Javon Walker Out For The Season.

First DeAngelo Hall gets cut (which was probably the only smart thing Al Davis has done in the last 23 years, even though, you know, Hall wouldn’t have been making $72 million if Al Davis wasn’t a stupid fucking vampire asshole moron) and now Javon Walker is out for the season.

And the Raiders still suck.

Is anyone surprised?

Note to all players making themselves eligible for the NFL draft in 2009, if you get drafted by the Raiders, just say no.

I’m serious.

Don’t fucking sign a thing. Demand a trade. Pull an Eli Manning. Get the fuck away from Oakland as fast as you can.

Remember when the Raiders had Randy Moss?

Oh, you don’t? Yeah, neither does he. He blocked it out the way people block out things that happen to them during a traumatic childhood.

This team is a pile of suck that makes me sick.

I know that Lions fans have had it tough. But in all honesty, at least the Lions have cap space, a great upcoming draft pick and the hopes that they can turn it around since the reign of maybe the worst dictator in the history of the United States has come to an end (mental slip…was I talking about the Lions?).

The Raiders?

As long as Al Davis’ cold dead zombie corpse is running the show, are doomed to be the worst pile of shit franchise ever.

Yes, Matt Millen drafting wide receiver after wide receiver was horrible…but at least there was a CHANCE that somehow the Lions would end up with a team of 4 Jerry Rice clones that could make even the worst quarterback look like Jesus (a 1:1 trillion chance).

But paying DeAngelo “I suck and cause issues everywhere I go” Hall way more money than anyone else would have? What could that have possibly done to help the Raiders? Or Javon “I was always overrated to begin with and am still traumatized” Walker? There was a 0% chance this team would be improved this season.

There should be a sign outside of Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum thats says “Where Careers Die”.

Matt Cassel or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Slob.

I thought this season was over. I thought it couldn’t be worse than it was going to be. That Tom brady being out for the year meant a Detroit Lions-Esq season of pointlessness.

Matt Cassel looked like complete dogshit in the Pre-Season. There was ample time to deduce this because he started all 4 of the Patriots games (since Tom Brady had a mysterious  and much-hyped leg injury that in retrospect, probably wasn’t anything).

The last day of cuts, I remember the Boston Globe running an article expressing surprise that Cassel wasn’t cut. In Pre-Season, Kevin O’Connell and Matt Guetierrez out-shined him with ease. Cassel just looked lost out there.

So I like most Patriots fans assumed that Cassel was a lost cause. I was hoping the Patriots would sign Daunte Culpepper, hoping Kevin O’Connell would be starting, hoping for anything that could bring the team together.

Now I’m not going to shit myself over how well Cassel played last night and try to pretend that this is a Superbowl caliber team. It isn’t. But, last night the Patriots showed that they are feisty as fuck and finally Matt Cassel found a way to get things done in the Red Zone.

The way that Cassel’s confidence and decision making and really general quality of play overall has grown over the course of this season reminds me of a young Tom Brady who was thrust into a very similar situation.

Last night Cassel really didn’t throw into coverage, he found the open man and he ran the Nw England offense highly effectively. The Patriots were essentially able to march up and down the field on a very good Jets defense for most of the night (after a few early gaffes to start the game).

With that said, obviously there are still gaping holes in his game.

Cassel cannot throw the deep ball to save his life. Every time Moss (or anyone really) runs a deep route, Cassel either overthrows him by 10 yards (which seems impossible considering how fast Gaffney and Moss are) or underthrows him by about 15 yards (which had led to interceptions).

The Red Zone still seemed like a tough spot for Cassel at the beginning of the game last night. It just seems like he sometimes shrinks under the pressure of a Red Zone drive (even if he was running all over the defense for the previous 10 palys).

Regardless of all of that, last night Cassel played the best game he’s ever palyed, he didn’t throw any interceptions, he really only threw abotu 2 passes into bad spots and he showed excellent decision making throughout the game (the way he tucks the ball and runs with it is really a huge added value).

The biggest issues the Patriots had last night were on defense (which seem strikingly similar to the biggest issues they had in 2007).

The Patriots just don’t seem to have a pass rush in them. Adalius Thomas was brought to the team to help with that and him being out for the year certainly hurts. Ty Warren being out wasn’t helpful either. But they clearly are not going to be able to win games with an old linebacking crew or defensive line.

Jerod Mayo may have played his best game last night. I am 100% certain that Gary Guyton played his best game last night (and he looked really good). But the Patriots need to make some additions up front.

I’m also not a fan of the secondary-by-committee they have going on. If any team in the AFC should have brought in Ty Law, it was the Patriots.

But even with these flaws, this is an exciting team.

Maybe part of the excitement is not knowing what you’re going to see from week to week.

Maybe part of it is knowing that your team has fatal flaws and really shouldn’t even be as good as it is.

Of maybe the excitement comes from a sense of euphoria that we really haven’t felt with the Patriots since 2001.

It feels like the Patriots are playing with house money. If they lose, they did the best with what they had. If they win, it’s bonus I wasn’t expecting.

For The First Time Ever, More Teams Should Strive To Be Like The New Jersey Nets.

The New Jersey Nets announced plans today to start helping their fans get jobs.

The deal is, a fan submits a resume to the Nets who will pass the resume around to all relevant openings for their sponsors and the The Nets will also invite the person to a job fair at the Izod Center and give them 4 free tickets to a Nets game so they can have a relaxing night out.

Chief Executive Brett Yormark explains:

“Hopefully they’ll come out and experience the Nets, and then when times get better they’ll invest in us, because we invested in them [...] No other team is doing that, and I think it’s the appropriate thing to do, because times are tough.”

Truly one of the classiest things any professional sports team has done in a while.

The Detroit Lions, Pistons, Red Wings and Tigers should probably follow suit ASAP. All though, giving away free Lions tickets will most likely turn out to be a night devoid of relaxation for all parties involved.

Phillies Win The World Series. Greg Oden Needs A Hug. Halloween (Part II). How To Make a Kid Feel Like They Have Been Punched In The Stomach Without Actually Hitting Them.

This is not at all what I predicted (even though I was remarkably close in my predictions of final records for many teams midway through the season).

But I was rooting for the Phillies, inasmuchas when I watched the SportsCenter highlights before work, I was happy that they had won the games I didn’t bother to watch.

Nice job Phillies. Way to beat the fanless, cowbell swinging, Devil Rays.

But you know, the Rays success that happened immediately after they removed part of their team name has to give some other teams something to think about…

If I owned the Pirates, next year they would play as the “Irates”. I gaurantee this would AT LEAST get them a World Series birth.

Maybe the Detroit Lions should just take “Detroit” out of their name…

Nice job Phillies. Enjoy it while it lasts, because the Sixers are going to be a giant pile of suck this year (OK, myabe not a giant pile of suck, but disappointing) and the Eagles? I just never know what to make of them…They’re sort of like Godspeed You Black Emperor!, sometimes you think they’re awesome but sometimes you just think they’re a bunch of losers with a lot of talent too preoccupied with trying to be cool to actually do anything worthwhile.

As hard as it is to believe that Philly won any type of sports Championship, it is far more difficult to believe how fragile Greg Oden appears to be so far.

The guy misses his rookie season with micro-fracture surgery. In his debut, he sprains his ankle/foot. Out for a month. Fucking Amazing.

This is what happens when you bring in Abraham Lincoln’s grandfather to play for your team. Sure, he’s tall and has a killer beard…but the guy is made of twigs and tacky glue.

I am probably as disappointed about Greg Oden’s injury as I am about the fact that the ending of the movie version the “The Watchmen” supposedly will not contain a giant squid like demon. Nor will it contain as much animated nudity.

Thinking about how good the Blazers should probably end up being makes me consider a question:

If you could completely restart your NBA team and you got to select 2 players knowing you could afford the two alone but the deal was that one had to be not currently in the NBA, one had to be a rookie or sophomore  and the rest of your team would be role players and scrubs who would be selected at random, who would you add for your two guys?

I’d take Ricky Rubio at PG. The kid just turned 18 and even though (obviously) he hasn’t played int he NBA, he certainly seemed to have no problem holding his own against a team of NBA All Stars at the Olympics…

Plus he’s soooo cute!

I’d probably take Kevin Durant at the other guard. He sometimes misses a lot of shots and is still learning but I don’t know how I could take Greg Oden’s 214 year old body over a young and electrifying Durant.

Can you even imagine Durant and Rubio playing together? It would be like that album Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis were supposed to make together. Which never happened. Which is why i feel like Durant is destined to play on shitty teams for most of his career.

And speaking of insane Halloween is tomorrow.

As I said last week, I kind of hate Halloween. It just always seems like a bad idea. And you know what’s crazy about it? Is how many grown adults take their kids to haunted hayrides and haunted houses and things like that.

I remember when I was eight or nine my parents took me on a haunted hayride and I had nightmares for weeks. Like I literally couldn’t sleep until after Thanksgiving.

If you aren’t familiar with what a haunted hayride entails here it is:

Don’t have a house to build a haunted house in you say? But you have 20 acres of farm land you’re doing nothing with? You want to employ college and high school kids for minimum wage and KNOW that they’ll work hard because their job will be to scare the shit out of middle aged couples and little kids? Have a few flatbed trucks you can cover with wooden planks and throw hay on top of?

Well you’re in luck! You’ve got a haunted hayride!

I don’t know where these things started, but basically they are just a series of scary exhibits that you drive to and stop and watch and then drive away. Sometimes they involve serial killers from movies. Sometimes they are funny (if you’re an adult) and sometimes they are just confusing.

Example:

(the set is a barber’s shop. A guy walks in and sits down in the barber’s chair)

Barber: Hello friend.

Guy: Hey. Just take a little off the top.

Barber: Oh a little off the top huh?

Guy: Yeah a little off the top!

Barber: I’ll take a little off the top! HAHAHAHA!

(barber stabs guy through the back of the head with giant scissors)

Barber: YOU ALL LOOK LIKE YOU NEED HAIRCUTS!

(Runs towards Haycart swinging the scissors wildly, getting fake blood on everyone, the truck drives away).

(SCENE)

Now, 23 year old York is fine with this display of gruesome hilarity.

But 8 year old York never wanted to go to a barber again.

There were also scenes of people being tortured and screaming. There was a scene of kids being murdered by their parents. One of a guy having his legs broken ala “Misery”. When all was said and done, it was maybe the most traumatic night of my life to that point (thankfully I would experience much worse REAL things {not involving physical torture} as I got older).

But my point is, don’t take your nine year old kid to that shit.

Sure, I guess I’m not scared by horror movies anymore. That’s great. But I’m pretty sure I would have had a far better childhood (or at least November 1994) if none of that ever happened (among other things not related to Halloween).

Anyway:

Top 5 Greatest Unintentional Halloween Movies Of All Time (in no real order):

1.  ”As Good As It Gets”- Helen Hunt won an Oscar for this piece of shit? Now that is SCARY. Helen Hunt is probably the worst actress of all time. She can’t act. Why do you think her average ass hasn’t been in ANYTHING since “Twister” (which by the way, features the most underrated Goo Goo Dolls song of all time “Long Way Down” which my first band covered when I was in 9th grade. What a great song to cover if you are in 9th grade and only one person in your band is halfway decent at playing an instrument and that instrument is bass).
2. “Dan In Real Life” – What scares me about that movie is the fact that anyone could possibly consider anythingabout this festering pile of dog shit even quasi-realistic. It is seriously one terrible cliche after another. I have never actually walked out of a movie in the theater in my life. This might be partly due to the fact that movies are so goddamn expensive these days and the fact that I would never have anything important enough to do that could warrant leaving a movie at night. What would I do if I walked out? Go to a Wendy’s? Listen to NPR? Watch PBS? Yeah. Exactly. Anyway, this would have been the first. Because it was so cringe inducing that I felt uncomfortable watching it. Like i felt embarrassed to be in the theater and I felt embarrassed for Steve Carrell (who is a great guy by all accounts). But because my girlfriend picked it, I couldn’t just walk out and be like ’see you at home lady!’. So I tried to enjoy hating it. And even that wasn’t fun. Fucking Dane Cook. At least his daughter’s were slammin’.
3. “9 1/2 Weeks”- You know what will give you nightmares? Seeing Mickey Rourke in softcore porn. Stay far away.
4. “Daredevil” – I have never seen any other superhero movie that made me actively root againstthe superhero. “Oh man I hope Michael Clark Duncan breaks his neck int his scene!” and “I really hope Colin Farrel throws an ultimate Frisbee so hard it rips Ben Affelck’s head off!” Also, why does Colin Farrell get work? He may be a fine actor in reality, but being that I can only remember him being in “Daredevil”, “Miami Vice” and that movie about him beign stuck in a phone booth (absolutely fucking riveting!…except not…at all) he seems like a giant pile of shit to me.
5. “Howard The Duck”- Does a young and foxy Leah Thompson walking around in her underwear attempting to seduce a 3 foot tall human-like duck scare you? George Lucas’ crowning achievement. You know how some movies forever become associated with the city they take place in? Like for example, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” is as Chicago as deep dish pizza and Ozzie Guillen?  Well, “Howard The Duck” will always make me think of Cleveland. And Cleveland, will always remind me of “Howard The Duck”.

Top 5 Events That Will Make Your 5-10 year old Son or Daughter Feel Like They Have Been Punched In The Stomach:

1. Finding out Santa Claus/The Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy don’t actually exist- Yesterday I was talking to one of my colleagues about how much I don’t care for Halloween and he responded by saying “I also hate any occasion on which you lie to your children for your own amusement”. I assumed he was talking about Easter and Christmas, so I responded by saying “I’m pretty sure the only reason why you now have to make your kids believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny is so that they don’t spoil it for everyone they go to school with. Because even if you were honest with a seven year old and told them that Santa was a lie but not to tell anyone, the first fucking thing they would do in school the next day is say ‘my Dad TOLD ME SANTA IS A LIE! HE TOLD ME SO!’. Bastard kids I don’t have yet…” and I honestly think this is true. As much as I would rather say to my kids “On Christmas, mom and dad spend way too much money on buying you all the thing syou want because we love you and because the economy DEMANDS we do” instead of lying to them, I know I cannot. Remember when you found out that Santa Claus was fake? I remember because I was probably 6 or 7 and my bastard sister told me. And it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. She was all “Think about it stupid. How could Santa Claus be real?” and I was like “Well…the Easter Bunny is real though, right?” and she was like “YOU’RE SO DUMB! HAHAHAHA!”. The knife was twisted. But you know what the worst part about it was? I believed her (because frankly, she was my older sister and she could get me to wear dresses if she wanted to) and I felt guilty about knowing and like I would be letting my parents down if they knew I knew they were faking it. Think about how absurd thatis. So I pretended up until like 5th or 6th grade that I thought Santa was real. Every holiday it felt like I was living a lie. Fucking terrible.
2. Watching “The Good Son”- Remember “The Good Son” with Macaulay Culkin? I remember being so excited when it came out. I was obsessed with kids being important or something at that time in my life (I’m not sure where this idea of ‘nobody respects kids’ came from…maybe it was because I watched too much Nick News W-5 with Linda Ellerbee and somehow that gave me the impression that a)everyone thought kids were stupid and should be dead and/or b)made me depressed at an early age) and I remember Macaulay Culkin was finally taking a serious role to prove that kids COULD in fact be important to society. That movie dealt with real issues, issues all kids face. Like smoking and how to drown your baby brother. I remember watching that and not only feeling like the world was a terrible place, but also feeling like kids all were stupid and probably should be dead. Thanks for ruining my life Macaulay! But in all seriousness, every kid has a movie they see at an early age that makes them regret ever enjoying cinema. For some kids it was “Bambi”. For some it was “My Girl”. I can’t wait until some 10 year olds see “Hounddog” and wonder why the World would be so cruel to Dakota Fanning. Major punch in the stomach.
3. Watching An A & E Documentary About Inner City Life- I recall watching something about young kids and gangs and drug dealing in Baltimore and Detroit. I was probably 8 at the time. The kids int he documentary all had their faces blurred out, but they were like 9-14 and all carried guns and talked about all the people they killed and drugs they sold. That was pretty much when I decided that the world was a horrible place for sure. I tried to rationalize that “The Good Son” was just a bad movie and incredibly unrealistic (who raises kids at a house near a giant cliff???). But this documentary made me long for the days where I was worried someone in my 3rd grade class might be a closet serial killer.
4. Moving From one State To Another- This one is something that isn’t always controllable, but really makes your kid wonder if you are just being as difficult as possible because you hate them or because you are a self-centered jerk.
5. Getting a Divorce – The easy but still effective punch in the stomach for any kid. Next time use birth control! ZING! (I joke…all though, I’m sure fewer divorces would result in fewer Psychology majors…)

It seems shitty that the season already started and I didn’t get to do my big NBA preview. So now that I’ve seen most teams play a game (or 2) I have an unprecedented edge in all of my predictions. Here we go:

The New York Knicks will NOT be the worst team in the NBA. In fact, because Mike D’Antoni will do everything in his power to NOT be horrible, I predict they win 33 games this season. Yes. 33 wins. They will be sneaky some nights. They won’t use Marbury all that much. It will be a fun group. Sort of. They might even be fiesty enough to try to slide into the Playoffs (they are probably 1-3 years away from being a playoff team). The New York Knicks will be 33-49.

The Cleveland Cavs will be pretty damn good with Mo Williams (lack of a bench notwithstanding). I expect they will have a 54-28 season.

The Toronto Raptors will be sort of like the Detroit Tigers were this season. Except, they didn’t ALSO get a young all star along with a washed up Dontrelle Willis. Jermaine O’Neal will be OK, but he won’t be the savior. 45-37.

The Detroit Pistons will finish 54-28.

The Celtics will finish 60-22.

The Wizards will finish 41-41.

The 76ers will finish 47-35.

The Magic will finish 52-30.

The Miami Heat will be a lot better this season. I love the Dwayne Wade ad campaign already. He should be incredible this season. Like that time he was essentially the ghost of Michael Jordan against the Mavericks in the NBA Finals for a couple of games. Michael Beasley won’t hurt either. I know the supporting cast is grim and Shawn Marion might have been the most overrated player of the last half decade…but maybe not. 44-38

The Lakers will win 69 games this season. Yes, that is absurd. I agree. But they are going to angry, big, and bitter. Expect blood on the court.

I like the Grizzlies to win 33 games in the West. They will sort of be like the Knicks of the West, but with more upside (youth and not as much wasted cash on the books).

The Trailblazers should (could) have won 50 games this season. With Old Man Oden out a month I will drop them down to 44 wins.

The worst teams by far will be the New Jersey Nets, Oklahoma City Thunder, Golden State Warriors and Milwaukee Bucks. I don’t think there will be as many pitiful teams this seaosn as there were last year…

The Chicago Bulls could be a surprise playoff team. They were everyone’s sleeper pick for 2007-08 for some reason…But it would make sense for them to be good this year in the same way it sort of made sense for the Devil Rays to be good overnight. When you get one of the highest draft picks year after year after year it only makes sense that you should eventually have a stockpile of good young players and/or trade bait galore. Even if their success does happen seemingly overnight.

The Spurs will finish 51-31.

The Hornets will finish 58-24.

The Clippers will finish a fun 39-43.

The Mavericks will finish 53-29.

The Suns will finish 46-36. I know this might seem low. But they are old. And not the same team anymore. At all.

The Nuggets will finish 31-51 and without either Allen Iverson or  Carmello Anthony or both.

Playoff predictions later in the season.

And now, a segment we call “Bet On it” where York Robrts gives readers 13 things to bet on this week because all of the readers of Chair are compulsive gamblers, simply arrived here looking for porn or both.

• The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North. For no good reason. Bet $1000 on it.
• Mickey Rourke will win the Oscar for Best Actor for “The Wrestler”. Bet $100 on it.
• Zac Efron will be this generation’s Michael J. Fox, somehow. Bet $13 on it.
• Marques Colston will finish the NFL regular season with 38 catches. On the dot. Bet $25 on it.
• Braylon Edwards doesn’t actually drink 5 Hour Energy. Bet $17 on it.
• Rickey Henderson will be a first ballot Hall Of Famer. Bet $50,000 on it.
• John Rocker will one day visit Cooperstown. Bet $9 on it.
• “Life On Mars” will last 39 episodes or less. Bet $270 on it.
• Pogs will be cool again by 2039. Bet $7 on it.
• Penn State will win the BCS National Championship. Bet $312 on it.
• Leon Powe will make the NBA All Star Team. Bet $1.73 on it.
• Derrick Rose will win rookie of the year. Bet $42 on it.

Matt Millen FIRED.

Your prayers have been answered Gerard!!!

The Lions can only get better from here…right?

Let me be the first to say:

HIRE ISIAH! HIRE ISIAH!

Marc Bulger Benched For Trent Green.

I honestly can’t think of another 2 quarterbacks whose careers hit the respective shitters faster than Trent Green and Marc Bulger.

It seems almost fitting that Green will be starting over Bulger in week 4.

Marc Bulger, as recently as 2006, was one of the brightest stars at QB in the NFL. When healthy he has been one of the most consistent quarterbacks around through his 7 year career. Bulger has gone to two Pro Bowls. He is a plus 32 TD to INT ratio in his career (remember, Jon Kitna was a +1?). The guy thre for 3,700+ yards 3 times in his career.

Bulger is hardly yesterday’s news.

Trent Green? Even more storied statistics than Bulger. Green threw for 4,000+ yards 3 years straight (2003-2005), has a +54 TD to INT ratio in his career and seemed to be the type of quarterback every shitty team would love to have, every OK team would take over their quarterback and every good team would specifically not want to go up against.

The fact that they are both on the Rams this season came as a surprise to me. I thought Trent Green made the right choice and decided to retire after 2007. I guess I was wrong.

You see, in spite of all of the success both guys have had (and they both HAVE had success, even if not always on great teams), they have also both been victims of horrific offensive lines and brutal injury plagued careers.

Trent Green was KO’ed with a concussion in 2006, week 1 (I had him in my Fantasy League that year…it sucked) and KO’ed again in 2007 in week 5 (I drafted him as a backup, again, expecting to get the old pre-concussion Trent Green out of him and never expecting the same injury two years in a row).

In all honesty, Trent Green probably should have retired after two horrific concussions.

And to make matters worse, he will be playing on Sunday, yet again, with a team with a horrible offensive line that has already allowed Marc Bulger to be sacked 11 times in 2008.

If we want to discuss why the Rams offense blows this season (and last), I can point to 5 key reasons.

The Rams probably have one of the oldest, worn out and beaten offensive front 5 in the NFL. This is a team that went from having a great crew of guys to being horrible overnight (2206 to 2007). Look at how it has affected Steven Jackson’s numbers. You have to believe that Jackson is still a premier running back (he can run, break tackles and catch!) suffering through things with no blocking.

And in football, unlike baseball or basketball, injuries have direct correlations (or can).

Last year’s Rams offensive line was missing 2 starters most of the season. Bulger took a beating, got sacked 37 times and was hurt all year with various ailments. Steven Jackson was also hurt all year on and off.

Don’t expect much of a change in 2008.

It isn’t like Marc Bulger is just throwing every pass into 4 man coverage this season. He’s thrown 2 TDs and 2 INTs, passed for 519 yards and generally made the most of his shitty situation.

I don’t think Trent Green is going to magically make the offensive line better at stopping the pass rush.

Unfortunately, I would kill to have either Trent Green or Marc Bulger Patriots this season. And all though they wouldn’t make the O-line in New England better either, with all of the weapons available in New England, I’m pretty sure they’d manage to hit the open man, not waste timeouts and not force Josh McDaniels to call horrible plays, rush on every first and second down and look like a high school football team.

Either way, they still have more hope than the Lions.

Bill Ford Would Fire Matt Millen. Most Of Detroit Would Use Firearms On Matt Millen.

I don’t know too much about being an NFL executive. I’m not sure I would be great at evaluating talent or making important financial decisions that should both make the team I work for money as well as make them successful.

I am not 100% sold on myself as the executive for an NFL team.

But I still think I would be an improvement over Matt Millen.

Hell, Isiah Thomas might be an improvement over Matt Millen for the Lions (and he doesn’t have a job right now! Just think about Lions fans! A Detroit hero comes home! The Prodigal Son Returns!!!).

I don’t know how a team that has had a top 15 draft pick every year for the last decade (just about) has been at a complete standstill all this time.  It defies all sorts of odds. The only franchise in sports that seems as completely incompetent (long term) is the Pittsburgh Pirates. And even the Pirates have a bright spot here or there (Jason Bay, Nate McLouth, Xavier Nady, they play in a nice stadium…) granted they always immediately trade away these bright spots for pennies on the dollar…but still.

When I saw Bill Ford’s press conference on SportsCenter this morning, I expected him to be wearing a monocle and smoking a cigar and walking with a cane and talking about how hybrid cars and alternative energy cars are just a small market fad that will wither and die. I’m sure if a Vanderbilt or Rockefeller chimes in, Millen will have no choice other than to step down.

You know what is really sad?

The Oakland Raiders, a team that has been secretly coached by a dead guy for the last however many years, have been to a Superbowl this decade! They may make horrific decisions and draft poorly, but even they have had a certain level of success recently. Plus they have an up and coming quarterback who has the potential to be a decent starter, an amazing young running back and all the hope in the world to improve if they keep drafting high…

The Lions?

I feel like if Millen had the top 10 choices in the 2008 draft, he somehow would have found a way to trade all 10 of them to the 49ers in exchange for Bryant Johnson and the rights to Garrison Hearst.

Seriously, the Lions are only a phone call away from hiring Isiah Thomas as a business consultant.

Week 1. The Falcons Beat The Lions. The Panthers Beat The Chargers. The Bears Beat The Colts. The Ravens Beat The Bengals. The Bills Beat the Seahawks.

The best thing about the NFL that is completely different than the NBA or MLB is that season to season you really never know what you’re going to see. Teams add new players and expect to be great. Other teams lose players and figure to be horrible. Training camp happens. You hear reports. The Pre-season starts and ends and no matter how good anything looks on paper or how well a team did during all of the above, the day week 1 begins anything can happen.

The Falcons? A giant pile of suck last season. In the shadow of Michael Vick they were a floundering franchise.

Then they almosthad Bill Parcells working to rebuild them. But he went to the Dolphins. It looked like another lost season. There was nothing I heard about in training camp or during the pre-season or in the acquisitions they made that made me think they would win more than 4-6 games in 2008.

And yes, they still might only win 4-6 games.

But Matt Ryan? He was a game manager.

Michael Turner? He was ridiculous.

Jerious Norwood? Finally earned the nickname “Serious Jerious”.

In all honesty, a lot of the hype today is about Turner’s outstanding 22 carries for 220 yards and 2 TDs (yes, he averaged 10 yards per carry). I figured Turner would be pretty solid in Atlanta. I thought he might rush for 1,000 to 1,300 yards and have 8 to 10 TDs. But I also figured that Atlanta really does not have a great offensive line and that the offense might be really one dimensional with a rookie QB.

But even if you play the “Michael Turner is apparently Barry Sanders son” card, how the hell do you explain Jerious Norwood’s 14 carries for 93 yards and 1 TD?

Luck?

The Lions defense being pathetic?

Or do the Falcons just really want not to be ‘the team that Michael Vick left behind’?

It should be interesting to see how this develops. If Matt Ryan continues to not chuck it up into coverage (which he did not do yesterday), they might be a decent offense. Maybe.

Are the Falcons actually that good? Are the Lions really that bad?

Seeing the Seahawks get clobbered wasn’t much of a pleasure, for a few reasons:

1. I still feel for the city that lost the Sonics. The Oklahoma City Thunder? Really?!?! What a joke. Clay Bennett is a scumbag.
2. I named my fantasy football team “The Seattle Admirals” to honor the suffering of sports fans in the great Northwest.
3. I have nothing against the Seahawks really (except that I hate the Steelers and they didn’t beat the Steelers in the Superbowl…but that was mostly refs).

But…The Seahawks? That team looks to be dead in the water to me.

I really do think their offense is questionable at best and their defense is overrated. Good, but overrated.

Seeing Chris Berman say “You’re with me Seahawks” and predicting them to win the Superbowl…well…That was a stupid stupid stupid prediction. I mean, I appreciate that Berman didn’t just say ”Colts” and move on like so many “analysts” do. But what changes did the Seahawks make from 2007 to 2008 that would make you think they are somehow immensely better than last season? I think they will probably be a playoff team (probably) but the way the Bills manhandled them yesterday? Embarrassing.

Trent Edwards was efficient, found holes and took what he was given. Marshawn Lynch was as good as he was in 2007. The defense looked really really solid. If you are a Buffalo Bills fan, there is a lot to look forward to with this group.

Hell, the Jets did not exactly look impenetrable yesterday either and seeing that Tom Brady is out of commission, this season is a very good opportunity for the Bills to win the AFC East. They were the best team playing at a learning curve last season. And it was clear that they looked the best (against by far the best opponent) yesterday of the AFC East Teams.

The Panthers out-toughed the Chargers.

The Bears out-offensed the Colts.

The Bengals look like the only team in the NFL that legitimately might lose all 16 games, all hate each other and be pathetically bad for an entire season. My pre-kickoff suspicions were confirmed yesterday by Carson Palmer’s 99 passing yards and Chris Perry’s 37 rushing yards.

Joe Flacco looked good as well.

It was a strange day.

Granted it was week 1 and everyone is still rusty and figuring out their role for about the first 5 weeks of any NFL season.

But if these trends continue….

Rudi Johnson Signs With The Lions. Tatum Bell Is Unemployed. The Bengals Will win 3 games.

Rudi Johnson was released by the Bengals over the weekend.

I would have wrote about how strange a decision that was had I not spent the entire weekend sleeping on the beach, drinking frozen lemonade and watching No Reservationson the Travel Channel (while at home). I love that Anthony Bourdain.

Instead I talked to several friends about how weird it all seemed.

Wouldn’t some team give the Bengals like a 6th or 7th round pick for Rudi Johnson, at the very least?

Wouldn’t it be worth it for the Bengals to try to get something in return for him?

Take a look at Johnson’s career statistics. The guy was basically a machine in 2004-2006. Each year he had 1300-1460 yards rushing and 12 rushing TDs. 15 to 23 catches. 340ish carries.

Last year Johnson was hurt and not so great. But let’s put something into perspective, the Bengals weren’t exactly providing ANYONE with a world class offensive line or blocking last season. Johnson also only had 170 carries last season. That is half as many carries as his previous seasons. Had he had 340ish carries last season, even in spite of a down year, he still would have broken 1,000 yards rushing and had at least 6 TDs.

And this is someone you just throw away?

Oh…right. The Chris Perry era has begun. That guy has proven himself. Yeah.

Rudi Johnson is now on the Lions where Kevin Smith will probably be the starter. The thing is, Johnson should sure as hell have a chip on his shoulder. And I would not be surprised at all if he ends up carrying the Lions running game.

The Bengals are the laughing stock of the NFL. They have let almost their entire team walk away. The Patriots just snagged Deltha O’Neal to replace Fernando Bryant (who just simply didn’t work out).

Wait until Chad Ocho Cinco (legally), Carson Palmer and TJ Houshmanzadeh walk. Just wait.

Horrible management meets low expectations.

There is no way the Bengals win more than 3 games. Shit, I wouldn’t blame Palmer or Housh for faking serious injuries and just not playing.

People of Cincinnati, rejoice in the knowledge that at least you have the Reds…oh wait…uhh…You have good chili?

2008 NFL Preview: AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers

There are just some teams you hate.

I hate the Steelers.

The funny thing is, unlike the Cowboys where I never liked Michael Irvin and despised Deion Sanders, I don’t even dislike any of the players on the Steelers. I mean, I guess I dislike Troy Polamalu and his stupid hair. But most of that might just be because I wish he was on the Patriots…

Nope. It was Steelers fans that made me hate the Steelers. Steelers fans that were inexplicably in Rhode Island when I was growing up.

Let me break this down really quick:

When I was a kid almost everyone was a Cowboys “fan” or a 49ers “fan” because those teams were in vogue back then. Kids on a bandwagon, probably because their fathers were bandwagon jumping losers as well. No big deal.

The worst were the Steelers”fans”. These were kids whose fathers were bandwagon jumpers in the 70’s and were too lazy to even jump to another bandwagon after Terry Bradshaw hung it up. In central Rhode Island, we had no geographic proximity to Pittsburgh. Like, I accepted a few New York fans due to the fact that a lot of people’s families were from New York, makes sense at least.

But Pittsburgh?

It’s not like there were 14 families in my elementary school that were Pittsburgh transplants. No. Those people were just lazy assholes with shitty kids.

These were the same clowns who went Tommy Maddox crazy when I was in college.

Anyway, The Steelers have Roethlisberger who is consistent and a solid QB.

They have Hines Ward (who has lost a step but is still good) and Santonio Holmes (who looks like a superstar receiver in the making to me).

Willie Parker is one of the top 10 half backs in the NFL, and the Steelers also drafted Rashard Mendenhall this off season.

And you know what else?

I LIKE Mike Tomlin.  He had some pretty gigantic shoes to fill last season and I think he did a decent job with what he had.

The defensive line doesn’t look all that intimidating. That is one place I feel the Steelers could have made an upgrade or two in the off season, but the Linebackers make up for it as Larry Foote, James Harrison and James Farrior are all great at what they do.

The secondary is still the same. Tough. One of the better groups in the NFL.

The trouble is, in spite of being in a shitty division (Browns aside, they are), The Steelers have one hell of a schedule this season. They have 9 games that could go either way.

They were 10-6 last year. Aside from Polamalu being healthy all season (maybe) and a new rookie running back with an undetermined role at this point, this is largely the same team as in 2007.

My definitive prediction is a 10-6 record for the Steelers in 2008.

Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens have a really good defense still.

A really really good defense.

Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs, Samari Rolle. A really great defensive core.

That’s about it.

They are kind of like the east coast Bears at Quarterback right now with Kyle Boller, Troy Smith and Joe Flacco all in the mix.

On the plus side for them, they have much better receivers with Derick Mason, Mark Clayton and the young but promising Demetrius Williams.

Their running game is also solid as Willis McGahee delivers each season (except for those times when he is hurt) and the Ravens added Ray Rice from Rutgers to relieve McGahee.

The issues they will have though, will be similar to the issues the Bears have. Offensive production not holding up its end of the bargain and putting a ton of pressure on a great defense. This would be all right if they had a really easy schedule.

Unfortunately, the Ravens will play 10 games they could easily lose. They also have the distinct honor of playing in Pittsburgh, Indy, Dallas and New York (Giants) this season. Yikes.

Last season the Ravens also had the honor of nearly beating the Patriots (I wish they would have in retrospect, as the Patriots would almost certainly not have lost the Superbowl) but then being defeated in overtime by the then win-less Miami Dolphins.

They were 5-11 last season.

My definitive prediction is a 6-10 record for the Ravens in 2008.

Cincinnati Bengals

Is Carson Palmer depressed?

Do you ever feel like he thinks to himself “I’m better than this. This whole organization is a joke. I feel like I’m on the early 2000’s Portland Trailblazers. Bunch of assholes!”

Chad Johnson is now hurt more than anyone thought. It is a partially torn labrum. He might be out for half the season. Who knows.

Palmer still has Houshmandzadeh to throw to. The trouble is, beyond Housh, the Bengals have Chris Henry and Antonio Chatman. That doesn’t sound like a major issue for pass coverage to me…

They also have the distinct honor of having already sustained several injuries during preseason. Rudi Johnson is ALREADY hurt. That’s not good. Kenny Watson and Chris Perry don’t seem like a one-two punch that will knock anyone out running the ball. Though Watson was good last season, he is 30 and has never started for a full season. I have to question his durability.

I’m not sold on the Bengals have the amount of weapons they will need offensively to put up points consistently. Even in spite of Carson Palmer, if a team starts the season playing backups at running back and wide receivers, it isn’t going to be easy for everyone to be on the same page even if/when the starters return.

In other words, their offense is in sort of a tough spot right now.

The Bengals defense, on the other hand, the defense that was embarrassingly bad for most of last season (allowing 30+ points 5 times, allowing 50+ points once) made only two real additions, Brandon Johnson at linebacker and Antwan Odom on the defensive line.

These are not flashy additions, but maybe the Bengals felt they just needed some new blood. Who knows.

Either way, I don’t see the defense being worse than last season. To their credit, they do still have a lot of developing players learning on the job on the defensive side of the ball.

But I think this will be another building year for the Bengals.

Or maybe they will just have to blow it up in 2009.

The prediction below is mostly because I think that in addition to having injuries and adversity to deal with before the season even starts, this team is doomed. Awful coaching. No chemistry. Star players that don’t want to be there. Great teams band together to overcome those types of things. This is not a great team.

On the other hand, if they do finish with a winning record in 2008, it will be BECAUSE they found a way to band together in spite of insurmountable odds. But I don’t think that will happen. Not with this collection of guys.

My definitive prediction is a 5-11 record for the Bengals in 2008.

Cleveland Browns

I wish Derek Anderson wasn’t concussed.

Anderson was great last season.

Not like Jon Kitna “great” either. He threw 29 TDs and 19 INTs. Almost 4,000 yards passing.

This season Romeo got him Donte Stallworth (a legitimate #2 wide receiver to throw to) and added another fast set of hands to Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow. I love those three guys catching passes and last year Anderson proved he was the guy who should be throwing them.

Brady Quinn Brady Shimim.

At Half Back, the Browns had Jamal Lewis with a chip on his shoulder last season. If Lewis is motivated this year, they should have an even stronger offense than in 2007 (they were surprisingly solid).

The Browns feature a secondary that is young and fast. Sean Jones will be a superstar this season. Eric Wright, Brodney Pool and Brandon McDonald will continue to develop.

The Linebackers are also young and fast. Willie McGinist must be the oldest person on the team, but I’m sure he’ll get subbed out a lot for Leon Williams. If Kamerion Wimbley takes another step up this season, he could be a Pro Bowler. D’Qwell Jacksonis also a young and fantastic linebacker.

The Browns also made the very wise decision to improve their defensive line in the off-season. They acquired Corey Williams from Green Bay and Shaun Rogers from the Lions. Rogers is a solid pass rusher and should serve nicely as Nose Tackle plugging up holes.

The Browns took care of their needs this off-season. It should pay dividends on the field.

I really don’t think 2007 was a fluke. This is a team on the rise. And I think they will upset the Cowboys in week 1.

My definitive prediction is an 11-5 record for the Browns in 2008.