Brady Quinn Sucks Grapefruit-Sized Balls. Halloween Is Coming. Birthday Cards. Why Someone Like The Cardinals Will Win The Superbowl.

Congratulations John McCain.

I guess you locked up the election. No need to finish things up the next couple of weeks. Now that you have an endorsement by the backup quarterback of a 2-4 NFL team that is woefully underachieving and can’t even keep a locker room clean, you pretty much are all set.

Well you know what Brady Quinn? I don’t care what you think…Oh no.

I base who I vote for solely on the endorsements they receive from the following seven people:

1) Seneca Wallace (backup QB for the Seattle Seahawks)

2) Mister Salty

3) Gallagher’s younger brother Ron Gallagher who ripped him off and stole his routine for over a decade.

4) Miranda July

5) James L. Brooks

6) Aaron Downey

7) That chick from the Progressive Auto Insurance commercials.

I haven’t heard anything from any of you yet! WHO SHOULD I VOTE FOR!!!!

Endorsements are maybe the dumbest thing about elections. Electoral college aside.

I know I don’t want to vote for that O’Bama, because he’s Irish! I can’t support the Irish!!! He’ll take all his orders from the Pope!! NOOOO!!!

Speaking of dressing up like something, Halloween is almost upon us.

For little kids that means a lot of free candy, running around, being cute and/or annoying and being scared by things that probably aren’t scary.

For eleven through 13 year olds it means you only have a couple chances left, tops. Make the most of them. I know, you don’t want to have to say “Trick or Treat!” anymore and that it is embarrassing and you sure as hell don’t want any of the people you go to school with to see you in your Wall*E costume. But your face is covered. It’ll be all right. And it’s free candy you ungrateful bastards!

For teenagers it means playing pranks and generally being an asshole and being upset that you are too old to trick or treat but hiding your dissatisfaction behind two dozen eggs and several rolls of low grade toilet paper.

For college kids it means slutty slutty women’s costumes mixed with an amount of alcohol consumption that is neither intelligent or fun. Enjoy it while it lasts bitches.

For twenty-somethings like me, it means watching “Halloween” and wishing it was better. If you are a twentysomethign like myself, looking for a way to enjoy your Halloween that involves being home and a scary movie, I suggest you pick up “Funny Games”. The original 1997 version is better, but you can get the English 2008 version too if you’re too lazy to read. Now that’s a fucking movie. It’ll make you feel horrible about everything.

If you’re old enough to have little kids, congratulations, you’ve cashed in again. This is the beginning of you living vicariously through them because your life is already pretty much over.

I’m using my smarmy asshole voice for this entry.

Worst candies ever:

1. Milk Duds (IT HAS DUD IN THE TITLE FOR FUCK’S SAKE! It’s like my friends who ordered the “Shamwow” from that lazy-eyed jackass on TV and were expecting it to be great. Really friends? In the commercial, it has all of the properties of a vacuum, carpet cleaner, stain remover and empty 5 gallon jug. Anything that versatile would clearly be classified as a WMD in America. Throw in the fact that it has SHAM in the title and you should have a pretty damn good idea what you’re getting. They are pieces of felt that smell horrible and shed weird lint everywhere. Never trust a lazy-eyed guy with a telemarketer headset.
2. Wax Candy (The shit isn’t even candy. It’s just wax. I’m pretty sure they make it from the runoff at Yankee Candle facilities. Next year, save me the trouble and give me a handful of tea-lights Grandma!)
3. Juijyfruits (I loooove chewing and haaaaate teeth)
4. Smartees (the less glamorous cousin of Pixie Stix)
5. Pennies (at least they’re full of minerals…)

Most Underplayed Candies:

1. Skor (everyone loves Heath bar. Well, Skor is just as good!)
2. Payday (easily the best candy bar out there. It is just peanuts and sugar but it has such a strange and unique flavor. Some foods are more than the sum of their parts…It’s sort of like the 2008 Arizona Cardinals who are somehow pretty good even though they probably shouldn’t be…Plus Bukowski LOVED Payday. And anything Bukowski loved is worth considering in my book (he also adored Mickey Rourke and swore he would be one of the greatest actors of this generation…I can’t wait for “The Wrestler”…)
3. Take 5 (Most candybars have 2-4 elements [snickers, milky way, baby ruth...etc.] but Take 5 has set the bar higher. This is a candy bar that dares to achieve. This is a candy bar that is making future generations take notice. The Clark bar may have been great in 1964, but you know what? It looks like shit in comparison to Take 5. That’s how I feel about you Joe Namath. That’s how I feel about you!!!)
4. Nutrageous (that shit is NUTRAGEOUS!)
5. Candycorn (the great thing about candycorn is that it comes right out and says ‘I’m just a pile of dyed corn syrup and you’re gonna eat me anyway douchebag’.)

At my office for everyone’s birthday they buy a card (the office manager..on the company dime) and circulate it to that person’s department so everyone can sign it. It’s a nice gesture. When I got mine last year though, I noticed that I didn’t know at least 1/3 of the 45-55 signatures on it. And since the company is growing, the number of cards is high. You usually sign at least one a week, maybe more. I hate when they are all glittery. Stupid glitter covered desk. Sometimes like 6 people have their birthday the same week and they send around a folder with 6 cards in it to sign. That’s like 20 minutes of work. No joke. Because if you know the person, you want to write a little more than just “happy birthday, York”, you know?

Add in the fact that I don’t know/will never work with at least half of the people whose cards come across my desk and it can be sort of empty to just write yoru name.

So I have taken to signing every card with a fake name.

Sometimes I’ll write things like “We should go out more often, Gabe Z.” because no one who works here is named Gabe and even if there was a Gabe, there would be no need to write a last initial. But that’s the way Gabe Z. rolls.

Sometimes I’ll just write “Good luck, Camus”.

But one of my favorite things to do is to write things like:

“Happy Birthday Sarah P. I can’t keep pretending I don’t love you. You . Dave” (you want to cross it off so it is still legible but difficult to make out).

I suggest you do the same at your place of business.

Plaxico Burress Suspended For 1 Game.

Plaxico Burress has been suspended for 1 game by the Giants organization for undisclosed reasons.

I hope that what happened is that Plaxico came to a practice with a bottle of Jose Cuervo and the following situation took place:

Tom Coughlin: Burress! What are you doing! Put that Cuervo away and go shag some balls!

Xico: Call me Xico. That’s pronounced S-I-C-O. XICO!

Tom Coughlin: You can’t drink booze at my practices!!

Xico: Like hell I can’t! I Won a Superbowl bich! Kiss My ring! Kiss it!

Tom Coughlin: Burress! PUT THAT BOTTLE AWAY AND GET YOUR SUPERBOWL RING OUT OF MY FACE!

Xico: So that’s how it’s gonna be? All right then. (punches Tom Coughlin right in his 210 year old nose). I JUST WENT STEVE SMITH ON YOUR ASS! THAT SHIT IS FACTORIAL!

(end scene).

If it wasn’t something like that, it probably wasn’t that interesting…

For a star player to do something bad enough to get suspended by his own team when there are reporters or cameras around? It had to be something bad. This is the NFC East. Michael Irvin tried to kill one of his teammates with a pair of scissors and didn’t get in trouble. YOU WIN AT ALL COSTS.

Good thing they gave him a contract extension and pay raise…

Ed Hochuli Is Still Upset.

I would be upset if I made that type of mistake too.

Ed Hochuli is the ref responsible for the horrible call in the Denver/San Diego game last Sunday where Jay Cutler clearly fumbled the ball but because he blew the whistle and ruled it incomplete, the ball could not go to San Diego.

The thing is, until there are robot referees, which I’m sure Steve Jobs is 37% done with the prototype, there are going to be bad calls.

Technology exists to make our lives easier.

This is why I have no problem with instant replay in baseball or football. How can someone possibly see EVERYTHING and judge it accurately?

Hochuli has been sort of a model citizen as far as his NFL pedigree goes.

The guy has been as regular a fixture during NFL games as John Madden has over the last 15 years.

Seriously Ed, don’t be too upset. If San Diego didn’t have a horrible coach, a defense that is under-performing (granted they don’t have Merriman, but one player does not make a defense JOEY PORTER), a crybaby running back who is on the steep down-slope of his career and a hillbilly scumbag quarterback (actually Rivers did nothing wrong in the game…he’s just a hillbilly scumbag in general) they still could have won the game.

If you are a coach and you allow a game to get to the position where one bad call can cost you the game, you didn’t play hard enough to deserve to win. You might have played hard, but you didn’t play hard enough.

Chargers fans blaming Hochuli for the Chargers losing that game would be like Patriots fans holding a grudge against the ref in the Superbowl who allowed Adalius Thomas to be held AROUND THE NECK on the helmet catch play where Eli Manning “mysteriously” slipped away from being sacked and had about 19 minutes in the pocket. It is as clear as day on the replay.

But you know what?

It wasn’t the refs fault that the offensive line played like shit, that Stephen Gostowski can’t hit easy field goals or that the Patriots’ extreme overconfidence ultimately destroyed them against a far superior defense.

Say what you will about Patriots fans, but I don’t know anyone who sent hate mail to whoever those refs were…and that was the SUPERBOWL!!! Not some week 2 game against a divisional opponent when there are still 14 more games you can win to make it to the Playoffs.

Feel better Ed. Everyone makes mistakes.

Giants Beat Redskins. Jim Zorn Looked Shitty. Jason Campbell Needs Work.

Listen to me Jim Zorn. I’m not a Redskins fan. I never will be. But tonight was absolutely infuriating. Tonight’s NFL season opener was like watching two guys with one leg each trying to kick one another. 

Jim, when you are down 9 points and there are 3-4 minutes left in the game and you have the ball, please use timeouts accordingly. On 3rd and 7, don’t throw the ball 2 yards from the line of scrimmage. 

I don’t know if the play calling was what was pathetic tonight or if Jason Campbell really doesn’t know the offense yet and just felt most comfortable chucking it to Santana Moss all night…

Also, you guys MIGHT want to try to go deep and set up a big play every few possessions. You know…like…when you have to punt 7 times.

Clinton Portis seemed to be ready to play tonight. At one point it looked like he was lecturing Zorn on the importance of reacting to the Giants defense and calling plays accordingly. Portis ripped off a few decent runs, but everytime Jason Campbell dropped back to pass, it made part of me die a little.

Campbell is not someone who is normally bad. I mean, he didn’t throw an interception tonight. He just wasn’t playing smart football. You don’t go short on 3rd and long. You don’t keep going to the same receiver. You don’t run TOWARDS the side of the pocket where the blitz is coming from.

Tonight John Zorn would have been a better head coach than Jim Zorn.

John Zorn is a MacArthur Foundation certified genius. I’m sure he would have thought of a way to pull off an easy when when the Giants CONTINUALLY let the Redskins hang around…

Terrible.

One of my personal highlights of the night was Eli Manning’s face after throwing the interception.

But the pick aside, Eli was solid. He seems to have a boatload more confidence. Or did tonight anyway. 

Plaxico Burress also appeared to be the legitimate elite #1 WR that he should be. 

Oh and Derrick Ward WILL BE picked up in your fantasy league ASAP. Especially if you get reception points.

This game was the Redskins’ to win.

I wish the Patriots played these Giants at the Superbowl…

IMPORTANT NEWS ALERT: Kyle Orton wins Starting QB Stint With Chicago Bears!!! Rex Grossman Cries In A Corner! THE WORLD IS SHOCKED YET EMBRACING THE CHANGE.

BREAKING NEWS: Both Kyle Orton AND Rex Grossman SUCK beyond your wildest dreams.

That’s right, I would gladly take Steve Walsh, Jeff George, Scott Mitchell, Steve Bono, Ty Detmer, Scott Zolak and Rich Gannon in their current state over either of them.

I said it.

Rex Grossman is easily the worst quarterback to ever lead a team to a Superbowl.

I say this because, we could debate for days about how good Eli Manning really is. He has been on an off (to say the least) over the last few years.

However, Eli Manning stepped up in the Playoffs and was a good quarterback when it counted. That’s all that really matters. Even if he isn’t actually a great quarterback in general, he was good when it counted.

Rex Grossman? That guy is an embarrassment to the quarterback position.

Kyle Orton? Aside from the fact that he has a fantastic pornstache, he is pretty bad.

The Bears are stupid. Why wouldn’t they just draft a quarterback? If I were a Bears fan, I would gladly take the possible upside of someone completely new to the organization over the downside of two guys who have been dicking around the team for 3 years, neither of which has done anything remotely close to “impressive”.

Shit, if I were the Patriots, say somehow Tom Brady goes down for a few games, I would feel far more confident with Matt Cassell as my starting QB than either of those clowns.

Maybe Kyle Orton will prove me wrong, but if my knowledge of how an NFL season works or my knowledge of how an extensively one-sided team with no offensive weapons works, it seems safe to assume that we will see Orton for 6 or 7 games and then Grossman for 2 or 3 and then Orton some more and then maybe more Grossman.

I love this league.

John Lynch Joins The Patriots. 1 Year. $1.5 Million. Oh Hell Yeah!!!

That’s right. I quoted Stone Cold Steve Austin in the title of this post.

This is because:

1. John Lynch is a player I have admired, feared and respected throughout his career.

2. Just imaging Old Man Harrison and John Lynch hitting a receiver from two sides at once makes me almost throw up in excitement.

3. Some veteran leadership in the secondary.

4. Tank Williams will not be as sorely missed as he would have been.

5. It isn’t a long term acquisition, it isn’t costing the Pats anything and Lynch will likely rotate in and out. It adds solid depth to a weak position.

6. The Patriots have indeed added speed and youth to the defense. Adding another solid veteran will not hurt them in any way.

7. He’s John Lynch for fuck’s sake. The guy is a monster.

I am excited. I’m not saying Lynch will be enough to win a Superbowl or that he was the missing piece of any puzzle or anything like that. But anytime you can get a player of his caliber just to add depth for essentially nothing, it is a great pick up. 

Oh Hell Yeah!!

Jay Feely Gets Cut By the Dolphins, The Patriots Should Move In.

Who is the one person I absolutely hate on the New England Patriots?

That miserable piece of shit Stephen Gostkowski.

Jay Feely is a free agent. I strongly suggest the Patriots take notice.

Does anyone else notice the direct correlation between Gostkowsi not being trusted to kick a field goal in the Superbowl and the Patriots losing by 3 points? Anyone?

Blame it on Belichick all you want. The reason why Belichick didn’t have Gostkowski kick the field goal was that Gostkowski was hung over from drinking himself to a .287 blood alcohol level the night before.

Bring in Feely.

Janet Jackson, Timberlake, Nipple, Superbowl, 5 years ago…

 

Nipple.

In the “I can’t believe there is still news about this” department, apparently the fine was dropped for Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction”.

 

You might remember that the Patriots defeated the then young and upcoming Carolina Panthers in that Superbowl.

Two franchises…

Two different directions…

One nipple.

Brett Favre Wants Back In

According to multiple source Brett Favre is thinking about un-retiring and re-joining the Packers.

Bad idea.

This is probably one of the biggest non-stories there is. ESPN reported it in April and then again in May, so I’m not surprised to hear it again now.

Thing is, Favre retired because he said he wasn’t really willing to go through all of the emotional and physical preparation it takes to play a full season of NFL football. I can understand that. He’s getting older. Obviously that is bound to happen.

I can also understand not wanting to depart from something you’ve been doing your entire life. Especially when you think  you can still perform at a high level.

I’m not saying its easy to retire and that he should just do it and shut up.

…but it would be nice if he did…

Favre led the Packers to 2 Superbowls, 1 of which they won (against my beloved Drew Bledsoe, Terry Glenn, Curtis Martin Patriots). He’s won MVPs, he’s well liked, he has all the fame in the World and he can sell my Wrangler jeans any day of the week.

He just needs to move on.

Its over Brett.

Don’t end your career like Dan Marino or Joe Montana. Just leave on a high note. Stay out.

Lakers Prepare For 18-1dom

 

Paul Pierce can be absolutely brilliant from time to time.

Game 7 against Cleveland he blew up at the right time.

Game 6 against Detroit he held his ground after a terrible offensive foul call (that easily COULD HAVE been a 4 point play) and piled it on in the 4th quarter.

Against the Lakers, I get the feeling Boston is going to need some shovels. They will have to dig in and grind it out like they did against Detroit in games 5 and 6 every single game.

I agree with Bill Simmons’ sentiment about wanting to be the “Nobody Thought We Could Do It” team. Nobody wants to be the “everybody knew we could do it” team.

If there is one good thing that came from the Patriots falling apart in the Superbowl, its the term “18-1″. No, not in the way people use it to taunt Patriot’s fans.

I have adopted the term to mean “when an entity’s extreme overconfidence in its inevitable success leads to its ultimate downfall”. Used in a sentence “man, I totally thought I was gonna bang that girl but it seemed like she knew I knew it and she started acting all weird. I pulled a total 18-1″. Or maybe “I’m a straight A student so i didn’t think I should bother trying to study for the SAT but when I got my score back it was a 790. 18-1.” It just seems fitting in certain situations.

The Patriots lost the Superbowl because they didn’t execute, Bill Belichick mysteriously decided to make the strangest play calls ever and they just seemed to be way out of gas.

Leading up to the Superbowl, everyone in this area of the country had already been celebrating like the Patriots won it already. People were already calling Belichick the greatest coach of all time, Tom Brady better than Joe Montana. The hype machine went crazy. And people started to BELIEVE the hype machine.

The Giants catch some luck, the Patriots eat some shit and the Superbowl is over.

I felt like I might have been the only person who was a nervous wreck going into the Superbowl. The Patriots had squeaked by for weeks. The Giants had all the momentum in the world, they didn’t peak early in the season, they played hard all year and came into the Superbowl knowing they could win even though no one else did.

And now I present to you, the 2008 Los Angeles Lakers.

A team that has the MVP. A Legendary coach. Some older guys who have been around. Some younger guys who don’t know their place yet. A high price player they bought to win (for almost nothing). A fan base that has already crowned them.

Does any of that sound familiar at all??????

The 2007-08 Lakers are the same team as the 2007-08 New England Patriots.

The Celtics and the Giants…well…lets see…

A coach who everyone laughs at due to his general badness most of the time and inability to get it done, a series of veteran players who have a chance to step up like they have never had before in their entire career, a couple of young guys in crucial positions who can make or break the team, role players GALORE (David Tyree anyone?).

I’m just hoping for the sake of my stomach that the Celtics sweep (yikes!).

But the key seems to be Ray Allen and Paul Pierce. Those guys need it. Arm sock and all.

And then when the Lakers are walking off the court in LA after the Celtics win it in 5, the crowd can chant “18-1″, “18-1″ at the new chokers.

I’m dreaming hard here…