If You Were A Fathead I Would Stick You To My Wall And Admire Your Stature.

One of my friendly colleagues is moving into the cubicle in front of mine.

There is a large white wall to our left.

We have discussed buying a Fathead and sticking it to the wall.

Problem is, he’s from New York and a Yankees/Giants fan.

We here at Chair are Boston sports fans.

We could try to represent both cities equally, but that would be stupid.

Instead, we are considering going for something neutral and totally unrelated to both of our interests.

Such as this.

I was also thinking maybe we could go with the on sale John Elway Fathead. I never really cared for Elway but I never disliked him. We could appreciate the way he lead teams to victory.

Terrell Davis needs a Fathead. That guy was the best running back in the NFL for a couple of years. But that was it. Poor guy. I wonder if his knees hurt every time he squats down to take a shit. That’s not the type of life a world class athlete deserves.

I’m going to the gym with one of my other colleagues in 22 minutes. I hope we spend the whole time trying to do that treadmill conversation thing you sometimes see in gyms.

“Yeah……So……I……Think….That the…..Project…Is…..Going Well…..”

That thing.

I haven’t been to the gym in several weeks.

During the extended vacation from Chair, I was rehabbing a sprained ankle. I fell off a chair. If you name your blog something and then you severely injure yourself using the thing your blog is named after, don’t you think you should get some kind of award? Too bad this blog isn’t called ‘$50 million : money to spend”.

I need sponsers who give me health insurance…

Hal Steinbrenner Wants C.C. Sabathia RIGHT NOW.

Is there any group of people in the World more loathsome than the Steinbrenner family?

Honestly, as a Red Sox fan with common sense, I’ve never really had an extreme hatred for many Yankees players (Roger Clemens aside). I always liked Joe Torre, I never understood how Derek Jeter can run the bases with all of the Sports Media living in his jock strap but I never really bothered hating him, A-Rod I almost feel bad for in a way and he’s sort of just a clown, Always respected Giambi…etc.

But the fucking Steinbrenners? Even Yankees fans know that those people are the scum of the Earth. They embody everything people hate about rich people. They are greedy, they’re whiney, they complain about every little fucking thing to the media. They just fucking suck.

Hal Steinbrenner and Hank Steinbrenner are no different.

Said Hal about C.C. Sabathia:

“We’ve made him an offer. It’s not going to be there forever,”

Really? That sounds pretty familiar. I seem to recall the Yankees revoking their offer to A-Rod last season as well…

He might as well have said:

I want the world
I want the whole world
I want to lock it all up in my pocket
It’s my bar of chocolate
Give it to me Now!

Just look at that picture of him up there. Does that not scream douche bag? He looks like he’s tired from having to constantly yell “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!?!” at everyone he encounters.

“You call this a limo? THIS HAS FUCKING LEATHER SEATING! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!?!? No Steinbrenner rides in leather FUCKING seating you dumb fucking twerp. I’ve taken shits that are worth more than you! I want a limo with DIAMOND seating. That’s right. I WANT TO FUCKING SIT IN A LIMO MADE OF DIAMONDS! What do you mean you can’tmake that happen? Listen Juan, get me that fucking limo or you’ll be back in- Oh your name isn’t Juan? HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT A STEINBRENNER YOU FUCKING SHIT-STAIN! Do you know who I AM? HAL FUCKING STEINBRENNER THAT’S WHO! I DON’T LEARN THE NAMES OF stupid fucking PEASANTS! I AM ROYALTY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

Albert Pujols Wins NL MVP.

Like many people around this part of the country (some call it ‘Red Sox Nation’…I just call it New England), I really don’t get to see too much National League baseball over the course of the season.

Sure, I watch the Red Sox play inter-league games and towards the end of the season, I watch just about every baseball game on TV, but this season, I don’t think I watched a single minute of St. Louis Cardinals baseball.

It’s not my fault. I can’t afford a baseball package that would give me every game and the Cardinals weren’t competing for a playoff spot down the stretch so I just didn’t see them.

And come to think of it, World Series appearances aside, I really haven’t watched much St. Louis Cardinals baseball over the course of the Pujols’ career.

I know his numbers were out of this world. His On base Percentage was absurd (.462) he put up typical Pujols power numbers (37 HR, 116 RBI) and had a .357 batting average.

This is his second MVP and he has finished in the top 3 in voting in 6 of his 8 years in the Majors.

But to me, all of those numbers are just numbers. I haven’t seen him play enough to know that he gets on base almost half the time he gets up to bat. I don’t even know what his batting stance looks like (off the top of my head).

I know things about Pujols. I knew he still wasn’t 30. I knew he had around 300 career home runs. I know what I’ve read about him.

I’d have to say, baseball is probably the absolute worst sport at showcasing talent.

Part of it is the ridiculous 162 game schedule where one game never means much in reality. It makes the idea of watching a mid-season Sunday Night Baseball game between the Cardinals and the Reds seem like less fun than watching grass grow.

Hell, unless I’m AT a Red Sox game or it is during the playoffs or I am watching it surrounded by friends while discussing other things or playing poker, I have a tendency to get bored then as well (and they are my home team!).

I’ve always felt that way. Baseball is so incredibly slow and so little actually happens. I could watch any Hockey or Basketball game because, the seasons are half as long as the baseball season and you get the sense that every game means something. Plus, even if it is early in the year (like right now), there is constant action. It isn’t like watching paint dry.

The NFL has the perfect sport though. 16 games. Every one of them matters. Constant action. Always something at stake. I would watch every NFL game every season if I could.

And all though I’m familiar with the sight of Pujols hitting a home run, I have SEEN and remember Adrian Peterson ripping through defenses.

I don’t watch the Pittsburgh Penguins regularly at all, put I know what Sidney Crosby can do.

I hate the Lakers, but I am very very familiar with how great Kobe Bryant is.

Yet with Albert Pujols, it’s hard for me to even remember a highlight from a home run he hit this season (off the top of my head…I can’t).

That’s not a knock on Pujols. Mostly, I blame Bud Selig.

Oh, and the purists who think that 4 hour and 37 minute games are what baseball is all about can go to hell.

Red Sox, Dodgers, Look For Hole To Crawl In And Die.

I love Terry Francona…

But he needs to stop issuing lifetime achievement awards in the playoffs.

These playoffs have taught me:

Jason Varitek = sucks.

David Ortiz = giant pile of suck.

Josh Beckett = either hiding an injury or regressed to his 2006 form = sucks.

Tim Wakefield = shaky at best.

Mike Timlin = easily the worst pitcher in baseball. Tee-ball.

What a pile of suck the last few games have been.

But, strangely, you can’t pin the problems to Manny being absent. It isn’t the lack of hitting that has killed them (all though a little MORE hitting couldn’t hurt). The pitching has been atrocious.

And honestly, after the way the Red Sox stormed through the ALDS, it looked like they had momentum and were ready to play.

But losing the extra innings game killed them. A game they never should have lost and the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of Terry Francona. Josh Beckett should never have been int hat game past the third inning. Mike Timlin should never have been added to the Playoff roster.

I realize there are a lot of injuries still nagging this team (Lowell, JD Drew, Ortiz, Beckett). But they somehow found a way to run out of gas and slump right when they needed to go full speed.

It is nothing like the 2005  bouncing they received at the hands of the White Sox.

This is a CIP. 

 Collapse in progress.

C.C. Sabathia Says ‘Happiness’ Will Decide Where He Plays in 2009.

Even though the Brewers couldn’t get it done in the playoffs, they were sort of like last season’s Phillies, a team that sort of made it to the playoffs against all odds and was just happy to be there.

C.C. Sabathia on the Brewers was a fun time in baseball history. I say history because I don’t know how a team like the Brewers, a team that spends very little, could possibly afford to pay Sabathia unless they raise their ticket prices by 600%.

If the happiness thing is true, it sounds like Sabathia is already trying to rule out the Yankees. Sure, they’ll give him an island in the South Pacific with a mountain made of $20′s, but I’m pretty sure he’d be unhappy to suicidal playing under Hank Steinbrenner and the constant shit-stained spotlight of the New York Media.

The Mets might work to a lesser extent…but who knows.

Sabathia apparently loves Southern California, which makes the Angels, Padres and Dodgers possible targets. I don’t know what the Padres can afford, the Angels already have a great pitching staff but the Dodgers could probably use a big anchor…

Maybe the Rangers will step up, offer him $500 million over 14 years, not be able to pay that contract and then trade him to the Yankees after a few seasons…

I’d love for Sabathia to come to Boston but I don’t think it is going to happen.

Either way, Sabathia was great this season. I’m excited for the upcoming sweepstakes.

Thanks For Ruining My Thursday Red Sox.

On Wednesday I went to game 3 of the Red Sox hosting the Tampa Bay Rays.

It was that sick 5 hour masterpiece of epic failure, a total inability to score runs and pitching that was either incredibly dominant or hittign that was incredibly flaccid. Somewhere in between most likely.

Jason Bay was 0-7 with 3 strikeouts. He left 7 runners on base.

David Ortiz was 0-4 and left 4 runners on base.

Jacoby Ellsbury was 1-7.

Mark Kotsay was 1-6.

It was truly painful to watch.

Add in the fact that apparently it now starts getting cold as soon as the calendar says “September” and the 1 and a half hour commute I had after the game and you can almost feel how unpleasant the whole experience was.

At least I wasn’t that drunk woman ten rows in front of me. She was probably about 27 or 28 but was with a guy who must have been 45 or so. She kept standing up and facing awayfrom the field and shaking her open hands while yelling “COME ON PEOPLE. GO RED SAAAAUX! GO RED SAAAAAUX!”.

I’m sure my Thursday wasn’t as bad as hers.

The saddest thing about the game was that Terry Francona all but gave up on it. It seemed like the Red Sox had a bunch of bad calls go against them (a questionable fan interference call, a downright terrible call at first base in the 9th, a strike zone that seemed to be wider than an Escalade all night long) and then finally with hardly anyone left in the bullpen and one out in the 14th, Francona brought in Mike Timlin.

Really? Mike Timlin?

Timlin has been consistently inconsistent for the last 3 seasons.

He is essentially a mop up guy. I really don’t think he should make the playoff roster.

Timlin has made 43 appearances this season. He has pitched 44.1 innings and in those 44.1 innings he has magnificently given up 55 hits and 31 runs.

That means Timlin averages .4 hits per out. or 1.2 hits per inning pitched. Horrific. That’s not pitching. That’s teeball.

Timlin also has an amazing 6.09 ERA this season. Far and away the worst ERA he has posted in his 47 seasons in the bigs.

As soon as TImlin was warming up, it was like the Red Sox were waving the white flag. That game could still be going on.

This weekend the Red Sox have the joy of facing the white hot Blue Jays.

A team they always eat shit against.

I’m watching OSU vs. USC.

The Red Sox To Break The Cleveland Indians’ Consecutive Sellout Streak Tonight. Try to Put The Kids To Bed.

See what happens when you remove the Devil from your life and follow the path of rugged-domed-senior-citizens-wearing-Haiwaiin-shirt-glory?

The Tampa Bay Rays have looked a lot like the Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays I know and love from seasons past. They just got swept by the Blue Jays. THE BLUE JAYS! Roy Halladay aside (I would give him the Cy Young over Cliff Lee any day of the week) they are not a very good team.

Tonight I get to attend the record setting attendance game. It will be my first trip to Fenway since John Lester’s no-hitter. My 3rd overall game this season. The first game I went to was the Detroit Tigers’ first win of the season (over John Lester). The Second was the no hitter (Lester). So naturally, tonight’s starter will be none other than John Lester.

That always seems to happen. I see the same starter 4 times in one season (it isn’t like I have season tickets or anything). Two years ago I saw Wakefield 4 out of 5 times.

At least this year it’s Lester.

The Red Sox finally have Beckett back in the rotation, Lowell is healthy, Kevin Youkilis is back, JD Drew and David Aardsma are coming back. It looks like things are coming together (at just the right time).

The Rays have started to sink. The Twins and White Sox are killing themselves (thanks for the help Carlos Quentin!) and even the Angels do not look nearly as good as they did 6 weeks ago.

I was low on the Red Sox in June and July and even early August.

But they have hooked me in.

I feel like if they play the way they have the last few weeks, they have some legs. Maybe they can swing the momentum and parlay it into a Divisional Victory and a serious shot at NOT getting bounced immediately in the Playoffs (as I was so sure they would 6 weeks ago).

And I swear that my new found hope for the Red Sox is in no way related to my acceptance of the Patriots impending doom (all though, if Vince Wilfork popped Brett Favre’s ACL to take those ridiculous Jets fans down a notch, I wouldn’t mind…not that Wilfork would do that or anything…just saying…as much as I hate the Steelers and Chargers and Colts and Cowboys, I would not say ‘that’s what you deserve (homophobic slur here)!!!’ if any of their star players went down with a season ending injury).

Also, Dustin Pedroia needs to go 4-4 tonight. Maybe 5-5 or 6-6. Pick it up Dusty.

 

‘

Why This Red Sox Team Is Doomed. Why They Need To Trade Manny.

Here is my defense against a sad Detroiter who thinks it is lunacy to trade ManRam:

That’s the thing about sports—you want to win. The Red Sox are basically in first place in the AL East, they should absolutely make the playoffs. In the baseball playoffs, anything can happen. Detroit backed into the 2006 playoffs, basically carrying the dead carcass of a great early season team. And then we destroyed the Yankees and rumbled into the World Series.

Who are you scared of? The Rays are interesting but greener than Al Gore. I’ve been asked to join the Yankees’ starting rotation. Anaheim is probably the favorite, and they score less than Michael Richards at bars in Compton.

I’ve long been a proponent of tearing up the Pistons’ foundation. But success in the NBA is so much about massaging the salary cap and in basketball the better team almost always wins (and the Pistons have proven they’re not an elite team.) The Red Sox, on the other hand, won the World Series LAST YEAR.

If you can get a great package for an aging superstar, an aging top 20 of all-time player, you might take a look. But you’re the damn defending world champions and you’ve got at least a 1 in 5 shot of making the World Series. To pass that up would be crazier than Manny Ramirez.

Disagree. This team isn’t winning shit. You know that, or should know that, and I know that. They are HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE under pressure.

THIS TEAM HAS BEEN SWEPT 6 TIMES SLOAN! 6 TIMES!!!

Let’s take a look at how they have performed against quality opponents this season:

Against the LA Angels (whom I predict will take it all): 1-5
Against the New York Yankees (who are having troubles of their own): 5-6
Against the Tampa Bay Rays: 6-6 (2 sweeps for each team, the home team)
Against the A’s (not a playoff team): 3-4

This Red Sox team has consistently beat up on the likes of the O’s, Blue Jays, Royals…etc. But they don’t win on the road and they don’t play well under pressure. They just don’t hold leads.

THEY ARE 24-32 ON THE ROAD. THAT IS AN EIGHT GAME DIFFERENCE. Let me list for you other teams that have lost 8 or more games on the road than they have won on the road:

Baltimore (last place…12)
Cleveland (last place…16)
Seattle (last place…14)
Atlanta (fourth place…17)
Washington (last place…19)
Cincinnati (third place…11)
Pittsburgh (last place…14)
Colorado (third place…19)
San Diego (last place…17)

These are the 9 teams the Red Sox have a better road record than. That’s it. HORRIBLE.

Right now, the Red Sox are 31-13 at home. That’s great. But I doubt they win another 30 of their remaining 37 games at home. They are not going to go 61-20 at home. And if they somehow do and continue at this rate on the road, they’ll end up winning about 91 games and missing the playoffs or sneaking in as a Wild Card.

I know Red Sox teams. I’ve been watching them forever. This one doesn’t stand a chance.

They’re like the late 90’s Red Sox. Look fine. Get you a little excited, get into the playoffs, give up a shit load of runs, no one can hit. Swept away.

It would also be stupid NOT TO TRADE Manny. he actually wants to leave, he won’t re-sign. Theo isn’t going to pick up the option (which I think they should, but won’t) so why not trade him, reallocate some of his salary for pitching next season and get a nice package in return? I’m not saying that the money being spent on Manny is preventing anything from happening, but once it is not being used anymore I’m sure the ownership will be a lot more likely to go out and spend a little money on free agents this Winter. Plus, if they can trade Manny for prospects, maybe they can work those prospects into a deal for someone this off season.

It If they don’t trade him, he walks, the Red Sox get eliminated in the ALCS (Best case…probably in the DS) and they get NOTHING in return.

I don’t give a shit about his salary. I’m just saying, its stupid not to make a move here.

I also don’t understand the need for the “WE MUST WIN THIS SEASON” mentality.

The Red Sox won the World Series last year. They aren’t going to repeat with this team. I give them a 1 in 19 chance at best. Maybe 1 in 15. No better than that. Not enough pitching. Not enough clutch.

I would be thrilled if they did win the World Series, of course, but I don’t think they have a legitimate chance with this particular group of players performing the way they have this season and I also think it would make much more sense to build to be in a better position next year than to let Manny leave for nothing (which he will) and to end up being in a worse position next year.

Also, if they DO trade with the Mets or Dodgers (both more likely than other teams, due to market, payroll, playoff race…etc.) and get a package with like Ryan Church a solid bullpen arm and some minor leaguers, its not like they would fall off the face of the Earth with Chruch as a starter and an extra arm in the pen.

If anything I think they might even IMPROVE their chances for THIS YEAR if they can move Manny for an arm or two and a nice outfielder who can provide them with a .285 or so BA. Just saying.

Shit, I would GLADLY take Matt Kemp, an arm and some prospects for Manny. Someone young, who can hit, steal bases, plays hard, and still leaves the door open for a big free agent signing. I really don’t think this Red Sox team becomes irrelevant the second after Manny is gone. But why not try it now? Try it with a trade. See how it works out for the remainder of the season.

If they sink, they know they need to make a big signing in the off season. If they swim, maybe not so much.

Red Sox Back In First, Rays Revert To Devil Rays Ways

This isn’t much of a story, but the Boston Red Sox have climbed back into first. I really didn’t think they would be back on top at the All Star break. In fact, I assumed they might be 5 or 6 games out of first by the All Star break.

The fact is, the Sox are outrageously good at home, they’ve played 97 games already (more than they had previously ever played before the All Star break), they have already had an insane number of extended road trips and in spite of all of that (and injuries) they are still playing quality baseball (fairly regularly).

The (Devil) Rays? I’m not stupid. I don’t think they’re done. The AL East race is far from over and I would not be shocked to see it become a 4 team race (if Baltimore can make some crazy trades/signings…Barry Bonds? Kenny Lofton?  A new rotation?).

But the Rays limped into the All Star break. Not the way you want to start the second half (or the 5th 7th I guess). The Rays are a young team still. They’ll probably be great for the next 5 years if they keep it going and don’t make any horrible decisions. I don’t think they finish first in the East. If the Yankees get things going I would say they have as good a chance as the Rays or Sox at this point.

It will certainly be an interesting pennant race.

Another Great Day For Spo(r)ts!!

ANOTHER GREAT DAY FOR SPORTS!!!

Does everyone else feel ready for the overwhelming tragedy that will almost certainly befall the Beijing Olympics in a month?

I’ve never been a huge Olympics fan for a few reasons: I’m not that interested in a lot of events, The events I am interested in are rarely televised, the time delay from when they happen to when they are broadcast sucks because I already know the outcomes, Mario Kart 64 isn’t an event…etc.

But I feel almost positive that something horrible is going to happen at these Olympics. I really hope it doesn’t, but I just get the feeling, the way things are going…

Richie Sexson was cut?!!?! You mean you CAN’T bat .225 and be a big leaguer?!?!? If he even ends up on the Red Sox…I swear…

Mark Mulder being hurt is at that point where it shouldn’t qualify as news. That would be like a daily headline saying “Mugabe Is A Bad Ruler” or one that said “Every Nickelback Song Sounds The Same”, its not news, its just the way it is.

Rape articles can be found here and here. Fucked up.

Speaking of, SLAMBALL player Ivan Lattimore will remain in prison until the September hearing for Domestic Violence. The more I read about this case the more fucked up it is.

Barry Bonds is apparently on the way back to the majors. Or rather, his agent says he could be ready to be back in the majors within 10 days. That doesn’t mean anyone is interested. The Royals should make him an offer. Or The O’s or the Blue Jays. Or the Mariners. Or the Brewers. Either a team that could use someone to get on base consistently to help put them over the top, or a shitty team that wants to sell some tickets. Maybe the Nationals. He’ll NEVER come to the Red Sox. He hates Boston and Boston hates him. Drop it Bombs.

Matt Jones likes Coke. I can’t say I’m surprised by this completely. I mean, I never expect any athlete to get caught cutting a mound of coke in a car or anything like that, but I had heard about Matt Jones personality issues in the past. I hope he gets some help.

Red’s Army had some nice insight about James Posey. This is one deal the Celtics really need to get done. A) He’s tough. He throws bodies around and he pisses people off. B) He is a great shooter. C) He is never afraid of anything. I never had an ounce of fear with Posey on the court in ANY situation last season. He never gets down on himself, he never doubts his shot and he just doesn’t seem to worry about stupid shit. D) He makes BIG plays (the steal in game 6 against the Pistons…for example). He’s always aware of what’s going on and will always try to make the heads up play. E) He could easily start if someone got hurt. F) He’s the best possible off-the-bench replacement for Paul Pierce in the NBA, in that he, like Pierce, has shooting range, can take it inside or jack up a three, he plays defense he isn’t careless with the ball and he knows when to pass and when to shoot. GET POSEY. DANNY AINGE!! SIGN JAMES POSEY NOW OR I WILL TRADE MY DANNY AINGE BLUE JAYS ROOKIE CARD FOR 4 ERIC MONTROSS CARDS AND A KENNY ANDERSON HOLOGRAM!!!

Thanks.

Not a lot on the Baron Davis front. Is that signing official yet? I hope not.

So many free agents…so little time.