s tires, taking a shit inside Brett’s helmet, putting Icy Hot in Brett’s jockstrap or demanding a trade immediately and forgoing all sophomoric pranks.

Rogers would probably be a step up in Carolina. He would DEFINITELY be a step up in Minnesota and Chicago.

We won't be seeing much of this next season...

Just stay out of football Brett. Do the right thing. Go bass fishing, buy a grocery store, build a homeless shelter, start a robotics company, build cyborgs that can fight each other. Do anything else.

Just stay retired. 

Also, I have felt for a long time that there is a certain level of player who is good enough to keep his team decent but not good enough to win it all for them. Like Tony Gwynnor Barry Sanders. Guys who carry teams to the playoffs or keep them relevant, but aren’t enough to win it all. As a result their teams always end up with like the 14th-26thdraft pick each year. Which hardly ever works out to be a great addition. It keeps the team stuck in a cog. Look at the Lions. I would venture to say that had something to do with their troubles in the 90’s into the early 2000’s. The lack of QB, constant drafting of overrated WR’s and defensive issues have been the recent problem.

Brett Favre On The Verge Of Making a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE Decision

 

You Know You're About To Make a Bad Decision When...

Love him or hate him (which almost nobody does…yet…) Brett Favre has been a standby in football for the last 14 seasons. Ever since I was old enough to comprehend football, Brett Favre has been the starting quarterback for the Packers. Its the way things were. It was great.

Then he retired. It was sad. A few grown men told me his press conference brought a tear to their eyes and they weren’t even Packers fans. 

Everyone loved Brett Favre.

But now he wants to come back? He wants to be unconditionally released from the Packers and seek employment elsewhere?

ASININE I SAY!

Listen Brett, do yourself a favor and shut up, get a nice studio or assistant coaching job, hell become a high school coach, hell, start an intramural football league in Mississippi. You have the money. You can QB a team and it can be a league full of guys who played in high school or college or who just want to play some football with Brett Favre. Shit man. Do ANYTHING ELSE but return to a team that ISN’T the Packers.

Don’t you remember the Joe Montana in Kansas City years? No? Me Neither. Exactly.

The teams that are most in need of a QB at this point are probably the Bears, Vikings and Panthers. Can you even imagine Brett Favre NOT wearing the Green and Yellow? No? Me neither. I don’t care if he started his career on the Falcons (they maybe could use him…?) that doesn’t mean anything. 

Plus, think of the value of the Brett Favre rookie card I have that you’re trying to destroy. Jerk.

That’s how we want to remember Brett Favre. All full of piss and vinegar and braces.

Not as a member of the lackluster Bears or Falcons with no receivers, throwing 20 INTs and being shitty. 

Remember the end of Dan Marino’s career? He hung around a year too long and ended up looking pathetic. I would not want the same fate for Brett Favre. I mean, I’m against him even coming back to the Packers for fuck’s sake. If he did that though, at least he would be on the right team.

Anyway, last year was the best season Brett Favre and the Packers had in a while. it was their best chance of winning it all. And they couldn’t get it done. They probably aren’t going to get any better this season. Not with an aging QB anyway. 

Listen Brett, go do some bass fishing, start an intramural football league, have some kids, go bowling, drink some Keystone Light, go see some movies, hang out with your family, do ANYTHING other than come back to another team. You will only regret it.