Phillies Win The World Series. Greg Oden Needs A Hug. Halloween (Part II). How To Make a Kid Feel Like They Have Been Punched In The Stomach Without Actually Hitting Them.

This is not at all what I predicted (even though I was remarkably close in my predictions of final records for many teams midway through the season).

But I was rooting for the Phillies, inasmuchas when I watched the SportsCenter highlights before work, I was happy that they had won the games I didn’t bother to watch.

Nice job Phillies. Way to beat the fanless, cowbell swinging, Devil Rays.

But you know, the Rays success that happened immediately after they removed part of their team name has to give some other teams something to think about…

If I owned the Pirates, next year they would play as the “Irates”. I gaurantee this would AT LEAST get them a World Series birth.

Maybe the Detroit Lions should just take “Detroit” out of their name…

Nice job Phillies. Enjoy it while it lasts, because the Sixers are going to be a giant pile of suck this year (OK, myabe not a giant pile of suck, but disappointing) and the Eagles? I just never know what to make of them…They’re sort of like Godspeed You Black Emperor!, sometimes you think they’re awesome but sometimes you just think they’re a bunch of losers with a lot of talent too preoccupied with trying to be cool to actually do anything worthwhile.

As hard as it is to believe that Philly won any type of sports Championship, it is far more difficult to believe how fragile Greg Oden appears to be so far.

The guy misses his rookie season with micro-fracture surgery. In his debut, he sprains his ankle/foot. Out for a month. Fucking Amazing.

This is what happens when you bring in Abraham Lincoln’s grandfather to play for your team. Sure, he’s tall and has a killer beard…but the guy is made of twigs and tacky glue.

I am probably as disappointed about Greg Oden’s injury as I am about the fact that the ending of the movie version the “The Watchmen” supposedly will not contain a giant squid like demon. Nor will it contain as much animated nudity.

Thinking about how good the Blazers should probably end up being makes me consider a question:

If you could completely restart your NBA team and you got to select 2 players knowing you could afford the two alone but the deal was that one had to be not currently in the NBA, one had to be a rookie or sophomore  and the rest of your team would be role players and scrubs who would be selected at random, who would you add for your two guys?

I’d take Ricky Rubio at PG. The kid just turned 18 and even though (obviously) he hasn’t played int he NBA, he certainly seemed to have no problem holding his own against a team of NBA All Stars at the Olympics…

Plus he’s soooo cute!

I’d probably take Kevin Durant at the other guard. He sometimes misses a lot of shots and is still learning but I don’t know how I could take Greg Oden’s 214 year old body over a young and electrifying Durant.

Can you even imagine Durant and Rubio playing together? It would be like that album Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis were supposed to make together. Which never happened. Which is why i feel like Durant is destined to play on shitty teams for most of his career.

And speaking of insane Halloween is tomorrow.

As I said last week, I kind of hate Halloween. It just always seems like a bad idea. And you know what’s crazy about it? Is how many grown adults take their kids to haunted hayrides and haunted houses and things like that.

I remember when I was eight or nine my parents took me on a haunted hayride and I had nightmares for weeks. Like I literally couldn’t sleep until after Thanksgiving.

If you aren’t familiar with what a haunted hayride entails here it is:

Don’t have a house to build a haunted house in you say? But you have 20 acres of farm land you’re doing nothing with? You want to employ college and high school kids for minimum wage and KNOW that they’ll work hard because their job will be to scare the shit out of middle aged couples and little kids? Have a few flatbed trucks you can cover with wooden planks and throw hay on top of?

Well you’re in luck! You’ve got a haunted hayride!

I don’t know where these things started, but basically they are just a series of scary exhibits that you drive to and stop and watch and then drive away. Sometimes they involve serial killers from movies. Sometimes they are funny (if you’re an adult) and sometimes they are just confusing.

Example:

(the set is a barber’s shop. A guy walks in and sits down in the barber’s chair)

Barber: Hello friend.

Guy: Hey. Just take a little off the top.

Barber: Oh a little off the top huh?

Guy: Yeah a little off the top!

Barber: I’ll take a little off the top! HAHAHAHA!

(barber stabs guy through the back of the head with giant scissors)

Barber: YOU ALL LOOK LIKE YOU NEED HAIRCUTS!

(Runs towards Haycart swinging the scissors wildly, getting fake blood on everyone, the truck drives away).

(SCENE)

Now, 23 year old York is fine with this display of gruesome hilarity.

But 8 year old York never wanted to go to a barber again.

There were also scenes of people being tortured and screaming. There was a scene of kids being murdered by their parents. One of a guy having his legs broken ala “Misery”. When all was said and done, it was maybe the most traumatic night of my life to that point (thankfully I would experience much worse REAL things {not involving physical torture} as I got older).

But my point is, don’t take your nine year old kid to that shit.

Sure, I guess I’m not scared by horror movies anymore. That’s great. But I’m pretty sure I would have had a far better childhood (or at least November 1994) if none of that ever happened (among other things not related to Halloween).

Anyway:

Top 5 Greatest Unintentional Halloween Movies Of All Time (in no real order):

1.  ”As Good As It Gets”- Helen Hunt won an Oscar for this piece of shit? Now that is SCARY. Helen Hunt is probably the worst actress of all time. She can’t act. Why do you think her average ass hasn’t been in ANYTHING since “Twister” (which by the way, features the most underrated Goo Goo Dolls song of all time “Long Way Down” which my first band covered when I was in 9th grade. What a great song to cover if you are in 9th grade and only one person in your band is halfway decent at playing an instrument and that instrument is bass).
2. “Dan In Real Life” – What scares me about that movie is the fact that anyone could possibly consider anythingabout this festering pile of dog shit even quasi-realistic. It is seriously one terrible cliche after another. I have never actually walked out of a movie in the theater in my life. This might be partly due to the fact that movies are so goddamn expensive these days and the fact that I would never have anything important enough to do that could warrant leaving a movie at night. What would I do if I walked out? Go to a Wendy’s? Listen to NPR? Watch PBS? Yeah. Exactly. Anyway, this would have been the first. Because it was so cringe inducing that I felt uncomfortable watching it. Like i felt embarrassed to be in the theater and I felt embarrassed for Steve Carrell (who is a great guy by all accounts). But because my girlfriend picked it, I couldn’t just walk out and be like ’see you at home lady!’. So I tried to enjoy hating it. And even that wasn’t fun. Fucking Dane Cook. At least his daughter’s were slammin’.
3. “9 1/2 Weeks”- You know what will give you nightmares? Seeing Mickey Rourke in softcore porn. Stay far away.
4. “Daredevil” – I have never seen any other superhero movie that made me actively root againstthe superhero. “Oh man I hope Michael Clark Duncan breaks his neck int his scene!” and “I really hope Colin Farrel throws an ultimate Frisbee so hard it rips Ben Affelck’s head off!” Also, why does Colin Farrell get work? He may be a fine actor in reality, but being that I can only remember him being in “Daredevil”, “Miami Vice” and that movie about him beign stuck in a phone booth (absolutely fucking riveting!…except not…at all) he seems like a giant pile of shit to me.
5. “Howard The Duck”- Does a young and foxy Leah Thompson walking around in her underwear attempting to seduce a 3 foot tall human-like duck scare you? George Lucas’ crowning achievement. You know how some movies forever become associated with the city they take place in? Like for example, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” is as Chicago as deep dish pizza and Ozzie Guillen?  Well, “Howard The Duck” will always make me think of Cleveland. And Cleveland, will always remind me of “Howard The Duck”.

Top 5 Events That Will Make Your 5-10 year old Son or Daughter Feel Like They Have Been Punched In The Stomach:

1. Finding out Santa Claus/The Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy don’t actually exist- Yesterday I was talking to one of my colleagues about how much I don’t care for Halloween and he responded by saying “I also hate any occasion on which you lie to your children for your own amusement”. I assumed he was talking about Easter and Christmas, so I responded by saying “I’m pretty sure the only reason why you now have to make your kids believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny is so that they don’t spoil it for everyone they go to school with. Because even if you were honest with a seven year old and told them that Santa was a lie but not to tell anyone, the first fucking thing they would do in school the next day is say ‘my Dad TOLD ME SANTA IS A LIE! HE TOLD ME SO!’. Bastard kids I don’t have yet…” and I honestly think this is true. As much as I would rather say to my kids “On Christmas, mom and dad spend way too much money on buying you all the thing syou want because we love you and because the economy DEMANDS we do” instead of lying to them, I know I cannot. Remember when you found out that Santa Claus was fake? I remember because I was probably 6 or 7 and my bastard sister told me. And it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. She was all “Think about it stupid. How could Santa Claus be real?” and I was like “Well…the Easter Bunny is real though, right?” and she was like “YOU’RE SO DUMB! HAHAHAHA!”. The knife was twisted. But you know what the worst part about it was? I believed her (because frankly, she was my older sister and she could get me to wear dresses if she wanted to) and I felt guilty about knowing and like I would be letting my parents down if they knew I knew they were faking it. Think about how absurd thatis. So I pretended up until like 5th or 6th grade that I thought Santa was real. Every holiday it felt like I was living a lie. Fucking terrible.
2. Watching “The Good Son”- Remember “The Good Son” with Macaulay Culkin? I remember being so excited when it came out. I was obsessed with kids being important or something at that time in my life (I’m not sure where this idea of ‘nobody respects kids’ came from…maybe it was because I watched too much Nick News W-5 with Linda Ellerbee and somehow that gave me the impression that a)everyone thought kids were stupid and should be dead and/or b)made me depressed at an early age) and I remember Macaulay Culkin was finally taking a serious role to prove that kids COULD in fact be important to society. That movie dealt with real issues, issues all kids face. Like smoking and how to drown your baby brother. I remember watching that and not only feeling like the world was a terrible place, but also feeling like kids all were stupid and probably should be dead. Thanks for ruining my life Macaulay! But in all seriousness, every kid has a movie they see at an early age that makes them regret ever enjoying cinema. For some kids it was “Bambi”. For some it was “My Girl”. I can’t wait until some 10 year olds see “Hounddog” and wonder why the World would be so cruel to Dakota Fanning. Major punch in the stomach.
3. Watching An A & E Documentary About Inner City Life- I recall watching something about young kids and gangs and drug dealing in Baltimore and Detroit. I was probably 8 at the time. The kids int he documentary all had their faces blurred out, but they were like 9-14 and all carried guns and talked about all the people they killed and drugs they sold. That was pretty much when I decided that the world was a horrible place for sure. I tried to rationalize that “The Good Son” was just a bad movie and incredibly unrealistic (who raises kids at a house near a giant cliff???). But this documentary made me long for the days where I was worried someone in my 3rd grade class might be a closet serial killer.
4. Moving From one State To Another- This one is something that isn’t always controllable, but really makes your kid wonder if you are just being as difficult as possible because you hate them or because you are a self-centered jerk.
5. Getting a Divorce – The easy but still effective punch in the stomach for any kid. Next time use birth control! ZING! (I joke…all though, I’m sure fewer divorces would result in fewer Psychology majors…)

It seems shitty that the season already started and I didn’t get to do my big NBA preview. So now that I’ve seen most teams play a game (or 2) I have an unprecedented edge in all of my predictions. Here we go:

The New York Knicks will NOT be the worst team in the NBA. In fact, because Mike D’Antoni will do everything in his power to NOT be horrible, I predict they win 33 games this season. Yes. 33 wins. They will be sneaky some nights. They won’t use Marbury all that much. It will be a fun group. Sort of. They might even be fiesty enough to try to slide into the Playoffs (they are probably 1-3 years away from being a playoff team). The New York Knicks will be 33-49.

The Cleveland Cavs will be pretty damn good with Mo Williams (lack of a bench notwithstanding). I expect they will have a 54-28 season.

The Toronto Raptors will be sort of like the Detroit Tigers were this season. Except, they didn’t ALSO get a young all star along with a washed up Dontrelle Willis. Jermaine O’Neal will be OK, but he won’t be the savior. 45-37.

The Detroit Pistons will finish 54-28.

The Celtics will finish 60-22.

The Wizards will finish 41-41.

The 76ers will finish 47-35.

The Magic will finish 52-30.

The Miami Heat will be a lot better this season. I love the Dwayne Wade ad campaign already. He should be incredible this season. Like that time he was essentially the ghost of Michael Jordan against the Mavericks in the NBA Finals for a couple of games. Michael Beasley won’t hurt either. I know the supporting cast is grim and Shawn Marion might have been the most overrated player of the last half decade…but maybe not. 44-38

The Lakers will win 69 games this season. Yes, that is absurd. I agree. But they are going to angry, big, and bitter. Expect blood on the court.

I like the Grizzlies to win 33 games in the West. They will sort of be like the Knicks of the West, but with more upside (youth and not as much wasted cash on the books).

The Trailblazers should (could) have won 50 games this season. With Old Man Oden out a month I will drop them down to 44 wins.

The worst teams by far will be the New Jersey Nets, Oklahoma City Thunder, Golden State Warriors and Milwaukee Bucks. I don’t think there will be as many pitiful teams this seaosn as there were last year…

The Chicago Bulls could be a surprise playoff team. They were everyone’s sleeper pick for 2007-08 for some reason…But it would make sense for them to be good this year in the same way it sort of made sense for the Devil Rays to be good overnight. When you get one of the highest draft picks year after year after year it only makes sense that you should eventually have a stockpile of good young players and/or trade bait galore. Even if their success does happen seemingly overnight.

The Spurs will finish 51-31.

The Hornets will finish 58-24.

The Clippers will finish a fun 39-43.

The Mavericks will finish 53-29.

The Suns will finish 46-36. I know this might seem low. But they are old. And not the same team anymore. At all.

The Nuggets will finish 31-51 and without either Allen Iverson or  Carmello Anthony or both.

Playoff predictions later in the season.

And now, a segment we call “Bet On it” where York Robrts gives readers 13 things to bet on this week because all of the readers of Chair are compulsive gamblers, simply arrived here looking for porn or both.

• The Chicago Bears will win the NFC North. For no good reason. Bet $1000 on it.
• Mickey Rourke will win the Oscar for Best Actor for “The Wrestler”. Bet $100 on it.
• Zac Efron will be this generation’s Michael J. Fox, somehow. Bet $13 on it.
• Marques Colston will finish the NFL regular season with 38 catches. On the dot. Bet $25 on it.
• Braylon Edwards doesn’t actually drink 5 Hour Energy. Bet $17 on it.
• Rickey Henderson will be a first ballot Hall Of Famer. Bet $50,000 on it.
• John Rocker will one day visit Cooperstown. Bet $9 on it.
• “Life On Mars” will last 39 episodes or less. Bet $270 on it.
• Pogs will be cool again by 2039. Bet $7 on it.
• Penn State will win the BCS National Championship. Bet $312 on it.
• Leon Powe will make the NBA All Star Team. Bet $1.73 on it.
• Derrick Rose will win rookie of the year. Bet $42 on it.

Gilbert Arenas Is Officially Overpaid. Ron Artest Demands a Trade.

Well, its official now. Gilbert Arenas, Agent 0, The Hibachi, whatever you want to call him, the guy who was hurt most of the 2007-08 season, the guy who led the Wiz to a first round playoff loss. That guy. He’s making $111 million over the next 6 seasons.

Sadly, that price is AFTER the Wiz talked him down from $127 million. Absurd. I’d give him $65 million for 3 years…maybe. Maybe $97 million for 6 years. Maybe.

If Gilbert Arenas is still a superstar who has led the Wizards to at least one title by 2014, then you can tell me I was wrong.

That’s just giant money.

Artest is just crazy.

 Ron Artest wants out of the Sac.

ESPN has some really well thought out quotes from him. Below (without their editors additions):

“It’s weird because Maloofs high on me the initial trade,” Artest wrote, referring to the January 2006 deal that brought him from the Indiana Pacers to the Kings in exchange for Peja Stojakovic. “But during this opt-out time in my career I have not heard from them. That should have been a sign to me that my future in is N/A or undetermined.

“In a way I wish this would have been first year and would have left this summer, because it could have showed how much a winner I am. Guys like Rick Adelman and Rick Carlisle that out of me. Isiah was going to bring that out of me if he didn’t get fired. A coach like Phil Jackson can bring that out me.”

“Reggie more than qualifies,” Artest continued. “as much as I have to prove I can win like a Rasheed or Garnettin the first year respective teams, I can make an argument firing Rick Adelman was not the best thing to do. It put me in a position where I had to start over. The good thing is, I should be in my prime at 32 years old, so I have time and, with faith in God, I can move ahead with progress to reach success.”

“I don’t see myself with Kings beyond 2008-09,” Artest said then.

“After being around the Kings and letting the missed opportunity soak in, it makes me hungry to play good basketball this year,” Artest wrote Sunday. “My agent at the time did not pay attention to the last minute of the opt-out hour and David Falk and all these other agents pulled a fast one. They were so smart to opt out the last minute.

“I hope I can go with a team who can commit to me on whatever the terms may be. Even in Indiana when they were worried about extending me, I still produced for them. I do believe a team out there that can be more committed than Sacramento to me. Now that I’m my own agent, I can get a better feel on how teams really view me because I can represent myself.

“When my agent at the time asked me not to opt out so the Kings can get something in return, I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want to leave them out there after all they did for me. But doing that, I’m left out in the cold and still being experimented on like a lab rat. Wherever I’m at next year I can’t wait to work.

“When Rick Adelman got fired and Bonzi didn’t get re-signed, that messed up my legacy as a King because we were headed in the right direction. Now it’s like I have to re-identify what type of team play I can bring to a team.

“I was blinded by friendship. Even Mama Maloof told me she wanted me to stay. I never knew that meant one more year. I thought it meant several. When Mama talks, you listen, and it’s a must you consider and take heed to what she is saying.

“I didn’t know I would be on this roller-coaster ride. Even my coaches convinced me things will be OK. I guess they didn’t know, either, that would mean a couple more years. I feel like I let my family down by not being a smarter businessman.”

 Yes. The above is the unedited version of Artest’s quotes. You make sense out of it.

But If Artest somehow goes to LA, the Lakers could either be better, or a million times worse. Its sort of a 75/25 thing. Probably they would be better. But who knows.

Artest has had a volatile career. He also likes to pull down the pants of people when they are out-playing him.

The NBA Finals Are Making Me Want To Puke (Game 6 Preview)

According to awesome sources Ray and Perk will both be playing tonight.

Here is my best case scenario for Kendrick Perkins:

Perkins plays 40 minutes of hard basketball, picks up 4 to 5 hard fouls, scores between 10 and 16 points and notches 15 rebounds. His toughness and general beastliness puts Pau Gasol in a terrible position as Perk is more physical, tougher, stronger and bigger. Having Perkins on the court also frees up KG to pick up only  a few fouls and play the low post to perfection.

Here is my worst case scenario for Kendrick Perkins:

Perkins plays 6 minutes of hard basketball and grabs a couple of rebounds before realizing he really isn’t strong enough to play the rest of the game. On his way out of the game he punches Kobe Bryant in the face, elbows Pau Gasol in the jaw and throws Sasha Vujacic into the upper deck (preferably section 308 where the fans will seek redemption on behalf of that guy who got beat up at the Staples Center last week). Because Perk is ejected after the melee, Doc Decides to go physical and stay BIG so he uses Glen Big Baby Davis to spell Leon Powe and PJ Brown down low.

Either way, it will be interesting.

But I’m getting all pumped up and ready to go. I’m ready to start jumping up and down like Eddie House before a tip off.

I’ve had an upset stomach all day. Anxious. Nervous. And now my adrenaline is going apeshit just from thinking about the game.

I don’t think I was ready for game 5 in this way. Tonight I am ready.

And I hope KG is ready too.

The Celtics just need to constantly play hard tonight. Nobody standing around. Nobody not going for a rebound. Nobody taking a single possession off. Nobody missing an open lay up. Nobody passing up an easy shot. Nobody being afraid to drive to the basket (ESPECIALLY YOU RONDO!!! JUST TAKE THAT SHIT IN! SLAM DUNK IT ON PAU GASOL’S UGLY FUCKING HEAD!!!!). Nobody slow getting into position. Nobody missing free throws. Nobody making unnecessary fouls. Nobody falling asleep in the event the Celtics take the lead.

Tonight needs to be the same way the Celtics played all season. Tonight they need to play like they did against Phoenix on March 26th. Never let up. In the fourth quarter, spread the ball and drain the shots. Make the Lakers lose their desire to win. Make them lose their desire to play. Make them lose their desire to live.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO COME UP BIG TONIGHT.

I expect nothing less than a superb game from Pierce, KG, Ray Allen, Rajon Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, James Posey, Eddie House, Sam Cassell, PJ Brown, Tony Allen, Leon Powe and Glen Big Baby Davis. I don’t care if they have a superb game getting guys fired up on the sidelines or getting the fans fired up in the stands or knocking down Lakers and shots on the court.

Tonight they need to breathe fire and spit venom.

Tonight they need to mean it.

Tonight they need to play like its the last game of their lives.

 

Game 5 of the NBA Finals. Paul Pierce Is Outstanding but Dick Bavetta Should Be In Prison NOT REFING THE NBA FINALS!

Ok. The Celtics and Lakers had the same number of free throws total. Great.

That was only because LA was over the limit in the third quarter and Boston took about 10 on non-shooting fouls.

The Celtics couldn’t get a whistle to save their lives. The culmination of which was Kobe Bryant hacking Paul Pierce in the arm and ribs and “stealing” the ball for a permanent momentumchanging slam dunk. Right. If you watch the replay Kobe “I rape women and get away with it” Bryant had all Pierce and no ball. The commentators were apparently instructed not to mention how suspiciously horrible the officiating was (Van Gundy said “you might argue that was a foul” VAN GUNDY WOULD HAVE SHIT HIS PANTS AND GOTTEN A TECHNICAL  IF HE WAS THE CELTICS COACH).

I have had an up and down opinion about David Stern. He’s done some horrible things lately and I will always hate him from this season forward. The man should resign. He has no business running the NBA. its clear that the NBA should NOT have an antitrust exemption based on the Donaghy allegations (no matter how much he’s grasping at straws and looking for a way out of prison).

But why, in the midst of an FBI investiagtion, would you have Dick Fucking Bavetta officiate a game in the NBA Finals?

(note that I called him Dick FUCKING Bavetta, I encourage you and your friends to do the same).

Even if the officials weren’ttrying to swing the game in LA’s favor last night and they just missed some easy calls (which can happen, obviously), it still looks ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE to have Dick Bavetta refing that game. You’re just giving Celtics fans like me a reason to think that ALL of the allegations are true and even more so, making even more people question the integrity of the league (a discussion Bombs, Blade, Kyley and I had DURING the game…that shit should not have to happen during the NBA Finals) and whenever a questionable call is made (or an easy call is missed) it looks like Dick Bavetta was instructed to stretch it out to 6 or 7 games (which was apparently the protocol in previous seasons).

Now obviously, Kevin Garnett did not play well last night (he hasn’t really played exceptionally well in Los Angeles in this series) and missed two crucial free throws that he normally would make.

Ray Allen did not have a big night. The word is that he is tending to a personal family matter and if so I certainly wish him all the best and can understand how difficult it would be to focus as much on a game in that situation.

Leon Powe looked flat and lacked intensity completely in his start (all though is fairness to Leon, he did only play 6 minutes or so).

Rajon Rondo is still shying away from easy baskets for passes. It is infuriating and makes me want to throw my TV out a window.

Paul Pierce, even with his 38 points, had a few costly turnovers (all though to be fair, one of them was him getting mauled by Kobe Bryant. But I guess since he isn’t guilt of mauling people off the court, why would they call him for it on the court?).

And the Celtics defense decided that they didn’t feel like playing in the first quarter and/or Doc Rovers and Tom Thibodeau watched The Simpsons last night and decided that they were going to try Homer’s strategy in the episode “The Homer They Fall”in where he’s a boxer (trained by Kid Moe) in which he let’s his boxcar residing opponents punch him until they get tired and then softly pushes them over. It didn’t work.

The Celtics need to come out breathing fire on Tuesday. The series needs to be wrapped up. And they should be triple aggressive on offense because if the score is even remotely close in the 4th quarter, I’m sure Tim Donaghy will make a special appearanceas a guest referee along with Vince McMahon and Pete Rose.

Let’s finish this up.

NBA Finals Game 4 Preview

Will Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce come to my apartment for the game tonight? Probably not. But if they don’t I hope they AT LEAST make an appearance on the court at the Staples Center.

Game 3 was brutal. It was ugly, ugly basketball. The Lakers looked just slightly less disoriented than the Celtics and that’s why they won. Rajon Rondo sprained his ankle, KG and Paul Pierce were barely alive, Kendrick Perkins was a complete non-factor and still it came down to the wire.

Pau Gasol was whiter than usual on Tuesday.

Was it the contrast of his skin and the yellow jerseys? Maybe. But I prefer to think that he was strung out on heroin.

Hopefully Pau will look strung out again, Lamar Odom will continue to choke (URI SHOULD HAVE WON IT ALL THAT YEAR LAMAR! I STILL BLAME YOU!!!!) and Kobe Bryant will get elbowed in the neck by Sam Cassell (killing two birds with one stone).

I know it will be physical. I know it will be hard. I’m pretty sure that the Celtics will come out with momentum.

But the pieces need to fall into place.

I expect big things from Rondo, House, Leon Powe and I have a feeling Glen Big Baby Davis will even show up tonight (for no good reason…but sometimes Doc just gets lucky).

Paul Pierce should probably drop about 60 tonight to make up for Tuesday.

I TOLD YOU LEON! DIDN’T I SAY LEON? WHAT!!!!

Leon Powe says “Yeah, York was right about me all along. The Lakers don’t play defense. I can push them around and muscle my way to the hoop. You know I’m from Oakland, right? This Lakers team is like the International Passport at IHOP, you don’t know whats coming out or where it came from.”

Game 2 of the NBA Finals was big in a few ways for the Celtics. They got the win. They played really hard for 3 and 1/3 quarters. Paul Pierce is either made of adrenaline or the knee thing really isn’t that big of a deal. Ray Allen and the arm sock of unquestionable glory were present again. Rajon Rondo had some insane assists and rebounds. They had an above average shot selection all night. I could go on…

But by far, the best thing that happened to the Celtics on Sunday night was the fact that they managed to surrender 41 points in the final 12 minutes.

These Lakers are not stupid, they’re not slow and they aren’t going to roll over and die.

An almost-choke should be enough to make the entire team think twice before they get stars in their eyes. It was a win, but the Celtics still have a lot to work on. And almost choking should give them the momentum they need to come out with in Los Angeles on Tuesday.

Allow me to also point out that the Celtics won on Sunday without heavy offensive assistance fro KG.

Garnett was relatively quiet on the offensive end. True, Pierce was golden and Ray Allen and KG were effective, but there is going to come a game where the Celtics need KG to get 30 or more points. It will happen. Especially if Paul Pierce does become hampered by the knee strain.

Now, I’m not saying KG didn’t play a good game last night, a double double with a handful of assists is nothing to sneeze at.

But he missed some shots that he usually hits.

And the Celtics will need him to step up big in LA.

One more note about Leon Powe, that guy needs to play 10 minutes a game. He just HAS TO. I’ve said in the past he and Posey are the only two guys I have absolute confidence in coming off the bench. PJ Brown is great once in a while. But he fouls a lot and he doesn’t always bring the same type of energy Leon does.

Maybe Eddie House will make a surprise appearance in Game 3. After all, ET did not really show up last night. And when Eddie gets some big shots, it just makes the whole Celtics team incredibly happy. He’s definitely a big emotional leader off the bench.

The Lakers can complain about the lack of free throws they had. Sure. But it wasn’t like the Celtics weren’t committing fouls. They just didn’t commit a lot of shooting fouls. And I can’t really think of more than a couple of instances that a shooting foul could have been called against them when it wasn’t.

Game 3 will be good. Another night I’ll go to sleep around 1:00 a.m. and roll into work the next morning.

 

 

Get Sold On The Celtics

The NBA Finals are 3 days away. Its time to get sold.

I didn’t really look around today but I’m sure if I did I would have found 6,000+ articles selling me on the rivalry. The brilliance. The match up. The Celtics and Lakers. Classic.

Great. Fun. Thanks.

But I doubt many of those articles would have sold me on why the Celtics can win the Finals.

As a side note, I don’t especially need to be sold to. I believe in these Celtics for the same reasons I blogged about on Friday after they dismantled their greatest threat to date.

And yeah, the Lakers have Kobe Bryant. Great.

But one thing the Lakers don’t have is a celebrity fanbas-

Oh…wait.

All of that aside, who would you rather face in the playoffs (completely disregarding which team they are on for the sake of this argument) at this stage in their career, Kobe or LeBron? 

Kobe is Kobe. He won the MVP (finally), he’s iconic, he seems like a jerk, most people don’t really care for him (we’ll see if the forthcoming Spike Lee documentary can change that) and he’s incredibly talented.

But LeBron James is coming off of the best season of his career (statistically anyway – in everything important [assists, rebounds, blocks, Triple Doubles, 50+ point games...etc.] other than Points Per Game which he averaged 1.5 more two years ago when he played 2.5 less minutes a game). 

The thing that scares me most about LeBron is how fast he accelerates and how well he finishes in the paint. I have personally never seen anyone in my life that SEEMS as fast as LeBron is with as soft a touch. He’s almost beyond being defended because of the way he moves and because he gets so many calls, if he wants to win a game, its his to win.

Kobe, yeah, he’s great too. Yes, he shoots better than LeBron, yeah, he’s a better all around player, but for some reason he doesn’t scare me nearly as much.

Now obviously, I’m not completely moronic. I can’t discount the fact that the ‘08 Cavs are (or were…now) clearly very inferior to the ‘08 Lakers. But I’m saying, completely disregarding their current rosters, if you had to pick one player to play against who would it be? 

I think Kobe is the lesser of two evils at this point.

His surrounding cast is stronger (obviously) and (as I’ve read in every article so far) Phil will most likely make Doc look like a fool (all though I’m not sure what PHIL could do at this point that Doc hasn’t already one-upped him on in the ‘making Doc look like a fool’ contest…maybe Phil will pants him at a timeout or something?) and the Lakers have more team experience I guess (all though this crew of Lakers looks nothing like the 2004 Lakers did…the last time they were in the Finals [and lost]…Kobe and Derek Fisher…that’s it).

But I still can’t foresee anything short of a fantastic match up.

I think the Celtics are MORE READY for Kobe (they had practice against LeBron, the crazy 8 headed Detroit machine and Joe Johnson who they let LOOK like he is an top tier elite player) than The Lakers are for the Celtics.

 

In The NBA Finals.

The Celtics did something special tonight. 

Yes, they beat the Pistons in 6 games (twice on the road!), yes, they are headed to the NBA Finals for the first time in over 20 years, yes, they are playing against the LA Lakers, yes, they went from being in the basement of the NBA to going to the finals in one season and yes, it will be the first finals appearance for most of the team (including Paul Pierce, KG and Ray Allen). 

All great.

But the best thing they did on May 30th was prove that they can still grow and that there is still time.

The entire playoffs have made journalists and sports fans all over the world wonder “what is wrong with the Celtics” and yes, they technically never trailed in any series, but it took them 7 games to euthanize an athletic but overachieving Atlanta Hawks team, another 7 games to finish off the Cleveland Lebron’s (in a series a lot of Boston assumed would be the end) and now, against their greatest opposition of the playoffs they manage to win not one but two games on the road, clinch the series on the road and come from behind a 10 point deficit? 

If you would have told me the Boston Celtics could have beaten the Pistons in six games, twice on the road and come from behind to clinch on the road anytime after game six of the Atlanta series, I would have told you you were crazy.

Coming into the playoffs I had nothing but the utmost confidence in this Celtics team. They had role players, they had veterans they had guys who could step up on any given night and for he most part Doc Rivers kept it simple and keeping it simple carried them through a 66 win season.

But something happened around game 3 in round 1…

The Celtics got the fear.

The “win or go home” fear that they had not played against all season. The “win or go home” fear that Pierce, Ray and KG had never experienced together before (and Rondo had NEVER experienced). The “win or go home” fear that seemed to make something so perfect in the regular season seem like an aberration or a mirage.

Suddenly guys were turning the ball over for no good reason or looking to constantly make an extra pass rather than taking a shot. The defense looked weak. The bench wasn’t performing to their potential. Doc started making bizarre substitutions, Ray Allen got ice cold, Sam Cassell rolled over and died and every game felt like 9 hours (as opposed to the 4 hours they actually are).

Atlanta was a struggle where the Celtics played horribly on the road for 3 games. in game 2 they gave up big leads and when the crowd got into it Ray Allen got that look of mortification that means a team is going to lose unless someone steps up big time…and there were no takers.

Cleveland continued the pattern of making the Celts look piss poor on the road by forcing mistakes, playing defense and making people afraid. Until game 6 in Cleveland.

I knew game 6 was a turning point as I was watching it. The Celtics got the lead early int he game and they played with intensity and didn’t seem to give up. They didn’t decide to lose, they decided to play until the final buzzer.

In the end,t hey lost, there was a horrible horrible horrible foul called against Paul Pierce that essentially blew the game for them, but I was confident in a game 7 victory in that series because it was the first time all playoffs that a team pushed hard against the Celtics and they fought back.

I even texted my buddy Sean a famous line from “White Men Can’t Jump” after the game; “Sometimes when you win, you actually lose and sometimes when you lose you actually win and sometimes when you win or lose you actually tie and sometimes when you tie you actually win or lose”. 

It was true of that game. The Celtics lost game 6 in Cleveland, but the unity was getting stronger. The team looked ready to fight. Like Lebron’s amazing play had awoken them from the late season doldrums.

Against Detroit, they lost a tough one at home. I was in the fourth row that night miserable as hell and trying to figure out some way that they could pull out the series against the Pistons. All though a lot of the Celtics fans had left early or were clearing out by the time the game ended, I stayed behind and watched them walk off. KG looked like someone had just broken his heart. And I heard someone yell “Its OK Kevin, you’ll kill them in Detroit”. 

As much as I tried to sell myself on that, I had trouble. Saturday night rolled around and I had convinced myself the Celtics could make it a close game if they came out with intensity. And did they ever.

Game 4 of the series was kind of confusing. It was the type of home game most teams usually have in the playoffs where they get up early, discourage the away team, get the crowd into it and destroy them. Except even in game 4, the Celtics had chances to steal it that just didn’t pan out. They got down, the crowd was in it, the Pistons were working hard and Mike Breen was ready to give McNugget the Eastern Conference trophy. Yet, the Celtics still fought back to a degree. They didn’t win…but they didn’t just roll over and die like they did int heir first 5 games on the road in the playoffs.

Game 5 the Celtics held on and won. Sure,t hey could have played better, yes, the Pistons defense disrupted their flow and lead to some awful looks and even worse turnovers. But Ray Allen was back, arm sock and all, and the Celtics stuck it out.

Tonight I had a feeling. I knew they could put the Pistons away. Even when they were down 10, I said to Kyley “they still have one great run left and Paul Pierce will explode”. Hell, I predicted it on the blog earlier in the day.

The Celtics fought back from behind, on the road, with KG in foul trouble. No, it wasn’t perfect (ahem, Rondo…PLEASE JUST TAKE A SHOT ON THE FASTBREAK!!! WHAT WAS SHEED GONNA DO? FOUL YOU AND GET FOULED OUT?!?!?!), but they found a way to win.

They are growing in the Playoffs.

The Lakers may be tough but the Celtics are still growing.

And I don’t think a week off and some time to prepare will do them any harm.

Lakers In The Finals/Game 6 preview

The Lakers are in the NBA Finals.

I guess I’m as happy as I could be about it. Clearly Kobe Bryant is entertaining. Pau Gasol is tall and scores effectively. Lamar Odom went to URI. So…there’s that.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think the NBA wanted a Celtics vs. Lakers finals (just like most of the rest of the world outside Detroit and San Antonio). I’m no conspiracy theorist…but something tells me that would get ratings like no NBA Finals has in years…

So part 1 has been completed. Tonight the C’s look to wrap it up in Detroit.

I am more optimistic about tonight’s game than I have been about any of the other road games the Celtics have played this season. For two reasons:

1) The Celtics got the W on Wednesday, but found a way to almost blow it. Hopefully their almost blowing it big time is motivation enough for them to go all out tonight and play like they want to win and not get discouraged when things start to go Detroit’s way and they don’t get breaks.

2) The NBA wants a Celtics vs. Lakers finals and I don’t have any doubts that that is the way the game will be called. Even if you take that away, Rasheed Wallace’s profane rant against officiating isn’t going to get him ANY breaks tonight either way. And don’t be surprised if the Pistons get ahead big, that Sheed gets T’d up and misses game 7. I’m calling it right now.

Additionally, motivations and secret motives aside, Paul Pierce is due for a giant game, Rajon Rondo is due to put some points up (if he stops taking half-assed floaters and starts either a) driving to the basket aggressively (he’s so small and fragile-looking he’s BOUND to get calls) or b) Stops passing up open shots because he’s too nervous) and The Celtics bench is dying to be active. maybe tonight Doc will play Leon Powe. I feel like he hasn’t had a substantial chance at playing time in so long, he might explode and go on one of those 7 rebounds 6 points in 4 minutes things he does.

My good frined Bombs is of the belief that the Celtics and Pistons are the two best all around teams in the NBA. Its hard to argue with that if you look at both offensive and defensive totals for the season. However, the Lakers pose an extreme threat for having multiple offensive weapons and being highly athletic. The Celtics don’t always fair well against athletic teams (ahem, Atlanta). But who knows.

The important thing is that they don’t turn it over for no reason, that people stop over-passing and throwing it away, that they continue to play defense, that they take high percentage shots and that they drive to the basket and get Detroit in foul trouble (McNugget looked horrible in foul trouble and even worse on the bench on Wednesday).

I’m predicting a 104-97 Celtics win tonight. Paul Pierce with 35, Ray Allen with 21, Rondo with 13, KG with 19.

This will come back to haunt me….