Novice Fantasy Football: Semaine Dix

 

by. Enigma

enigma is back. week 9? fuhgettaboutit!

Steven Jackson, (pretty much my entire team) well he’s still not playing. Amazingly, DeAngelo WIlliams is pretty hott so he’s making up for it, i guess. But just know, Steven, that no one can replace you and i can’t wait for you to come back.

Also, as per usual, every week that i DON’T play LenDale White he does fucking awesome and whenever i DO play him he does… well, just alright. I miss you, Willis McGahee.

Anyway… trade deadline is coming up. I have nothing to offer, so i’m sticking to what i got, it looks like. Somehow, miraculously, i’m still winning pretty clutch weeks. It’s crazy.

My boy Matt Jones still hasn’t ben suspending for blowing coke, but (just my luck) got injured on Sunday and left in the 3rd quarter. Great. And speaking of Wide Receivers…. what happened to Randy Moss making huge plays? STOP DROPPING THE BALL YOU ASSHOLE.

Thank God Almighty i have Chric Cooley and T.J. Houshmandzadeh back. Fuck Bye Weeks. We’re down to the home stretch to the playoffs. My heart is in it. 100%. I’m actually truly sad that fantasy football is almost over. I mean, i’m already thinking about next year. If only football went all year. If only….

For now, i’ll bask in the glory of my waiver wire pickups this week, namely Michael Jenkins for being a truly decent snag (and yes, fuck Roddy White).

And i’m not going to gloat too much this week (because, truly, i’m lucky that my opponent didn’t play Maurice Jones-Drew) but you bet Jacksonville’s Defense has been awesome for me lately. And i’m a little bit in love with that team.

Fin.

Novice Fantasy Football: Week 8, Oh Boy!

by. Enigma

Yes, it’s me, Enigma. And i am proud to say that i survived week 8.

That’s right… i survived even without my boy, Steven Jackson.

I was very fortunate this week, i will admit. I was fortunate that DeAngelo Williams had a pretty fantastic game. LenDale White had a pretty awesome game last night, too, but i had already won at that point.

I must say, though, that i am quite pleased with LenDale White as of late. I’m glad he’s back playing good fucking football again. I’m very glad i hung on to him (which is more than i can say for Willis McGahee, whom i dropped, like, week 4 and whom was picked up by… yes you guessed it… York Fucking Roberts).

I was a little distraught, however, that i didn’t play Matt Jones this week.

I guess i didn’t do enough research, because i thought his suspension was in effect. In case you didn’t hear, like me, it wasn’t yet. And he had a super awesome game. Not that it mattered, but now i am pretty sure that he will be sitting the next 3 weeks. And that really hurts considering the Jaguars will be playing Atlanta AND Detroit.  But who knows, maybe his appeals will go through and he’ll get to keep playing. I hope. I pray. Either way, i am definitely hanging on to him.

Speaking of the Jacksonville Jaguars, i picked them up for my defense this week, after consulting a smorgasboard of internet FF resources. However, they only got me 1 point. And once again, the projections for week 9 are in and Jacksonville is heavily favored (in the top 8 across the board) to be successful against the Cincinnati Bengals. But i also have the Bills’ defense. Thus my dilemma is which to play this week.

Finally, my lovely, handsome, totally fucking fantastic quarterback, Phillip Rivers, is on BYE this week. Leaving me with the quest of which QB to pick up off the waiver wire.

I grabbed Matt Cassel, but soon ditched him for JaMarcus Russell. But now it seems like everyone is looking at Marc Bulger (my backup QB during the draft) to be, much like last week, a super-sleeper pick this weekend. So, do i stick with Russell or grab Bulger?

Moreover, if my homeboy Steven Jackson is back this week (which i pray to God he is) then Bulger might not have to throw very much (seeing as how Steven Jackson is godlike in everything he does).

Decisions, decisions…

Fingers crossed, my friends…

Noice Fantasy Football: Week 6, a heartbreaker

by. Enigma

enigma once again. miss me?

so it’s sunday night and i have 101 points. my opponent, Mr. Casey Marx, has 94. you’d think that was it right? wrong. because we both had Monday night’s Giants/Browns game to look forward to and we’ve each only got one player to go:

my final WR for the week… Amani Toomer.

Casey’s final WR for the week… Plaxico Burress.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re absolutely right… i was just hoping for a god damn miracle. but that miracle never came. and Plaxico had a truly solid game. oh, and Toomer? didn’t catch a single ball. just my luck.

But week 6 was a momentous one for me. Primarily because it was the week that i decided that i hate the Carolina Panthers.

I mean, sure that’s kind of unfair, i guess. All teams have shitty weeks here and there. But their defense didn’t get a single point. And that just pissed me off. And because of their crappy game, John Kasay kicked i believe one field goal; a measly 3 points. I also am trying to get rid of Carolina’s TE, Dante Rosario, because he sucks, too. But he’s just my backup TE and i don’t have to worry about replacing him until week 9 when Cooley goes on bye.

I also must say that Matt Jones did pretty good this weekend. Might be all that awesome blow. I say blow away, Matty… as long as you keep catching them balls. I’m looking at you to be my replacement for Toomer, so, you know, use this bye-week to get even awesomer.

I’d really appreciate it.

Novice Fantasy Football: [Flavor of the] Weak 5

by. Enigma

Well hello again. That’s right, it’s me Enigma.

Week 5 was a hell of a week, I must say.

As I periodically tuned in to the games this Sunday, my nerves were exhausted and frustrated. I ended up winning this week by nearly 80 points. Which was awesome, needless to say. But I must admit I was somewhat… well… livid!

Why, you ask? Because, despite all the research that I did on the Internet all week and my careful and (I thought) well-planned choices, I still for some reason unfortunately decided to listen to my “advisors”, York Roberts and Officer Crowley, at Popeye’s Chicken by Fenway Park.

Sure, they gave me some relatively good advice. They reassured me on at least my frame of mind, at the very least. But (and here’s where I wish I hadn’t even asked or brought this up) they both told me, pretty much, not to even think about playing DeAngelo Williams of the Carolina Panthers. And he had the biggest fucking career day EVER this weekend!

I was especially frustrated with football as a whole this Sunday because, aside from practically crucifying myself for not playing Williams, my only decent RB, Steven Jackson, was on bye. So I ended up playing LenDale White (who got me one fucking point… thanks a lot, LenDale) and Tim Hightower (who thankfully had a pretty good game).

Moreover, I was led to believe that Amani Toomer was going to totally pwn this weekend with Plaxico Burress out and all. But he didn’t even get that much attention from Manning! I mean, he didn’t do terrible, but, you know, i guess i was expecting a lot more.

All in all, this week I learned that, for the most part, you can’t listen to fucking ANYBODY but your own gut instincts. Because when it comes down to it, no one ever knows what the fuck is going to happen.

So, again I push onwards; not discouraged nor optimistic, but rather just humble and determined.

(Editor’s Note: OfficerCrowley suggested Enigma bench Randy Moss in favor of Matt Jones in week 5. Citing the ‘amazing’ San Francisco defense. OfficerCrowley is a moron. I steered you right in that regard, didn’t I Enigs?)

Joan Holloway, Travis Henry, Al Davis, Vince Young. Tampering. Drugs. Sex. Robots. 1960.

Sorry I didn’t get around to writing about the Twins/White Sox game or how insane Al Davis is.

One thing we can all agree on is that this blog (and all blogs) needs more pictures of Joan Holloway.

So there. That is squared away…

Thanks Enigma…for starting a fine tradition.

The ESPN headline read “Henry arrested after alleged coke deal” The only Henry I could think of was Chris Henry. It truly would have been one of the greatest things to ever happen to the Bengals.

Alas, it was Travis “I have 9 kids from 9 different ladies” Henry. Member of the Shawn Kemp Hall Of Fame. Travis Henry loves bangin’, but he hates contraceptives.

You might remember Henry from his poor showing in Denver in 2007 (after a lot of hype) and multiple instances of being in trouble with Roger Goodell.

Henry wasn’t playing anywhere this season. Something tells me we might not be seeing him on the field for a while…

Vince Young might want to play again. Now that Kerry Collins has led the Titans to a 4-0 record they need someone who is a complete liability to come in and screw things up.

Vince Young kind of sucks. No wait, he kind of really sucks. And from all the reports, it sounds like he isn’t much of a leader or a gamer. The way his teammates talk about ti, they make it sound like they have to console him after every INT.

I don’t like it one bit.

That old piece of shit skeleton moron Al Davis made himself look like what he is: an idiot. That guy is an embarrassment to the NFL.

He also accused the Patriots of tampering to get Randy Moss.

Uhh…Here’s a question, if the Patriots were tampering to get him, why wouldn’t the Raiders just file a report with the NFL and NOT trade him to the Patriots?

It wasn’t like Moss was going to be a free agent and the Patriots had a chance to sign him away and they twisted his arm into leaving.

 Nope.

The Raiders TRADED Moss to the Patriots and clearly Al Davis just has sour grapes that his team is the laughing stock of the NFL and that they paid Moss a ton of money and he did nothing with Oakland but then looked like Jerry Rice in New England Last season.

Novice Fantasy Football: Week 4 (a learning experience)

by Enigma

Hello friends, it’s Enigma again. But not the same fun-loving Enigma you have come to love and embrace into your hearts. No, this Enigma is wiser. This Enigma is all business.

No, not really. I’m kidding (sort of). But i did learn a very very important lesson this week: do not trust the advice that Yahoo! Sports gives you regarding your team. That was a truly novice move, and something that the rest of my league seems to already hold true.

This week I could have taken out a giant, Mr. John “Strike Anywhere” Falkowski, our undefeated league leader.

He beat me by 8 points.

A mere 8 points!

And if only I didn’t listen to Yahoo! Sports and play Saints RB Pierre thomas (who didn’t get a single point).

However, Yahoo! did tell me to pick up Rian Lindell, the Bills kicker, and he ended up getting more points this week than my quarterback and 2 of my Wide Receivers. 

I JUST DON’T KNOW WHO TO TRUST ANYMORE!!

This week I also learned the glorious, christmas-morning, crystal meth-esque adrenaline rush of totally raping the waiver wire. It’s so much fun!

Replacing my backups and finding new, better kickers and team defenses is fucking awesome. But, as I said, this week was a learning experience… and i learned that, while it’s addictive to sift through all the free agents like a thrift store sidewalk sale or the free sample tables at BJ’s Wholesale Club, it must be done in moderation.

And sure, I’m a little disgruntled about trading Laveranues Coles to York Roberts this week, considering he got him like 40 fantasy points. But I’m getting over it. The important thing is that I’ve learned a lot in week 4, and I’m going to take what knowledge i’ve acrued and use it towards the many weeks to come.

For now, a humble Enigma crosses his fingers and trudges on.

Novice’s Fantasy Football: Semaine Trois

Hey, it’s your ol’ pal Enigma! And guess what? Victory was mine this week! Again!

And, you know what? I just can’t decide which was better: having my faith rewarded by keeping Housh-dawg as a starter OR beating the one and only York Roberts this week! Moreover, as if the succulent victory over York wasn’t deliciously juicy enough, he got FIVE votes to beat me this week by our league and not a single person voted for me.

Okay, I’m done gloating. But seriously, as I stated last week, I stubbornly refused to put Houshmandzadeh on my bench even though he wasn’t doing that great. But boy am I glad I left him in. Now if only he can keep this up. Don’t make me regret praising your superior receiving skills, TJ.

Oh, and I guess picking up and playing Amani Toomer was a pretty good call afterall. I mean, he at least met his projected points. So, I found myself asking, maybe I’m learning?

Maybe I’m evolving, even just a tiny bit, in the realm of Fantasy Football?

We’ll just have to wait and see. It’s a long season. But Enigma’s in it for the long run, you can count on that.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Enigma not only beat me this week, he destroyed me. I got a total 0f 60 points. 20 of which came from Jay Cutler. I got a total of 6 points combined from Willie Parker and Thomas Jones and had Ronnie Brown on my bench, of course, like 74% of the rest of the people that drafted him.. I started Randy Moss over Wes Welker, figuring he was due…and also started Braylon Edwards using the same logic…Horror show).

Novice’s Fantasy Football: Week 2

Enigma here.

This week was totally shocking.

I was legit expecting to be annihilated by York Roberts’ girlfriend. even one of our fellow peers and FF opponents, Phil “Muscles” Gadrow, told me that I was going down. but i made him, and everyone else, eat their words…mostly just him, though.

I owe my win this week to the San Diego Chargers. it all came down to Phillip Rivers throwing mad balls to Chris Chambers. that ruled. however, what’s really bugging me these days in T.J. Houshmandzadeh.

I picked T.J. (or “Housh-dawg”/”T.J. Enchilada”, as i prefer to call him) because I was truly upset about losing him last year in a trade.

But that dude is not putting up the numbers that I thought he would. and yet, for some reason, i’m so stubbornly confident that he will start being awesome that I cannot bring myself to take him out and replace him with someone who’s doing better so far. However, that predicament might be because all my benched WR’s aren’t really putting up the numbers that i thought they would either (Laveranues Coles, I’m looking at you!).

So, consequently, despite my awesome win this week, I’m trying to stay on the ball and improve my team as much as I can. I just proposed a trade (my first, totally novice, trade) to Danny Dildo not a moment ago: Bo Scaife (TEN-TE) and Marc Bulger (SOB) for Andre Johnson. let’s face it, i need to step it up in terms of WR’s. and Dildo told me tonight (in passing, sort of) that he needed a good backup TE. So let’s see what happens.

Also, might I request some advice from York Roberts’ readers?

I noticed earlier this week that someone dropped Amani Toomer (NYG – WR) into the waivers and I grabbed that bitch. I grabbed him like Rose grabbed Jack at the end of “Titanic” (even though she DID let go eventually.. and he sank into the abyss; by the way, is it just me or is “Titanic” almost kind of/sort of a prequel to “The Abyss”? I dunno, just throwing it out there..).

But, seriously, since Fantasy Football gives me a reason to watch football on sundays (and to not do homework), I was watching this weekend and, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Toomer do, like, super good this weekend? or was i dreaming? possibly about tumors and not Amani Toomer? I have no idea.

Hooray for enigma this week! every so often i live up to my name, and it’s a good feeling…

by. Enigma

Novice’s Fantasy Football: Week 1

Enigma again.

Week 1 was fucking embarrassing. And honestly, I don’t know what went wrong. But I currently am ranked last in our league. I mean, sure it’s only the first week… not that big of a deal. But i really need to get my shit together for Week 2.

Firstly, I had no idea that Willis McGahee wasn’t going to play! Also, T.J. Houshmandzadeh (my first WR pick in the draft) fell super short of Yahoo’s projected points for week 1. And Chris Cooley (which my FF magazine ranked like the #3 TE or something) got me ONE fucking point. I’m really frustrated.. there’s no other way to put it. I feel like I have a shitty team.

The one thing I am thankful for is Phillip Rivers being a pretty damn good choice (so far; KNOCK ON WOOD) for a QB. He’s at least better than my QB last season, Drew Brees (I ended up starting Jay Cutler for half the season until someone traded me Ben Roethlisberger).

Anyway, I’m pissed.

This week I am trying to mix things up. See if there’s any glimmer of hope on [what i thought was] my bench.

I’m playing LenDale White in place of McGahee and i threw Mark Clayton in to take Laveranues Coles’ place since I noticed today that he is marked as ‘Questionable’.

I’m not feeling very optimistic so far this season. But it’s only week 2 so maybe things will pick up. Or maybe it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

Je suis un n00b.